Feeling incredibly overwhelmed with living with someone

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I wish I could live alone.
My spouse's habits drive me insane. He takes towels and leaves them all over the place. He can't put things away. He can't keep things organized even after I explain things a million times. He is plainly a very unorganized person.
He is gone for the weekend and I am feeling so relieved. I am taking time to reorganize things. So that I can have a day to roam about my house. Normally I stay in my room because something is always out of place, and I get dizzy, my throat tightens up and I feel overwhelmed.
I clean, but I do not think it is fair for me to follow him as he does things in the house and be a maid to him. I reached a point of giving up, so I avoid being around the house because I get depressed.
I try to explain how upsetting it is. He says I am just being silly. He can not grasp how hard it is on me. I have been living like this for 10 years.
Any one have any tips. I am sitting in my living room, noticing things are not in its place. I am on a verge of a meltdown.

I am slowly cleaning and organizing. I like cleaning. But seeing things out of place is the hard thing.
The only thing to keep me going is to fantasize about living alone.

There are huge benefits to living in a relationship. But here are two suggestions:

1. Buy a shed. Find yourself a hobby and do it in the shed, and nobody else is allowed in.

2. Buy a shed. Find your spouse a hobby and don't let him out.

(When I say shed, actually a computer can be a good, personal virtual space that you can keep how you want it.) At home I have my spaces - my desk and my side of the bed - that nobody should either "tidy" or put things on. Anyone can touch my things or us my computer, but must not leave even a fingerprint - this helps people understand that it is not a privacy thing, it is an orderliness thing.

Have one last talk with him. You have been 10 years with him and you have obvious distress and anxiety from his messiness, so if he sees this as "silly" then he does not respect your feelings or care about your health. Make it clear that this is the last time you will say it and next time you will be packing up.

It doesn't seem to me like his messiness is out of bounds for a typical person. But you are most likely quite bothered by it, and he may never be able to measure up to your need for organization.

A compromise is needed here--some way that you can get your quiet and order, and your husband can live without having to keep his space in perfect order at all times. Yes, he should do his share of the housework; but if your need for order is very large, he may simply not be capable of doing enough to make the environment comfortable for you at all times.

I think I agree with Stuart's idea about getting personal space for the both of you, a place where you can go where he is not allowed, and possibly a place for him, where you are not allowed. Other than this messiness problem, ten years of marriage seems to be a good indication that you two are decent at working together and facing life together; it shouldn't fall apart over having different needs for order and privacy.

You will have to talk to him about the problem, and to figure out a place where you can have your own space. Talk about how you are often stressed out and need to relax, and need a place where you can be alone and have an orderly environment. If your husband knows you at all well, he most likely already knows how stressed out you get when you have to be in a messy room, or forced to be with people when you desperately need to unwind in privacy. If you can, be positive about it--emphasize how this would make your relationship better, because you would not constantly be too tired to interact with him properly.

If you are organised, then it is likely that you have systems and strategies for organising things. Could you try explaining such systems to your spouse so that he can make use of them and save you a lot of stress? It is possible that he just doesn't know how to be as organised as you need him to be.

It would be so freaking nice if everyone who couldn't live with people (and this includes me.... this is one of the reasons I can't see myself married or in a long term relationship) had the money to get a giant house or a duplex or something and each half of the couple lived in their own space (Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter live like this). I imagine that you're just a regular person and you don't have a huge amount of money, but you do need your own space. In a normal house/apartment, that can be hard and even the "I need my own space" discussion can turn into this huge argument where it just sounds like you don't want anything to do with your partner, not that you just need your "me time" and your "me space"

But, you've been together for 10 years. Surely he's not such a baby that he can't have a talk with you?

I have my own space. It is my sacred space. He has his sacred space too. In my space everything is in its place. I can't go into his space, it is soooooo unorganized.
The rest of the house we keep clean. I feel overwhelmed with his habits. I once duct taped towels all over so that he was not dragging them around. My heart sinks when I see tea towels tucked in a closet or draped over a chair. Oh and he helps with cleaning, but I get agitated if the towels are not folded and lined up. I see cups where the bowls should be. I see papers tucked where my cups should be. I stack my bowls together and to see everything out of order drives me insane. He has absolutely no sense of order.
I can't leave him. We have a son (in the process of getting a diagnosis with AS).
I joked that I was going to buy the house next door to save our relationship.

It's you, not him.

You have to look at what else he brings to this relationship. Is he a good father? A good provider? Is he kind to you & does he love you? If so, then you're going to have to let this crap go. it's not that big of a deal. Would you rather have a loving husband & father to your child or a cold, robotic neat freak?

It's not just your house. it's also your husband & childs house. I imagine you have some thing that you do that bother him as well.

Well duh. I know its me. Pardon my Aspieness. I am trying to cope. I was here to vent how I was feeling. I was on the verge of meltdown over the disorganization. I had my cry and managed to plow through things.
But my husband does bring financial stability...i am kidding, I am an accountant.

for some reason I thought this forum was about autistic spectrum disorders. I shall leave this site. Good bye.

It is. Don't leave just because one person isn't making the effort to understand your point of view.

Did you read the OP, or did you just go "they have AS, therefore they must be wrong and unreasonable."? I'll highlight an extract for you:



Surely that means that, to the OP, it is that big of a deal. People react to different things in different ways. What gives you the right to imply that they are unreasonable and in the wrong for not reacting in the way that you think they should?

please don't leave! I feel your pain and I could have written everything that you have shared. I have the same exact problem as you. My husband is very messy and it sends me off the deep end sometimes. I have huge sensory problems and if things aren't in thier places I become unhinged. If the house is out of order I feel like something is wrong. It is a sort of panic sick feeling. an overwelmed anxious type of thing.

I to have a dream of living alone but this is unrealistic as I can not afford a home on my own. Somedays are better than others. I try to concentrate on what is good abt my husband. I also have my own room which helps some.

I have heard of therapists for sensory integration problems. I intend to find one, it could help with the overwelmed feelings that come up over the messes.

Please know that you are not alone. I too struggle with this everyday and the occational times when hubby is away are pure bliss.

Best, Nelle

Of course I read the OP.

I understand that she is severely affected by the house not being organized the way that she sees fit. It is also my opinion, from what she has posted, that her husband sounds pretty much like a normal joe & that she has extremely high and unrealistic expectations and standards. Unreasonable ones IMO. I'm not the only one that feels this way after reading what she has written. Read the other posts.

What I'm trying to say is that while I understand that having the house slighty out of order causes her to freak out IMO it is unrealistic that her husband, or any other person, for that matter, will ever be able to live up to her unrealistic standards. it's just not going to happen. So she has two ways she can handle it. Live by herself, or, deal with it and understand that her husband has a right to a comfortable house as well. What makes her comfortable is to have everything in order and in it's place. What makes her husband comfortable is to have it "neat enough", because life is just to f'n short to worry about whether the cups are in the bowl space in the cupboard. Reasonable people should be able to meet somewhere in the middle.