I don't even feel human these days

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More like an observer watching as the human sheep go on their constant days and dos. Gaming with friends helps me feel human for a bit, but once the talking stops and everyone goes back to their real life things thats where the loneliness kicks in. What is the purpose of having these reproductive organs when they will never be realized? Why look normal and yet not be able to fit in? Essentially I'm a very purpose driven individual, without a purpose theres no reason for me to do things. It can get to the point where if it wasn't for family I'd probably do a bad job of taking care of myself purposely as a way of slowly killing myself.

I think for many of us, the 20s and teens are the worst due to the hormonal things going on. The various drives of humanity pressing on our skulls during this time is a bit much to bear due to our sensitivities. Though I know some manage it better than others. Having gone through many backstabs in terms of relationships I've become pretty jaded towards anyone wanting to get to know me. "If its too good to be true, it is and hardly without exception." is what I live by these days. Its only gotten worse in our current world where anyone can pretend to be anything. There are many wolves in sheep's skin out there, some of them pre-pubscent ingnoramus' who do it just for kicks or to be funny. While others do it for more sadistic reasons, such as to crush other's hopes, dreams, etc.

The only way I know if they are sincere is if they keep trying to make contact and keeping trying to be with me for a long period. People who are usually out to just make someone miserable tend to not keep up the charade for a long time though there are rare exceptions to that.

As far as women are concerned, are a lot more frustrating to deal with. Mostly because as much as I would like one to be close to me, there are very few who make the effort I require to earn my trust. Even then they may not last as they move on with another man who satisfies their needs. I don't hate them for it, but I do feel the pains of guilt at being unable to handle the emotional baggage that a lot of them seem to have. I predicted that the only individual that could possibly fall in love with me would be a psychologist but only if she was curious to understand as alot of aspies do often get misunderstood as well as she would have to find me interesting enough. But like I said, I don't anticipate this scenario to manifest as its not accepted for such fraternizations with a patient (as if I trust them enough anyway after they tried to drug the hell out of me).

I still have as of yet seen a woman capable of proving me wrong, though I wish that were so, I just don't see current humanity being capable of it. Where is that supposed helper who would help me out? Where is that person who I could come to rely on? Where is the woman who would love me for who I am? I've given up believing that supposed promise. As far as I know she doesn't exist...

As far as the supposed goodness of mankind, I find it almost laughable these days. Those exemplars or "heroes" of such an ideal that we laud in media whether gaming or television are either long gone, rare, or are people who are hopeful but unable to do anything to help which most of us fall into the latter category. Most of us are just trying to survive the madness that is organic existence, alot of us have a tough enough time getting through the day let alone trying to help other people. I do what I can to help my parents in dealing with this new frightening digital world but at times its rough. To be honest I am fed up with having to be the hero for other people. I can't do it all and frankly I need a hero for myself just to get me through. But like I said, hardly any have what it takes in that regard for me.

Right now my friends are elsewhere and I don't talk to them about this sort of thing. Mostly because they are in similar circumstances and theres nothing any of us can do about it. Same reason why I haven't posted my thinking in a forum like this. Why bother talking when it doesn't generate much of a conversation or can lead to real solutions? There isn't any, so right now me doing this is probably a waste of time but there isn't anything better to do that I would rather do so here I am.

Be aware I am venting, who knows if I am even making sense...

i hear what you are saying. you are making sense. as for slowly killing oneself-

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

i might add that god granted us VERY suicide-resistant bodies, it takes a lot to kill a body off. neglect only makes for a prolonged death of a thousand cuts. it could take decades. my dad tried to eat and drink his way to oblivion but his body lasted 78 years despite this treatment.
there are countless others cursed with raging hormones that have nowhere to go. it is torture which lasts until the male hormones decline with middle age. it is a cold "misery loves company" kind of comfort, that there are millions upon millions of other folk on the planet frustrated with unused reproductive organs as well as solitude, at least one is not alone in this respect.
having to be a "hero" and feeling unappreciated in this endeavor is not unknown among spiritually advanced folk. after mother teresa's death, among her personal papers was found a decades-old note which read:

"I am told God lives in me---and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul."

so you see, even SHE needed a hero for herself! there was nothing in her life for herself personally other than her service to god and humanity. you are not alone in your "dark night of the soul." you are "being there" for your parents, that is a most noble thing. not every child honors his mother and father, so you are exceptional - remember this and take some moral comfort from this. there IS goodness in mankind, an exemplar of which stares back at you in the mirror. if you meditate on this, your anguish will be diminished.

there is a god, it [this life] is not all for naught. it just takes time to realize this. i didn't understand it until middle age. you are here for a reason which you must discover for yourself, and even if you leave before your time it won't eliminate that reason.

take care

There is wisdom in your words. Though I draw some comfort from them, it won't stop me thinking about my fate every now and again. Every time that happens I remind myself why those things won't happen like a girlfriend or something thats beyond my grasp and its like I am stabbing myself mentally. Then you emotionally react by feeling down and defeated as if you failed. Ironically I wasn't trying to make myself feel that way I was just reminding myself why, from my own perspective, those things logically wouldn't happen or won't last. I came up with a variety of reasons why, all logical and that made sense. But cold truths I guess can be difficult for someone to swallow, even me. We're raised up believing that we are all capable of anything only to find out the harsh reality is that we are really limited in what we can do.

once you do it, youll find it highly overrated. just scrape some money together head to the bunny ranch and get it over with. with the pressure off you can relax and focus on bigger things

how does one "feel human"?

let me count the ways:

feeling more human would include being effective in life, which means having a no-drama facility to navigate and negotiate the twists and turns of adult life without undue effort. it means a natural ease with identifying suitable mates/partners, attracting them, meeting them, marrying them, and optionally but importantly having children with them with which one is a properly loving and diligent parent working in harmonious concert with one's wife/partner. it means having a nice satisfying sex life, married or no, gay or straight. it means knowing one's limits but with simulataneous broadening of skills and surmounting of limitations over time. it means being able to look at oneself in the mirror and genuinely like what one sees. it means being attractive and interesting in general. it means being reasonably happy with one's lot in life, yet aware of and compassionate towards others who struggle and are hurting. it means being able to laugh at oneself and at others but with love aforethought. it means having a smile in one's eyes. it means having somebody with which to say "i love you to bits!" and to have that other person love one to bits in return.

i probably left a LOT of things out, but you get the general idea, i am sure.