I got laid off back in October, but now I've found some work again. I do video production, and I should be grateful that I've found work in production at all. But it's not what I like. I stare at computer screens all day editing a documentary, when I really love running camera. My eyes hurt, my head and neck hurts, and each day feels like a waste, because I never left my desk or office. If the film I'm editing does well, I'm afraid it'll just mean more editing work, which will mean more time spent staring at screens. And I can't say no to it, because I'm in no position to tun away work or money now. If the film fails, than it'll be one more sign that I'm a talentless hack cursed by god with desire to achieve, but no talent to follow through.
My last film can't get screened anywhere. Even my home town's film festival rejected it, as well as the festival held by the school I went to for three years. I'm realizing how mediocre, crappy that film is, because all my friends are getting their films into festivals, and I beat my head wondering what I've done wrong, what the hell's wrong with me.
My attempts to be social largely fail. Once, I called ten friends, and none called me back. Another time, when I was visiting family in the city, I called a friend who lived near by. He didn't want to meet up because, to quote him, "He was feeling to lazy to get out." I wasn't worth the time to him. I'm not worth it to girls either. I feel ugly, impotent, unable to provide, and so devoid of any redeeming personality characteristics that I can't imagine who would want me. Anyways, everyone I do desire winds up choosing someone else, as though fate keeps saying, "You're not meant to have a companion..you're too mediocre. You loser!"
The happy moments are few and far between, and the sadness is growing. I'm scared of the future, of what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month....I'm scared of disappointing everyone, I'm scared of everything. I'm surrounded by fear, and I don't know if I can take it. Can't take the failure, the falling short in every aspect of life. I can't even take joy in my friend's successes. Instead, I only beat myself more for failing to do as well as them. I feel like I put in twice as much work, and get half as much back as others. Like I'm cursed. I sometimes want to punch my hand into a wall hard enough to break it, but I lack the strength or the courage.
05 Feb 2010, 1:42 pm
