I feel like a wild animal..

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I have been so out of control of my emotions all day...it started with my meltdown this morning..it was over something really trivial involving my work..but I made Flakey furious because I yelled at him in front of the people who work for us.
They already know that I am crazy...er...on the spectrum....So he called me an idiot for getting upset over something so trivial....and I said that I would move in with my parents....
I went out with my parents today as I do every thursday..I tried to apologize...but my mood never improved...
Things got bad between us once we got home... i stopped myself from smashing a coffee cup...but i threw tin tin of cookies i got him for valentines day at the door...I want very badly to leave and find some tiny apartment to live in alone...

It is very inconvenient for him for me to be this messed up right now, but i don,t know how to stop it... i dont know how to "grow up" or "cut it out"
I feel mad at him for insisting on keeping me around and making it so hard for me to leave when i am so useless to him...He has other girlfriends who are much younger than me and are mentally stable and can drive....

Everything is in my name..I am fantasizing about taking enough $ out of the bank to get a small place where i can live alone...and then signing everything over to his other girlfriend...or something...

i am sure it will somehow blow over as it always does, but for now, it sucks

Could be some additional stress going on at the moment, or it could be that you are shifting into a point in your life where you are not... set up for Poly. It is pretty obvious that you are feeling some insecurities right now.

Some things to bare in mind though, he doesn't have a younger more "normal" girl living with him. Much like my old man, this one must at least appreciate if not prefer your special "quirks".

It has nothing to do with the poly part...I certainly do not want to be stuck alone in a relationship with him.

If anything, I feel the need to escape...I am a stranger in my own house...we have this business and all of these employees...and most of them are scared of me because I cannot effectively communicate...The girl who has been hired to do the housework is "terrified" of me..and claims that I constantly exude hostile vibes....she is extremely shy and to her, I am some kind of monster...meanwhile I am extremely shy and never was able to cross the boundary that would allow me to casually converse with her...( a big hangup I happen to have)....I feel totally ineffective...and I wish I could just be alone...and not have to deal with being an "authority" figure...to these people who hate me....the girl also happens to be one that Flakey has slept with and is best friends with Flakey's other girlfriend....so for all I know they must say all kinds of horrible things about be when I am not around...my discomfort has very little to do with the fact that he slept with her a couple of times a long time ago....just that I can tell she dislikes me....and why shouldn't she? She has been hired to clean up after me.

My plan is to do her job so that she can be delegated to do something that does not affect me so much..

I think I also want to sleep in my own room from now on so hopefully that will encourage flakey to not be so insistent that I stay...I also want to put a deadbolt on my door so that he can't barge in and bother me....then he will feel pretty silly for having everything in my name, won't he?

Couldn't you just tell him that you are feeling claustrophobic and that you would like the "underlings" to go do something else?

that is sort of what i have been trying to do..but it seems that i am the one who makes them feel claustrophobic..so why should i not be the one who gets to go do something else? Flakey helps nothing by emphasizing the fact that she is "under" me...referring to her as the toilet girl and whatnot..it just makes me further disgusted with him...
Flakey is the only one who wants me around, and i don't want to be around him right now...nobody else around here would blink an eye if i were instantly vaporized.

I think that he needs to allow you to take an extended break from your work responsibilities. If you want to come back to it, that is fine, if you don't want to, then you can look for something else. But being put into a situation that constantly frustrates you and brings down your self esteem and just pulls at your nerves is quite unhealthy. You are lashing out, and that is understandable, it's not because you are crazy. It's because you are in a situation that you just don't have all the tools you need in order to succeed at it. It's my opinion, but I think you and he are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and he's handing you a hammer.

The decision to be poly is a separate issue, but I'm concerned with why you want that for yourself. I can understand that you don't feel that you are able to handle the relationship yourself. But if you are feeling insignificant and wanting to be alone and worried about what he says to his other girlfriends about you, those are things that are not compatible with a poly relationship. If this is just a small sampling of your daily life then I can understand just railing about it, but if these feelings happen a lot, I think you should consider giving up on the relationship. If that balance of good and bad is not tipped towards the good, and consistently, then why have that added stress in your life?

It's good to not overreact and just up and throw away everything. But I would look at the general progression with both your work and your love life and determine if you do indeed need to get away from this situation and start over again. It can be scary to start over, but you deserve to be happy, this I know for sure.

I think finding a place of your own would be a huge start. You live at work and you are enduring constant sensory overload.

I don't worry that much about what he says to them...I worry about what they say amongst themselves...which I really shouldn't care about...according to the old adage..."Don't care what others think...blah blah...."

He goes out of his way to emphasize that I am more important to him than they are...even though I am not very reciprocal and have my own room...and another partner of my own...

but yesterday he got very drunk and was lecturing me on how i was essentially terrorizing our poor "toilet scrubber"(as he calls her) who is not a girlfriend..just a girl he happened to sleep with a couple of times who was later hired to do housework......by constantly exuding hostile vibes...when I have not been doing anything but staying out of her way and not interracting with her because I have a communication block...and she herself is extremely soft spoken and hardly talks at all in the first place.

Lately our business has grown alot and we have hired all these new people...mostly rowdy punk rockers who are here day and night...and I have kinda felt crowded out of my own house....I am the business owner....I am supposedly their boss, but I am totally non-authoritarian...

I hate having people scared of me and all this stuff.....

My mental trip is over...I was reacting to my medication and to a beligerant drunk Flakey...and now its's another day..I feel better now that I took my Adderall again instead of the Vicodin.

These girls who feel so intimidated by me makes me feel pretty intimidated..
The day I had my surgery...I was feeling so so wired and edgy because of my meds....Flakeys girlfriend was delegated by him to make me soup and i got mad because I overheard her whining about it...and came out to find her making it wrong...so I took over...and finished making it myself...I am sure I seemed cranky about it... at the time...but not violent...

Later she told Flakey that I had thrown a pot at her...i surely did not....Flakey knew she was lying because that is her habit.....but that is the sort of skewed perception that these girls have of me....
But I have told FLakey that I do not like having someone work beneath me who hates me and is terrified of me....he does not seem to understand that I don't know how to fix this bad chemistry we have...

My other friend...when I talked to him said that girls are happier to hate another female than like them...it is just their nature....I can sorta see it....

Immature and insecure "girls" are more inclined to hate someone they feel has the edge when dealing with a male who is not treating them all in a balanced manner.

It isn't all females for sure. Right now he is treating them very unfairly, ordering them around, in particular ordering them to take care of you and it puts them as lower in the pack. He's "used them for sex" and now they are your slaves (in their eyes), when since they slept with him they probably feel they should be on a pedestal.

If he was doing "Poly" correctly, then you would all feel relatively the same in scheme of things, or at the very least he would have worked out where they would be on the totem pole (By discussing it with them) before tossing them at you. He hasn't done that, and from the sound of it he is one of the classic reasons why Poly does not work for most people. Instead of working on jealousy issues, he is actually cultivating them. Whether he is doing it because he does not care that it is damaging, or because he is simply inept I could not decide. I do not know him personally, but you do, so you might want to give that some thought.

Take that for what it is worth, I decided it was not for me, not based on any morality reasons, but because I know myself well enough to recognize that I simply cannot balance more than one partner. My D.H. whom you knew in H.S. and I's relationship is complicated enough I think.

There is some sort of understanding...between Flakey and his main other girlfriend who is also now his paid personal assistant and is here every day in Flakey's bedroom...doing computer work with him and helping run errands...and so on and so forth...certain tasks might be delegated to her because that is part of her job...(as was the issue with the soup)....

She is nice enough to me...we have a truce...at the moment...

She is a lot more neurotypical than I am...so no telling what goes on beneath the surface..

I do feel like I am invading every time I go into the bedroom..where most of my clothes are...and I need to remove all my stuff from there so it isn't so cluttered and don't have to go in there....and get in the way...

Her friend...the girl Flakey slept with who had all the problems with me...went off to california for a while....so she is no longer an issue at the moment... i just need to focus more on all the housework now...

Flakey doesn't do things out of malice or uncaring... i just don't think he knows how girls work..neither do I for that matter...He has been criticised in the past for "doing poly wrong" in past poly relationships...but I don't know if there is one "right" way.....

It is all in the communications and making sure everyone on the same page....He probably never talked to the girl about their couple of incidents...and so in his mind they didn't count for anything....while they might have for her...and so on...

I do not think there is necessarily one right way, but certainly there are things that need to be done in order to avoid "issues". There is no way to completely cut out jealousy at least some of the time, it is human nature no matter how much we would try to fight that. However, making assumptions about another person's emotional commitment being the same as your own just does not work.

I've felt like a wild animal, all night, last night. I'm amazed that I actually got some sleep, and that I didn't have any nightmares. It's as though I was this wild animal, behind bars. Something that I haven't felt, since before I've moved out, on my own. I'm just getting over that feeling. Perhaps some breakfast will help. I've bought myself some eggs and ketchup, yesterday.

I have still been going through a "mental" phase...am about to venture out of the house for the first time in a while (aside from my weekly parental outing)...for food

Feeling like an animal is a natural response to stress. Being animals in fact, we have the same fight or flight impulse. So if we feel cornered of course we will lash out.