I've always tried to be a good kid. I never went behind my mum's back. But she's never really been that supportive or sympathetic to me. I didn't really communicate as a child but I can now. I have problems with expressing deep personal things about myself. I thought the problem was me, but now I realise it it's her, my mum.
Yesterday I finally forced out a 'I couldn't cope at Soundwave ( a music festival I recently attended)' It took her some time to actually understand what I was talking about. I had gone to 1 music festival and two concerts in that week, and my mum these days is a bit slow when it comes to understanding what I'm talking about.
'Was it the noise?' she asks. "No it was the crowd.' I reply. It was really many things that affected me that day. I held back that I felt like hitting people, and I held back the part about me wanting to jump off a bridge because of stress before one of the concerts I went to.
All she said was 'well maybe you shouldn't go to these things then.' I was suprised but then she said 'I can't always be there for you.' So what she can't give me a little tiny bit of sympathy. I'm incapable of saying things like that, but I'd think she'd say something to cheer me up. 'Just have some rest, it's all over.' No, nothing. She's NT too and I'm sure she's given someone sympathy before.
And before I went to the festival she said 'think you'll be ok?' But it was in a condescending way. And the laughter, always with the fu***ing laughter. That's another thing, whenever she hears or talks about anything slightly autistic she'll laugh. It infuriates me. It infuriates me that I can't argue with her. When I know I'm right I don't stop arguing and it's something I can't control, but she yells at me.
And in the morning she doesn't even say 'hello' or 'good morning' she just tells me to do chores. I'm sick of it.
02 Mar 2010, 12:24 am
