Grieving a Lost Friend

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Hey. I didn't exactly want to pour my whole heart out when I'm so new here, but it's really hurting tonight and I want to tell someone about it.

See, I lost my best friend, who was also the person I... secretly loved. Let's call her "Kind." I met her online about four or five years ago, and we'd never met in person, though we got into the habit of sending each other packages and letters.


I guess it started around November. That's when she started kind of... flirting with me, I guess? She said things. One time, I remember she said she wished more of our characters were in romantic relationships together. Another, we were talking about how we didn't believe in perfect "Disney" love, saying that no relationship was without flaws... but then she said she felt ours was. And Kind also sent me half of this heart-shaped thing, and she kept the other... there were a few other instances, too.

All of it together, well, it makes me think Kind had feelings for me. I started thinking about it, and realized I felt that way about her, too. She was the nicest, more perfect person I've ever met. She didn't seem real to me.

Kind was depressed though. She really didn't like her college. She had a terrible roommate, and problems with classes, and had trouble making new friends. I always did my best to cheer her up, and she always told me it helped, but I don't know anymore.

Later, in January, Kind... got a girlfriend. Another person she only knew online. Let's call that girlfriend "Canine." I knew Canine a little bit before that, but we were nothing more than acquantinces. Even though I was really jealous when Kind and Canine hooked up, I did do my best to support Kind. I just wanted her to be truly happy for once, and figured that if/when the broke up, I would make a move on Kind then.

However, her depression still deepened despite her girlfriend, so I decided to do something I thought would help. I decided to send her messages every night just to tell her how I was doing, ask about her, and the like. I figured something stable, even if it was just getting a message from a friend every night, might help the depression recede.

I started to get more jealous, though. In one note, in late February, I told Kind that I was "miserable" in my nightly message. It was extremely late, but apparently she was still awake, and she jumped onto AIM, worried about me. I couldn't tell her I was jealous. I mean, I could, but I knew it would upset her... so, I pushed her away that night, and asked her to "just go to bed, I'll be fine." I think that's what set it off.

The next morning, Kind posted a public journal telling everybody that she was leaving the internet for good. She didn't explain in depth why, just that she felt too stressed out by life and that she felt her friendships were suffering both online and offline. That made me think that Kind thought we weren't close enough because what I'd said the night before... because I wouldn't tell her the reason why I was upset. It was partially my fault...

On that public journal, I said to Kind, "please don't do this." I was in shock and extremely upset, to say the least. But Canine replied to me, saying some nasty things about how I didn't have a right to ask Kind to stay...

I knew that Canine, her girlfriend, could still contact her because she had Kind's cellphone number. I asked Canine if I could have Kind's number to text her and set up this present exchange Kind and I were going to do before she left. Canine told me that Kind basically didn't trust me to text her, and that "her mom would find out." I think that's a lie, personally... Kind doesn't even live with her mom, how would she find out? Anyway... Canine said Kind at least would let me send my present to her, so I decided to write a letter to send with it.

I expressed all my feelings in that letter. I wrote that I loved her, and begged her to come back. I sent the package, waited a week and a half, unsure if she got it or not. I asked a different friend of Kind's, one who could also contact her, if she got the package. That friend of Kind's told me she did, and like Canine said some nasty things to me.

So, right then and there, I knew Kind got my letter, and was ignoring me. And I... don't understand. Don't understand why she left in the first place, or why she lets Canine talk to her still, but not me. We were... way closer. Kind never, ever seemed like the type of person to be so horrible. I don't get what's going on.

Part of me wants to send Kind another letter, as it's been a month in a half, or even give a surprise visit by driving to where she lives. But... if she really wanted to talk to me, she would come back, right? Still... I'm torn if I should try again or not. I'd like some advice on that.

And, well... I'm just grieving and really upset over this. I know you might not think we were that close since we only knew each other over the internet. It still feels like I had a bullet shot right through my heart, though. There's not a minute where I'm not still thinking about her.

Hi Shadow

Thank you so much for "pouring your whole heart out" to us
it doesn't matter if your new or not. Just, thanks for sharing ^_^


well... I apologise
but i don't think the advice i could give you would be that useful
considering i've never been in a close relationship, online or otherwise
but...

contacting your friend would be worth it i think
just as long as your not obsessing over her
Never being "in love", i don't really understand how a person could obsess over another person

perhaps one day i will....

but i digress

what i'm trying to say is, well...

a surprise visit is a great idea, imo
just as long as you don't worry to much about acceptance or rejection and just approach the situation casually, you should be fine
(easier said than done, naturally)

of course, my advise could be completely worthless
sorry if i seem like i think that i know everything. (that tends to happen with me)

I hope that this maybe helped you reach a decision. (maybe)

good luck! i hope things work out for you

I think that Canine may have been jelous. I understand that you're in pain at the moment. About Kind, she's in a relationship with Canine. Perhaps to keep that relationship with Canine (given that Canine may be jelous and also has probably seen your letter), she was probably given an ultimatum by Canine.

If I understand these things correctly, a person who's depressed can sometimes be pushed around by removal of support threats. Kind probably knows that you'd be there for her but probably doesn't know about Canine, perhaps viewing Canine as a person to validate her.

I don't have advice, it seems a nasty place to be and you have my sympathy.

This is very sad. You have my complete sympathy.

Hi ShadowsandRemedies, I'm going to try and respond to what you've written. Apologies in advance if what I say is harsh- I don't intend it to be at all. I will say though, that I am going to refer to your friend's girlfriend as 'C' because I think it is unfair to call her 'Canine' when you have not actually given us any reason to think badly of her. I'm not saying there isn't bad blood between you guys, there may be, but from what you've written, all she seems to have done is date the person you fancy, and refuse to give out somebody else's phone number. Personally, I think that is fair enough.

Unfortunately, because you have feelings for Kind, it was unfair to C to send her messages every night (because she is Kind's girlfriend and it is her responsibility to be the main support). I know you meant well, but if you didn't explain why you were doing these things, it is easy for someone to come to the wrong conclusion. In this case, Kind may have thought you were becoming a stalker and C may have thought you were trying to steal her girlfriend away or break them up. If any of my boyfriend's female friends sent him texts every night for no apparent reason, I would be very annoyed at them too.

I think the fact that Kind has broken off contact with you is quite revealing. She could get back in contact with you if she wanted to, but so far she hasn't. The worst thing you can do is send more letters or try to contact her. Leave things with her and perhaps she may get back in touch, perhaps she won't.

If it helps. I don't think she will be off the internet forever. You can't really avoid it in this day and age. Also, bear in mind that the reason she quit may not have been anything to do with you. It may simply have been a coincidence and her reason for leaving might have been due to work or a falling out with another online friend. C may have refused to give out her number because of the texts (and I don't blame her, sorry), but K may be oblivious to it all. If she is depressed, then she may have enough on her own plate and need to focus on things close at hand. This might mean that she is postponing the friendship for a while until she feels better. She may also feel that she cannot cope with your worries at the moment and the letters may be too much to respond to right now.

I think perhaps you should wait and see what happens. If she comes back online, just be pleasant and friendly, but don't send any more heartfelt letters. I've been given a couple of those myself from a former boyfriend, and whilst you may have meant them well, they can be very guilt-inducing and awkward for the person reading them. Just don't mention them again, and don't send any more texts. I think you will need to accept your role as Kind's internet friend, not her boyfriend or guardian angel, and not try to take on so much responsibility. I know it's hard, but this sort of thing happens to nearly everyone in some form or another. The pain will get easier and perhaps a break for a while may be a good thing.

If you really want to contact her again after a few weeks, then send her one email, and just simply ask if she's feeling ok and that you hope she's well. If she doesn't respond, then leave it be. Don't ever go to her house. I know you may want to, but seriously don't. You might end up with a restraining order.

Good luck

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

@asdsa: Thank you for the sympathy! I think I may send a letter after another week or two... I'm really worried if she's okay or not(after all, she was really depressed when I last saw her), maybe put some encouraging words in there, just so she knows everything'll be okay. And, don't worry at all, you don't sound like you're being a know-it-all in the least!

@LostAlien: Thank you for caring. I feel like Canine may have been jealous, too... I feel like half the internet knew how I felt about Kind, since everyone I talk to says "I had a feeling that's what was going on..." Perhaps Canine saw it, too. I don't think she was bad enough to give an ultimatum(though I'm not sure, I never knew her well), but maybe she encouraged Kind that this was "for the best" or something. I could definitely see it happening.

@happymusic: Thank you. I do hope things get better...

@Lene: Ah, no no, you misunderstand. "Canine" isn't an insult, I just chose a word almost synonymous with what people call her online. Same as the name "Kind;" close to the username but not quite. I'm not sure I agree with everything you say... I don't think having a girlfriend should mean cutting off contact with the rest of your friends or the relationship changing at all. Thanks for the rest of the advice, though.

Ah, ok. Sorry, I thought you were trying to imply she was a b***h.

I didn't mean that you should cut off all contact with Kind, just that sending texts every night may have been overstepping the boundaries of the friendship a bit.

Unfortunately, the relationship has changed to some extent; she no longer is chasing after you and now has a girlfriend. That does mean that you will have to be more careful than before that you don't unwittingly give out signals that you fancy her or give her girlfriend any real reason to be jealous. It's in your own best interests to avoid friction between Canine and yourself, because if it boils down to choosing between a girlfriend or a friend, most people will chose the former, so you are the one who stands to lose out.