I Never Thought I'd Be One of Those People Who Post A Suicid

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i didnt think i'd be one of those people whose life just started to suck so much that they post a message on her about their thoughts on suicide.

I am not going to commit suicide.

But i have stopped caring. if my car steers into oncoming traffic because of the tears in my eyes or if i fall into freezing water and drown, these accidents will not be accidents. it will be because the universe has just taken away all of my future and left me with nothing and i have simply stopped caring.

it is not enough to be alive if your life has no future

It is highly arrogant to assume that you can predict your future to that degree. You cannot.

There are times when the future seems like a brick wall, and you feel like you're falling down a dark tunnel. One conclusion I came to is that most of the negative thoughts we have are illusions, meant to scare us, stop us.

i am highly arrogant

That's depression at it's finest, my friend. I just got though 4 days of depression that were unbearable. I felt the same as you, hopeless, didn't give a s**t if I was alive or dead, couldn't feel anything, etc.... The only advice that i can give you, is to try and figure out what is bothering you, and try to do something about it, even if it's only a bit of rationalizing it. Also, it will pass. Believe that. It's a tortuous waiting game, but one that must be played. Things will get better, if you are strong(and patient) enough to wait it out.

mjs82:

I've been there. Last year I had a really rough time due to the supervisor I had during my assistantship/job during grad school making life rather difficult. I ended up being unable to find work in my chosen field and sunk into a major episode of depression. I said pretty much the same thing you did.

Life will get better.

i await to be derided for whats depressing me as being trivial, but here goes


on monday i found out my tv show got rejected. no feedback. nothing. just "pass"

two years ago i wrote a feature. i put off making it last year so i could go to school. it is based on a true event.


today i found out that someone else has written a script about it and its now getting made as a multimillion film. they're a first time writer too. if i hadn't gone to school, i would have made it. it was going to be my ticket in.


since graduating i've been feeling i'm no closer to getting in. now i feel like i've been punched in the face twice and kicked back further. this is five years of my writing life down the drain effectively.

i feel like rubbish

i have been here also till one very bad day my bank ripped me off and i was thinking of ways to end it and i pretty much had someone thrown into my life lol

my life still isnt perfect but its now bearable just wait to have a wonderful something thrown into your face like a pie when you've finally scraped most of it off you actually think i quite like this situation its just about finding that something thats lurking around the corner

mjs82, I think it helps to think, "this is only temporary." If you remind yourself of that, sometimes it gives you a reason to keep going. Things will be better soon, or a little later. Try to just manage your daily life right now, even if you can only handle an hour at a time.

I'm sorry about your tv show. It doesn't sound trivial at all. It's very important to you. Things like that always seem so unfair, and it can be hard to keep going when people don't recognize your work. But, it is obvious that you have talent and good ideas. You will have more ideas, then. You just have to keep trying.

It will be okay.

"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings" -Shakespeare

Things are never as bad as you think they are, people always assume the worst, especially if they're thinking negatively. The human brain seems to give more authority to negative thoughts than positive ones, no idea why, but it's easy to overcome by remembering the quote above.

There is no such thing as trivial pain when it hurts this bad.

I've been there with working hard on a project and discovering someone else beat you to the punch. In fact I think every screenwriter has a story like this. Remember that just because your project deals with the same story does not mean that yours is no longer viable. Yes, you might have to tweak it a bit. Give it a different spin, but where you were creative before, you can creatively solve that problem again.

It is perseverance despite the frustrations that will win in the end. Maybe you'll have to put this project on the shelf for a bit and work on something else for a while. You might find that what got rejected yesterday may be accepted next year. Worst case scenario, it never gets produced. But every act of writing is experience that benefits your future writing. Perhaps you haven't gained as much as you'd like, but you haven't lost anything.

I read scripts for an agent in Hollywood for years and I passed on all but a few of them. I very well may have passed on some good material simply because I didn't see where it could work. But it might work for someone else. Just keep sending your stuff out there. The more times you play the lottery, the greater your chances of winning. (wow. That sounds like a really cheesy aphorism but I think it's true in this case.)

I have let one or two rejections stop me in my tracks. I stopped trying long before I should have and pretty much gave up writing 10 years ago. I'm trying to pick it up again. With the benefit of age, I have realized that if I had kept working and sending my writing out there, I very well might have enough success to be happy with my choices.

It's hard and painful and you will never get enough success to feel successful, but with a lot of effort, you might get enough to feel that the work was worth it.

I wish you the best of luck,

Lars

MJS: I have been here (virtually) with you for the last five years. In that five years, I have suffered the untimely death of my father and a crippling accident that stopped my life, career and money in its tracks. But through it all, WP has been here to help when I needed it, when most of the rest of the world didn't understand, know, or care. You amongst them.

I can't imagine how I would deal with what you're dealing with.

But I can tell you that I did try to kill myself once, and I (obviously) survived. It was a serious attempt - ended up in the hospital for almost a week, partly for medical reasons, partly psychiatric. And the thing I learned from it is that suicide is not an option any more. I don't have that voice inside me any more that says "F*** it all - it's just not worth it". There is no option other than life. Whatever happens, I have to deal with it, and I do somehow. It's all very existential and hard to describe.

The tool I use now when things (externally - because that's what's really your problem - the world and the a**holes that took advantage of you) become unbearable, is to ask myself "What's the worst thing that can happen?" For me, it's usually loss of income. So I look at that realistically to see if that really could happen (which is usually not the case).

And sometimes just being pissed is okay. Allow yourself to be angry - you were royally screwed.

Or maybe there's something you can do about it, and focus your energy on that. Can you talk to a lawyer? Can you turn this into another story? Can you turn lemons into lemonade?

Okay.

I have to admit, I had a major meltdown this week and I still feel as if I am without a sense of purpose.

but...

The hope that this might change has slowly started to re-emerge. I am feeling a bit better and I'd like to thank you for your support.

Im glad you feel better now. I went through something similar a few days back now. I had a major loss of control on a day trip and ended up hurting someone I like. I was ashamed. I spent the next day in almost total silence. I felt hopeless and angry with myself. Long story short, I banged my head so hard against a wall that it bled and ended up hanging out of a window. Thankfully I managed to get back in with some help. I realised that no matter how s**t things might be at the time, things will get better. I made up with the person the following day and now I feel back to myself (more or less) again.

Just keep thinking good thoughts

Yeah! You're back!
I was worried.

I'm glad you're still alive.