I don't deserve to live.

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I've come to the conclusion that I'm a cruel and nasty person and I don't deserve to live. Either it's that, or else I suck at playing by society's rules. Put those two, and you have a disaster. I've been swallowing Tylenol Extra Strength eZ Tabs, one by one, very slowly. I've only swallowed three, so far.

First, I act like a child at the Christmas dinner, leaving the table when somebody tells a dirty joke. The next two things that I did wrong, was getting drunk off of near beer, which has .5 percent alcohol per can, and last night I said that I hate Jenny McCarthy at another New Years party, a middle aged woman told me that I'm so full of hate and I believed it. Than I've started to feel that I don't deserve to live.

To make matters worse, I haven't heard from that friend that I've recently posted about, here in The Haven, since the day after the Christmas party at my clubhuose. The times that I've phoned her, she hasn't returned my calls. She had the nerve to call me twice, on Tuesday. The first time was for me to pick up my $400 biker jacket that I used to wear. The second time was to threaten to put the jacket out by the garbage, if I didn't pick it up. I've kept on phoning her, but the line was busy. I've phoned the 5th time, and it was her dad who dropped the jacket off at my place, instead of her. I got the jacket back. It just should have been her returning it, instead of her dad.

The thing is that I'm afraid to die, so I've stopped after the fouth pill.

I keep listening to 'Such a Shame' by The Kinks.

What should I do?

I don't deserve to live either. I once hit my sister with a baseball bat. But I'm still alive, and I plan on keeping it that way. The thing I realized is, even though I've done some horrible things, it doesn't matter, because tomorrow is another day, and the past doesn't matter anymore.

Everyone deserves life.

You are not cruel and nasty. You are one of the best people on WP.

You can seriously damage your liver doing something like that. Don't be frivolous with your life. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day and you wouldn't want to miss it. I suggest you tell your mother or someone right away and get to the hospital so they can give you charcoal or something like this to protect your liver. Even small doses like that can be dangerous and not something to play around with. This too shall pass, don't forget. I wish you peace.

Hi, CockneyRebel. Of COURSE you deserve to live! I agree with Tim- you've always sounded like a kind and very honest person in your WP posts. If you were REALLY a "cruel and nasty person", you wouldn't CARE what people said or worry so much about upsetting others. I think it's much more likely that you're a very sensitive person who expects far too much of herself. Please stop taking those tablets and go and phone someone who you can rely on to be supportive- a friend or a family member, it doesn't matter who. Have a good chat with them until you feel a bit better. (You might need to have a talk to your doctor about depression, too.) It sounds like you've been having a tough time lately. Try not to be so hard on yourself, sweetheart, okay? Jenny

CockneyRebel: The only constant in life is change. This sh***y time will pass. Just lay low and take it easy. Distract yourself.

Luckily, it's probably the latter - being ASD, we all 'suck at playing by society's rules' by definition!

You tell anyone who makes you feel like you don't deserve to live because of that, that they can just go...well, I don't really know what to put here, so I'll leave that up to your imagination!

I suggest a better alternative to swallowing pills: carry on listening to that song! If it's by the Kinks, it's probably a pretty blinkin' awesome way to pass time until you feel better!

Don't leave us - you're a vital member of this site!

I don't know you very well but I DO NOT want to
hear of your demise, as in I would NOT like
for it to happen, not just keeping such info from me.

This might sound stupid because I am not mature,
but I have a kinks song, "Who will be the next in line"
I first heard it when I was 8.

I don't want to miss your wonderful insightful posts.

Please live on to see the next sunrise...

I don't believe anybody deserves to die. What I believe, what I know and feel with all my heart, is what came before you, the billions of events over the course of history, the trillions of choices and actions, of space and time and people, all falling into synchronistic eventuality just so something utterly amazing could occur - that you could be given life. You beat the impossible.

Don't forget to dance, don't forget to smile

After a few hours of sleep, and a lot of thought, I've come to a conclusion. I'm going to live. Life is too precious, and I deserve to live just as much as everybody else. I didn't take any more of those Tylenol. I was convinced that I was a social failure when I was doing what I was doing, 4 hours ago. I'm deciding to live, and I'm going to be myself, the way that God intends for me to be. Oh, yeah and no more drinks that have any amount of alcohol and no more trips to the casino, even though I've been walking away after my modest winnings, the past few times. Beers and casinos aren't really who I am. I'm better than that. The Kinks and the drums are who I am.

Here's a few things that help me out a bit when I'm feeling down and tempted to take the easy way out:

-some people cling so ardently to certain truths that those same truths sour into falsehoods

-you're an heir to millions of years of natural selection, if you ever feel bad about "losing the genetic lottery"

-did whatever happened traumatize you that much? Then make like the guy in Memento and forget about it. Those other people probably will. Willfully dissociate from reality just enough that it helps you function better.

-exercise and hiking

-read a book about someone who has endured what you think is a similar situation

Congratulations kid, you've taken your first steps into a new world

I am so glad you didn't kill yourself! I'd miss you a whole bunch, so would everyone else.

If I acted on my suicidal urges, I'd be dead over thirty times by now.

_________________
I'm a writer, not a fighter and my pen is always loaded.

Magnús Scheving is my Icelandic rose

Thank goodness it's just a nightmare...