I don't get this!

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This has been an ongoing thing but when I was younger it didn't really bother me or I didn't really understand what was going on. Now that I'm older, I know this is wrong and rude. On Sat we had a surprise birthday party for my grandma. All of dad's family, some of grandma's friends and neighbors came to the party as well. It was in a private room upstairs in this 18th century restaurant. My parents and I got there first. My cousin is several years older than me, married, and has 4 kids. She is way smarter than me having taken honor classes in high school and also graduated college in 3 1/2 years. So I would think someone with her brains would have more sense. Well my cousin comes up the stairs, I say hi to her, but she doesn't even say hi back to me nor even looks at me. That was rude! Ok, I have a learning disability and aspergers. I was diagnosed with aspergers 2 years ago. I read all about aspergers. Lack of social skills and poor oral skills. So how come I know to say hi to people? It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. I only see my cousin once a year anyways for Christmas. But for the longest time my cousin has acted like this towards me. I wonder what her deal is. I graduated college too but it took me 5 years. I didn't take honors classes during high school. I'm not married nor have kids. She has this attitude about her. She thinks she's better than me because she's married and has kids. I wore this Claddaugh ring one time and she had the nerve to tell me that I was wearing it wrong! It was just a cheap ring! I was dating someone at that time. In Korea, boyfriends and girlfriends wear couple rings on their left hands. Basically the relationship is very strong that someday the couple will get married. Mom told me that I shouldn't feel hurt because my cousin has a bad attitude. So mom told me never buy her cards or gifts. I'm sure those of you have had family reunions where you meet your extended family maybe once a year. Is there anyone in your extended family that is like my cousin? She's so rude!

Last edited by luvsterriers on 25 Jan 2010, 8:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

Treat her the same way she treats you, ignore her

Probably best too. But still my parents and I go to my aunt's house for Christmas Eve. My aunt is my cousin's mom. (dad's sister) I think that when my grandma passes away that my parents and I will never go to NJ to visit his family again. Most likely we will stay in VA or go to Seattle to visit some of mom's family. At least mom's family is more loving than dad's family. Must be an Asian thing.

There are people like that in most families. My family seems to be a particularly favourite gathering place for them. Best thing to do is ignore them, miserable bloomin so-and-sos that they are.

PS. Claddagh rings can be worn on either hand, depending on the feelings of the wearer. So you weren't wrong: she was. I learnt this on one of my many visits to Claddagh a long, long time ago.

I really don't know what her deal is with me. I never hurt her or did anything wrong to her. So why does she have to hurt me? I know she thinks she's better than me because she's married. But really is a married woman better and happier than a single woman? I do remember few years ago my cousin responded to an email I sent her, and she said that I was lucky that I am not married. Perhaps she had a fight with her husband. Supposedly she almost got a divorce. Her 3rd child saved their marriage in a way. She would have been divorced at 29. For a while I did envy her because she was married and had kids, but I got older and wiser. From stories that my grandma tells, I now realize that marriage isn't always happy and joyful. Her husband isn't the type of man I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I have morals!

It sounds to me like you have just answered your own question. You used to be envious of her which helps her delude herself that she is happier and better than you are. You were inadvertently feeding her ego. From what you say it sounds like she is stuck in an unhappy marriage with 3 kids and a husband who isn't very nice. Now you are older and wiser and kan see the truth and she doesn't like it. That's her problem, not yours.

edited

I bet she's knackered and at her wits end most of the time then. And you're young and free and you time is your own. Heck, I'm jealous of you now.

Who knows what my cousin's deal with me is. I never hurt her in any way. She has hurt me for the longest time. I just don't get it. Not just her that is cruel to me, but co workers, other families and "friends." These people who have hurt me in ways, deny it and blame me. Blame the person you are hurting??! Yea that's really smart! So just because my cousin is smarter than me doesn't mean she's best at everything. I will just simply not email her nor send her cards. I rather not go to NJ to spend the holidays. I rather just spend the holidays with my grandma in NJ and no one else. I know once my grandma dies I never want to set foot in NJ. In fact I will cut ties with dad's family once grandma dies. Just see them at the funeral, then bye forever! Seriously. My aunt, my uncles, my cousin have hurt me so much. Maybe they don't realize it? It just amazes me how normal people without LD or aspergers can be so cruel. You would think they should know how to treat people kindly. I forgot to mention about the party. My uncle also came up the stairs before he picked up grandma just to say hi and all, but I said hi and he never said anything back to me. My own uncle even. That's it. I want to cut ties with dad's family forever! I can't stand this hurt and cruelty.

From the sounds of it, your mum doesn't think the cousin is in the right, and there's a high chance the rest of the family aren't too keen on her either.

She sounds like a total bi-atch, and as Motherknowsbest said, she may have adopted the superior attitude from a long time ago.

Perhaps before you learnt social skills, you never said hi to her and that put her nose out of join, so she did the same back. It would be petty, but some people are like this.

Whatever the cause is, I don't think you should go down the route of cutting everyone who's mean to you out off your life, especially for smallish stuff like this. You need to learn to accept that some people can be rude and not let it affect your own behaviour or chase you away, otherwise you are letting it chip away at you (which would be a shame).

Just shrug off your cousin's attitude and next time you meet your dad's family, be polite and smiling and roll your eyes inwardly when they act out. That way your cousin has no more power to affect your feelings. If you can learn to cope with them, you can cope with people you will encounter for the rest of your life

That said, I'm not saying you should try andd be their best friend, just that you should feel you are able to go to family events when you feel like it and shouldn't let them chase you away.

I don't know if my cousin treats the rest of the family like she treats me. My grandma calls my cousin's spouse doofus. He truly is! I would rather have no one than have her spouse. I know that my cousin never said hi to dad or mom at the party as she was coming up the stairs. I mean how hard is it to simply say hi?? When I walk my dog, every dog he sees he wants to greet them. He goes by them, wags his tail, sniffs in their you know what place, plays a little, and then walks on. My cousin is much worse than my dog! If dogs can greet each other, people should follow that example. That's why I believe dogs are better than people. Cutting ties with people who hurt me I think is best. Why let them continue to bother me? But even though I am now going to ignore her and my uncle it's bothering me. I want them to know how their behavior hurts me.

Is that a picture of your dog? I have 2 westies. They're my babies.

My pic is actually of my dog's half brother.

I posted in another forum for people who have IC (interstital cystitis) Anyways a member had the nerve to say that people with aspergers tend to have parents who are alcoholics and dysfunctional.

That'll be me then as it's my daughter who has Aspergers.

That comment just hurt. Just because people have aspergers doesn't mean their parents are dysfunctional.