Dunno what I was hoping for

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So a few days ago, I bumped into a bunch of people at a bar that I know,via facts verified under real world conditions, could not care less about me. Yet, they still, for reason that are theirs alone, maintain the facade of social niceties and reciprocation that may be a hallmark of a "Normal Adult "Relationship" TM that I've so read in scientific literature but have never really seen in person.

Anyhow, we chatted - and by that I mean we exchanged general, inane questions as to the most pointless facets of daily life with the intention of purposefully not trying to delve deeper lest we may be thought to be actually caring for each others' person-hood - and eventually, when the shallow well of topics had run well dry, we decided to go outside to smoke.

I followed - I dunno why - and afterward they all exchanged cigs with each other. Now I don't smoke, but I decided to accept the offer of one - again i dunno why - and puffed and puffed and went along with the conversation all the while feeling my lungs constrict on me. After the cigs were smoldered, they decided to have a drinking game and again I followed - I dunno why. They poured out vodka into flasks and chugged them like Sahara traversed bedouins gorging themselves at an oasis and I followed suit - I really dunno why. Now this was on the early mornin of a weekday where I had proper business to conduct but still I followed. Eventually, we got completely pissed and I finally found the initiative to stagger home by my lonesome while all the others went off screeching like a pack of hungry hyenas.

The next morning, after the headaches had ceased, I was truly despising myself. Never was I apart of their company and never will I be -barring inexpiable, heroic circumstances on my behalf. I knew with crystal clear comprehension that they would never bother to contact me to make sure that my bloated, alcohol laden corpse wasn't floating down some river and I was absolutely right. I still haven't heard back from anyone of them - nor did I expect to when I made bumped into them in the first place. But I still tried to go along with their social rituals - and I dunno why.

Actually that's a bit misleading, I do know why - the allure of social acceptance is much to alluring - but what I don't know about is why it has such a pull despite all of my rational faculties telling me otherwise.



Anyhow, all that rambling aside,I guess the real reason I made this post is to ask who among you have tried to foster a real relationship with others all the while knowing it was doomed to failure, and what sort of feelings or ideas compelled you to do so regardless? why is the pull so hard to resist at times?

This reminds me of a time a friend invited me and a few other people to a house party. It was all quite small. I had to travel about 5 hours and no one else did, so I was already going to feel exhausted. It was a hot day too which made matters worse. Not just hot, but deathly hot. Any who I had to spend a day, while tired and almost dehydrated with a bunch of happy social people talking about some of the most nonsense things possible.

We had drinks, lots of drinks. For some reason I seemed to be consuming the most. I had a sip of one person's drink and almost passed out. It was straight alcohol. I didn't know what it was but I went to get more. Did I smoke? I don't remember. What I remember is constantly having a drink in my hand, sitting and giggling because I was so drunk it's all I could do. There are photos of me drink two drinks with straws at once. I don't remember that! I'm a responsible drunk which means I only throw up over the balcony once then pass out on the couch.
Then when I came to everyone was playing a drinking game. The 'I have never' type game where if you have done that thing you have to put your drink in this tub called the King of Beers. I thought the whole thing was stupid and didn't want to join in. I was still extremely drunk to be honest so after a few boring minutes of watching that game I went back to sleep on the couch.

The next morning I felt awful, physically, so I had some water. I didn't feel as crap as the other people in the house, who were up into the early hours of the morning drinking. But I really did screw it up. I was in bed by 11pm. I could do that at my house. I didn't enjoy my night at all. On the plus side I did stop drinking for awhile.

So the next time I was invited the that guys place I said no, can't make it. I guess I did all that because I thought I could. I sometimes do alright socially but not when I have to be at someone else's house with people I barely know. The next day I desperately wanted to get away from them. But I had to get a lift to the train station and our driver had a hangover so stayed in bed until midday.

You two are the wise ones. I kept trying in the hopes that something would change. It never did.

Having tried this a few times I really don't bother now. I'd rather use the booze money to put petrol in my car and take my dog out walking somewhere nice. You meet NT's dog walking, exchange a few standard greetings that amount to the same quality of social contact as bar contact and you don't have a hangover. You don't have any of the hassle passing for NT. You also have a very happy dog.

Drinking like this is a puzzle, I agree.

I have this rather annoying crush on someone, and I instictively seek that person out, arrange to run into that person, or have an excuse to be around that person-- the usual teenage stuff. It hardly ever turns out good. I try too hard I think, to impress that person and make them laugh. I end up talking too loud. I'm trying to break the habit, because even if that person accepts me as a friend-- honestly, I don't think I can even hold up the conversation for more than a couple of minutes. It's a good thing that our run-ins are short.