my marriage..........

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I went to the social skills class and got asked how it is I've managed to be married 8 yrs and have 2 children if I have aspergers. I told them my husband hates me and wants a divorce. I'm really hoping my marriage can be saved but my husband refers to me as broken and defective. That he got cheated of the perfect, wife God intended for him because of me. That I'm nothing but garbage and I should be ashamed of myself and grateful to him for all he endures living with me and our autistic son. He talks daily about how perfect his life would be and was until I ruined it all. At this point I want out but am trapped b/c I can't support myself and have a special needs child and an 18 month old. I hope nobody minds but I feel terribly depressed about this.

Should I consider my marriage a success?

He sounds kind of like an as*hole. I know it can be hard on partners, but love to me means accepting a person. Not to say that you can't be critical, but you've got to have compassion for the one you love because in the end we all end up old a ridiculous, if we live that long.

Last edited by Shadwell on 24 Feb 2010, 11:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you want but he sounds like a jerk. Why did he marry you in the first place? Basically he ruined his own life by choosing you. Some people just like to be the victim than taking responsible for their actions and seeing they also did it.

I would just let him leave you and tell him to just leave if he is so unhappy. I would also ask him "Why are you still here?" if he complains again.

I hope that you can do what you need to in order to not be trapped and dependent on him. He is toxic and I think he should be shown the door sooner rather than later. There is no excuse for anyone making someone else feel like this. Especially your spouse. You are not broken, you are not defective, and you are your own quirky and wonderful person. If he can't love you for who you are, it's his loss not yours.

OMG, is he my husband's twin?

My husband's term for me is "fatally flawed". He says he "wasted the best years of his life waiting for me to change". I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to get out of the relationship, but something has to change. I've been married to him for over 20 years, and I can't take the constant nagging, belittling, and blame I get on a daily basis much longer.

Unfortunately, being in a similar situation, I don't have a lot of advice... Just wanted to let you know I understand. I'm not the best at expressing feelings but please know that I do "get it".

~Kate

I did ask that. My husband said "I had hope that you would be able to 'get better' ."

~Kate

Wow, I didn't know you could force someone to marry you... More fool him for thinking you would 'get better' (i.e morph into another pesron).

Your marriage has been a success in that it's lasted for 8 years; longer than a lot out there.

I think it may have run its course though. From your description of him, your husband sounds like a bullying pr*ck, and although I'm sure he has his own version of events as well, you should really reconsider whether you want to be married to someone who treats you like this.

I think that it is awful that your husband talks to you like this. I don't know what he is trying to achieve. It seems that he is the kind of person who needs to put another down to make himself feel good. I think that you have done very well to stick with this man so far. You obviously have alot of strength to endure this sort of treatment day after day. He should be grateful to you. I'm sure there are plenty of things that you do for him that he should be thanking you for. No one has a perfect life. I don't know what he imagines he is missing. Everyone, every single person on the planet has good qualities and I am sure that you do too.

I am not married and have never been in a relationship, so I feel that I am not qualified to offer advice, but I wanted to say something encouraging because it seems that you have alot to deal with. No one should make you feel like you have ruined their life.

I deleted this. I tried to respond and then realized my response didn't fit.

He sounds a lot like my kids dad who tried 'diagnosing' me with various things in the time we were together but to him I was always broken, rubbish and defective In the end he left me (because I'm so useless) with no money and masses of debt after a long period of basically not being around or supporting us at all, to be with a friend of ours 19 year old daughter. At the time we had three children, on with special needs and one that was 6 weeks old who had been barely acknowledged by his father despite being wanted and planned. Though at the time it seemed like the worse thing in the world since then I am so much better off in all ways, doing my uni course like I wanted to for about 10 years (but I was too thick and useless according to him) and a thousand times happier. What you describe is classed as domestic abuse, mental and emotional. Are you in the Uk? If you want to get out there are people and places that can help you. It isn't easy but in the end you and your children will be so much happier and you deserve better than being treated like that.

If it might help feel free to private message me

Kick him in the nuts.

Seriously, no one, least of all the father of your children, should talk to you like that.

If you're in the U.S., talk to a social worker to see if you can get public assistance, job training, and disability benefits for you and/or your child. Your husband HAS to pay child support. It is the law. He talks to you this way because you're under his thumb and "he knows it". If you really need some ammunition for a nasty retort, here it is: I'm "like this" because of you. I was a beautiful, healthy seed put in "your" horrible soil and that's why I'm in the condition that I am in. "You" drove me to this. So, get the hell out already. You've done enough damage. Leave me already, go! so I can at least get on with the life I have left. (BUT DO THIS "AFTER" YOU CAN FIGURE OUT A WAY TO SURVIVE ON YOUR OWN.)

DAMN! There are days I want to do that!

~Kate

I'm in the US. I've decided that I have to stay for at least 3 more years so I can get my Masters. From what I've read I guess I shouldn't consider this a successful marriage based on happiness and how he treats me but we are still married. So I can say I'm successfully married....or am I just missing the point? I think I would like to just be alone with my children and never date anyone ever again to be honest. I'm afraid of leaving because that's a huge change and I'm afraid of all the changes involved. He doesn't have to pay child support he's told me if I ever leave him he'll leave the country and go home to his own country that has no custody agreement with the US.

LEAVE! LEAVE NOW!

He should be supportive of you not tearing you down. Your partner is supposed to be your best support. he is supposed to be building you up to succeed. Instead he is tearing you down to fail. Which of course would make him feel like he was right all along. He is WRONG!

I have been married 10 years. I have aspergers. I have always supported my wife and she has always supported me. We build each other up to succeed and be happy.

Anybody intentially making you miserable and depressed should no longer be in your life. Find a womens shelter and get away from this <bleep> of a pathetic excuse of a man. A real man would be your best friend and make you feel better just by being there.

He is abusing you. Maybe not physically yet, but definitely emotionally and mentally. Please note I said not physically yet, it may be coming., so get out NOW! and I mean TODAY!

This 'man' deserves to alone and broken.