Living at home with an angry mother

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Audiophile
Deinonychus
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24 Feb 2010, 8:11 pm

For as long as I can remember, my mom always has had anger issues, my dad has told stories of having to wrestle to the ground to make her calm down. I've talked to my youth pastor on what I should do to handle this and he said to just deal with it. My dad said the exact same thing.

So for example today, I didn't have my cell phone with me when she needed to call me. When she got home she quite literally blew up about it and pulls crap I've done wrong and how I don't care about this that and the other, she also goes on about how I'm a waste of oxygen and use living her for the electricity, food, etc...

This sort of thing has been going on for as long as I could help her out with things, and before that it was just yelling and throwing toys away.

I'm 18 years old, this has gone on for way too long. I could leave, but I don't have a steady job, and my GED classes start march 9th. I've tried talking to her privately, sending letters, talking calmly, and nothing works. She starts up again saying "well you just don't do this...".

I've already a couple times hit her because my own rage of just holding back for so long got too much, and my dad has warned me that he would throw me out the next time I did such a thing.

I am a Christian but I seriously don't "Feel" anything or "realize God is around me", so I feel like nothing'll help.

I'm ready to just down 22 pills and just wait for the effects.


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LittleTigger
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24 Feb 2010, 8:23 pm

I don't know how you do it without a meltdown.

If my mum had pulled that krap on me, I'd
have probably tantrumed the likes she'd never
seen from me in her life.

I would have blown up at her like an atomic bomb.


I'm not very good at advisorym but I will say
try telling her that if she does not stop the
abuse at you, then your love for her will begin
to wane.

Each time she causes you to feel bad, tell her
that you love her less, if she loves you at all
this will wake her up.

If she does not, then just get away from her
any away you can, camp outside on the lawn if
you have to, in the bushes, maybe I don't know,
go inside to get food when you need it when she
isn't around to babsuse you, then get back out.

When you can successfully get away from her,
write her off as deceased.


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bully_on_speed
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24 Feb 2010, 8:27 pm

god isnt gonna help you with this, ged is a good start you need to be on the road out of there as soon as possible, something that could ease the home life is get a job. anything will do and kick the parents 40 bucks each check. this also gets you out the house for 8 hours a day



Audiophile
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24 Feb 2010, 9:44 pm

@LittleTigger I do have meltdowns, but I usually run off to my bedroom before it gets too bad so we don't get to that point, but it's not so much external meltdown like screaming, it's more internal where my mind just locks up and it makes it very hard to function. And I've also been trying to teach myself to handle it better. I've been reading up on alot of things so that later in time I can recall to that information and just recite it back.

@bully on speed
I have a job, it's just on hold for a couple months because of the weather, gutters don't get installed in this northern IL weather.


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MorbidMiss
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24 Feb 2010, 11:12 pm

Sounds like the problem isn't you as much as her. Like she may have BPD or something.



Ahaseurus2000
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24 Feb 2010, 11:58 pm

Your Mum's behavior is abusive. I think she regards you as an object to bully and abuse, and your father / pastor excuses it. Also your passive-aggressiveness (bottling your rage) is working against you - you need to speak up for yourself as soon as you are threatened or bullied by her. Tell her the truth, how horrible and disgusting her behavior is, if you haven't already. If she loves you, she'll take it to heart and back down.

If not, get out of there as quickly as you can. Do you know people in your community who could take you in, so you can escape this horrible home environment?


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musicboxforever
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25 Feb 2010, 7:29 am

I'm not sure how to begin. I grew up with a mother who has a terrible temper and I couldn't deal with it. I have blocked most of it out and I'm not going to go over it again in my head. But I can relate to that feeling of not being comfortalbe in my own home. What most upset me was her inconsistency. While I was at college half way throught the year she started telling me that I was lazy and should get a part time job. She never explained why. I was not a lazy student. I kept up with all my work. I had a student grant and was paying my way. I don't know what got into her. It was little things like that. She would for some unknown reason just lash out at me and she does it to my sister and my Dad too. I moved out of my parent's house when i was 21 and I am never going back. I get on better with her now that I don't live with her.

There is no excuse for her to belittle you. A mother should be caring and offer discipline, of course, if it is out of real concern, but utlimately she should not be emotionally abusive.

But never hit a woman! Hit the wall, (not a load bearing wall mind, my friend did that and broke his knucles) kick a door, Leave to house, Go for a walk. Don't hit another person out of frustration. If you don't learn to control this now, you may have difficulty in future relationships. It is never acceptable to hit a woman.



Audiophile
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25 Feb 2010, 11:24 am

@musicboxforver Normally, I wouldn't even think to hit women, but at that point in time, I couldn't hold back anymore. Dealing with it for so long made it difficult to control my motions. Now, that doesn't mean it's ok, it's still wrong obviously.

@Ahaseurus2000: I didn't know this was abusive, I knew it wasn't right, but I thought most parents got angry at that their kids sometimes.

I know of one person that could possibly take me in, but I don't know how long it would last as their the type of people have never had this happen or seen it enough to know how bad it actually is. But, it's worth a shot.


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LittleTigger
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25 Feb 2010, 2:32 pm

Those women said they can't hit me because I have seizures.

"Why can't you take it? I can't hit you, you
freak out."

That might be some of the blackouts I had
in the past.


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musicboxforever
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26 Feb 2010, 9:30 am

Audiophile wrote:
I know of one person that could possibly take me in, but I don't know how long it would last as their the type of people have never had this happen or seen it enough to know how bad it actually is. But, it's worth a shot.


That is probably worth a shot.

My sister and I have always felt a bit like outsiders because other people don't understand quiet how bad our home life actually is/was. It is hard to explain to someone who has never suffered emotional abuse.

Oddly enough, I moved in with a flatmate that was very like my mother. I really don't know how that happened, but a family I knew took me in for a couple of weeks while I found a new place to live. And strangely, my mother helped me with the rent for about 6 months after all those years of resenting me. She is a strange lady.



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26 Feb 2010, 10:25 am

musicboxforever wrote:
But never hit a woman! Hit the wall, (not a load bearing wall mind, my friend did that and broke his knucles) kick a door, Leave to house, Go for a walk. Don't hit another person out of frustration. If you don't learn to control this now, you may have difficulty in future relationships. It is never acceptable to hit a woman.

I call BS on this. Don't dish out what you can't take, I don't hit anyone unless they hit me first, gender is irrelevant.

Audiophile: Has your father talked to your mother about this? If his attitude is to just "ignore it" then the best course of action would be to get out of there, time away from your mother might do both of you some good.


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grain-and-field
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26 Feb 2010, 1:27 pm

Audiophile wrote:
she also goes on about how I'm a waste of oxygen.


If she thinks you´re a waste of oxygen, she´s never seen a fossil-fuel power station. Now, that´s a real waste of oxygen!

Image



Audiophile
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27 Feb 2010, 12:02 am

Lecks wrote:
Audiophile: Has your father talked to your mother about this? If his attitude is to just "ignore it" then the best course of action would be to get out of there, time away from your mother might do both of you some good.


Oh yes, all the time, but in the end he sides with her. She can be very manipulative sometimes.


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musicboxforever
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01 Mar 2010, 5:30 am

Lecks wrote:
musicboxforever wrote:
But never hit a woman! Hit the wall, (not a load bearing wall mind, my friend did that and broke his knucles) kick a door, Leave to house, Go for a walk. Don't hit another person out of frustration. If you don't learn to control this now, you may have difficulty in future relationships. It is never acceptable to hit a woman.

I call BS on this. Don't dish out what you can't take, I don't hit anyone unless they hit me first, gender is irrelevant.


Sorry I didn't mean to come accross as being sexist. Gender is irrelevant. I think that the best thing to do in a situation where someone is attacking you verbally (be they male or female) is to remove yourself from the situation. Leave the room, leave the house. I think that if you lash out and physically hit them (or even if you respond in anger verbally) it doesn't help the situation and you only feel worse in yourself in the long run. As though you have been manipulated into coming down to their level.

I had a huge argument with my old flatmate once. She was very manipulative and could turn back everything I said to her and turn it into something it wasn't. I flew of the handle and shouted at her and told her some horrible things. I didn't feel like I had the edge after that. She used my anger to say that she would never have said such things to me. Dealing with a manipulative person is very difficult and I think that it is best not to give them any ammunition. I'm not saying just let yourself be abused, but don't fuel the fire if possible. It is often best to just walk away from the argument and go into another room or go for a walk.

However, if I was being physically attacked I would respond physically if I was in danger of being hurt and then get myself out of the situation.

Audiophile, I wonder if you could find yourself a flatmate and split the costs of rent and utility bills that way. It would make it cheaper to live on your own.

I live by myself and find it very expensive. I am always struggling financially. My mum offered to let me move back in after my sister moves out next year, but I don't think that I can handle living with her again, even if it means clearing all the debt I'm in.



kittyjess
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01 Mar 2010, 6:22 am

I had the same as a kid till I totally snapped at 20, I took the my car and ran off to Scotland.

I know it might be hard but please try to keep calm, I didn't and I regretted it. Does your mother suffer from any problems? With mine it was that her lupus affected her mind, manifesting its self in a slight split personality complex, I felt bad about restraining her, owning to her other health problems (like brittle bones, etc, etc), if your mother is physically fit I don't think you should let gender get in the way (speaking as a female myself, I find it quite insulting to think that people consider that we are weaker in some form, though in my case I wish it were true, being a well built and strong female is hardly a good thing, esp given my temper).

I didn't want to do what was required and instead took it out on the house, my father and myself, please don't let it get like that with you.



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02 Mar 2010, 7:19 pm

I am trying to learn how to detach and ignore my dad so I can relate. The main thing that helps me is reminding myself that they are sick people. And trying to relate to them the way you would a crazy person you encounter on the street, i.e. not give their statements any credence and just kind of hem and haw. At your age you are pretty enmeshed in their opinion of you, whether you realize it or not what upsets you is the feeling her slander is true and her behavior is justified. That's the part that is so hard to let go of with a parent but it has to be done. I think twelve step programs like al-anon, codependents anonymous, etc, can really help you get validation and support from people who are actually sane (or trying to be...the more voices you have validating you the easier it will be to deal with; this is especially true if you can't leave...and if you can't, you can't. If you don't even have a GED it's understandable why you would want to complete that). Any program that helps family member deal with addiction or insanity of a family member can be really helpful. I got some really good help from a yahoo group for a while that deals with family members of borderlines/narcissists (if your mom isn't on the addiction spectrum she's probably on the personality disorder spectrum judging from her behavior). My dad is both an addict and a malignant narcissist but it literally took me decades to figure this out and alot of damage was done to me trying to 'believe' their b.s. because I need to rely (emotionally) on them as parent figures. You have to give that up sometimes for your own sanity.