Afraid of a lot of things

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Well, I decided to take some of my thoughts to the internet (after some nudging from the folks), but I wasn't sure how to describe how I felt in the subject line. That sort of thing tends to be a problem on top of all of this because it's hard to describe all of these overlapping emotions and opinions (Delusions? Maybe. Makes me think of GURPS. ).

I'm not even sure if I have Asperger's, but I certainly have something wrong with me. I've been diagnosed with depression, general anxiety, Asperger's, a bunch of stuff. I've been on and off of medication and marijuana, but nothing seems to do it for me. The side effects are too much, or the effects too little. I'm totally sober now besides an occasional social drink/cigarette.

Anyway, I thought about it for a moment and decided that I'm really pretty afraid of a lot of things, even if I don't show it or panic all the time anymore. It's gotten to the point where I forced myself to stop smoking pot for the New Year just to get my head on straight.

If any of these resonate with you, could you drop me a line? PMs would be preferred, but you can post here if you'd like others to see it.

1. I'm afraid to use the phone sometimes. I don't like owning a cell phone (or a watch) because I rarely see a use for it and it's often cumbersome. Aside from that, I don't like calling people I don't know very well. I can't see the person's facial expressions, so I don't feel like I can accurately gauge how a conversation is going.

For friends, I worry I will sound boring or run out of things to say. I become afraid that a conversation won't go as planned or that I will sound rude (esp. with important individuals; phone interviews would probably be very hard). It warrants writing an email in my eyes: I feel like I can write better than I can speak. If I have to answer the phone to a strange person or someone important to me, I can usually recover; I hate starting the phone conversation myself and procrastinate doing so as long as possible.

This problem generally extends with not talking much in general. I rarely have anything extremely important to say, so I chitchat or just stay quiet. Extended family members and acquaintances get much less attention from me than strangers I'll never see again, close family members, and good friends. On one hand, I think this sounds like Social Anxiety Disorder, but why is it only in such strange circumstances? I can give twenty-minute speeches if I know what I'm talking about (like game design), but I can't look my mom in the eye when I talk about these sorts of things.

2. I'm afraid of being in large crowds. This seems like a run-of-the-mill phobia, and I just try to avoid them when I can. Not a big deal -- I just can't stand the noise and heat of a lot of people in one place. Conventions are often aggravating, but eventually tolerable. Going to the mall is a chore.

Parties are an exception. I'm usually with my friends, and at least I can get drunk or go outside if I start feeling anxious. Family parties are usually a bit more awkward.

3. I'm afraid of being in familiar places sometimes, which usually happens while I'm driving, opening doors, or doing some other trivial matter. This one is very hard to explain, mainly because it has similar effects to my next point. It makes me want to leave society, but makes me want to stay at the same time.

4. I'm afraid of hallucinating. I tend to have visions, and a decent number of them briefly take up my entire visual spectrum (less than several seconds). Auditory is another common one: hearing music, remembering someone's voice, psychic chatter or noise, tinnitus. A select few have extended to multiple senses at once (usually audial and visual, occasionally kinesthetic).

I am aware that they are not real. Still, it's stimulating enough that it gets awkward. Now that I think about it, I couldn't really imagine living without these things. However, I feel like taking LSD or something might make me go totally insane.

Some of the visions are good and spark a lot of creative ideas. Very powerful mental pictures that are great for design. Those are nice. Some of them are random/nonsensical, break focus, and annoy the piss out of me. Others are pretty violent, sexual (good and bad), or obtuse. The latter might be like hatching some sort of risky scheme -- visually and audially -- just to analyze if it could work. Others still suggest that I should leave society behind because I feel like television and video games made me learn to think in fragmented pictures the way I do.

Some visions, or perhaps delusions, are different -- they usually have to do with what I'm dealing with at the moment. These sometimes pop up with fear #3. I'm unsure if these visions were apparent before I smoked a particular triple-threat of pot. These visions tend to involve seeing ripples around people (like an aura) or seeing spines in lights/light sensitivity. Another common one is that objects tend to "stick out."

For example, if I'm looking at a tree as I pass by, I sometimes enter some sort of ... hyperfocus ... which usually bugs me to no end. It can happen just about anywhere with anything. "Do I understand the object I'm perceiving" comes to mind now for some reason. The only way to get rid of it is to look at something else (usually just transfers the focus until the feeling passes), or start thinking about something to get my mind off of it. Reading signs, thinking about music, looking at clouds (the hyperfocus there feels comfortable), designing a video game, anything!

I can still perceive outside stimuli while this is going on, like someone talking, or paying attention to driving. Sometimes it overlaps with other visions, but that is rare.

This has crippled me before, especially in my old apartment's kitchen. Almost as bad as the panic attacks that I've recently conquered. I couldn't stop focusing between objects, and I just had to sit down on the floor and cover my eyes before it would stop. It hasn't happened that bad since then, but I was under a lot of stress at that point (college finals).

Touching the object I'm focusing on tends to make me analyze it even deeper to the point where I waste a lot of time. How does this object make me feel? Can it hurt me? What is its material(s)? Looking at blinds on a window or tilted slats on a cabinet is torture -- they get hazy or wiggle -- and doorframes always remind me that I live in a box, or that I might be walking through wormholes. Who would know the difference as long as it gets us to the room it connects to? Isn't that uncomfortable?

The worst part is that, lately, this has overlapped with leaving society. If I still saw these sorts of things (hyperfocusing on nature and still feeling uncomfortable) even while I was out of society and its stressors, "out of the box" ... I'd probably just end my life. It feels as though there would be no escaping that terrible discomfort. It's a horrible vision that roots me to living where I do.

I'm sure there's a #5 but I'm too tired to go on. #4 is obviously the one I've had the most problems with lately, but the social anxiety is definitely a hamper on my life, too.

I've written quite a book. If any of these resonate with you, could you drop me a line? PMs would be preferred, but you can post here if you'd like others to see it.

Thanks everybody.
-Steve

120 views and not a reply?

Even if it's to say no, anything at all...?

Same with me. I'm really trying to figure out what is truly wrong, coz I know am not your typical person. Your first two points I can relate to, but point no 3 I differ slightly coz I feel much more secure in familiar surroundings. I tend to have a mini panic attack in places I'm not sure of. As far as point no 4 I guess I don't quite understand your experiences. I am however afraid of a lot of things. When I was a child, it was the dark, and certain area of the house in which I felt an uneasy 'presence'. I was also afraid of seeing faces in mundane objects and if someone made me aware of something potentially harmful I would obsess over it.

Dread, I think you have at least one comorbid disease, like social anxiety or maybe even psychosis. I mean, that's okay, I was diagnosed with psychosis many times.

I had this too, but I eventually got over it. Now I obsess about societal nonsense. :/


Do you really think I might have psychosis?

I also have numbers 1-3, have had them most of my life. I try to structure my life in such a way as to keep the anxiety as low as possible, which means not shopping and not using the phone, etc.

Number 4 sounds like maybe auditory and visual hallucinations. I'm no psychiatrist, and I know we auties have sensory issues, so it's hard to say whether that's from psychosis or not. If you're not hearing voices, and you aren't paranoid, my guess is you're not psychotic.

The psychiatrist that gave you all those diagnoses - what did they say about the hallucinations? Consider seeing another psychiatrist to confirm the first.

I think that if you see a really good doctor, find out you're not schizophrenic and that you just have brain wiring that causes these sensory issues, you might be able to be less afraid of the episodes.

Don't rely on the views, it's a very strange system that they use for it.
1-2 I can understand, but I don't really understand the other two.

Psychosis involves more than just hallucinations. Usually one would show traits of disorganization, strange beliefs and acting on those strange beliefs. Another sign could be serious withdrawal from contact with other people and the loss of hygiene and other normal activities.

You say you obsess about societal nonsense. Can you explain that?

Well, that's good to know.

I don't like a lot of things about society, especially the media. I just don't understand how it works and why people do the things the way they do. Getting ahead of other people isn't really on my to-do list - I'd probably be just as happy living in the woods somewhere.

Long story short, I think Idiocracy got a lot of things right. Of course, it's just a movie, but those kinds of thoughts affect how I view just about everyone. I can't even watch TV anymore, and video games (something I loved since childhood) are becoming less and less appealing.