Ugh... Life is so messed up right now.

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Late last December, just before Christmas and my twenty-first birthday, my boyfriend broke up with me. He doesn't think it was a very bad break-up, but I definitley think it was. I went into a full-blown depression just in time for the holidays because of it. He seemed happier.

During the next few months, we've been talking on and off. At some points, we were like good friends again. But other times, like right now, I feel like worse than second choice. He's become very, very addicted to RuneScape. In fact, he's been playing it for eight years now. I don't care for any of those online roleplaying games. I think they're pointless, addictive, and wasteful. I know he's been playing that a ton lately. He's become obsessed. And everything's easier for him right now because he has school and a job so it's much easier for him to talk to someone or make friends. I can't find a job to save my life (don't bother suggesting anything- the economy here is exremely bad) and I won't be starting classes until April 5th and it may not be as perfect as I want it to be. Of course I'm not going to know yet, but I'm at the point now where if I even look forward to something a little bit, something's going to go wrong. I'm normally an optimistic person, but that's all that's been happening lately.

Now here's the part that's really troubleing me in the whole situation. When we very first met each other over two and a half years ago, we started making a story together. This was a ton of fun for the both of us and it was a really good escape from reality, something that everyone could really use at one point or another. It didn't take long for be to become addicted to the stories (we've worked on different ones) and I've almost become obsessed with them. I even have an entire Photobucket account dedicated to images that we can use for the stories. I've worked on that account for well over fifteen hours. We can both pick and choose things from it together.

Fast-forward to today. He hasn't done the stories with me in three weeks now. We used to do multiple ones almost daily. And for someone as addicted as I am, that's just making me very upset. He keeps saying he's "busy", but he just doesn't want to talk to me is the thing. And I also know someone over there is convincing him to stay away from me and I'm sure it's his parents. I've been asking nicely, "Wanna do the stories tonight? : )" not even every day and he blew up at me insisting I'm demanding it from him. Like I said, it has been three weeks and of course I want to do them. But does that sound like a demand? That's really all I've been saying! He sent me a couple of really nasty messages yesterday and ended up making me cry, despite the fact I was having an awesome day just before that. Here's his most recent message:

"Well, I was busy.
Remember, I'm not obligated to fall to my knees to every one of your requests. If YOU want to keep the stories alive to do them again, I think you had start to stop pushing me around. I used to tolerate your demands back when we were together. But it's not like that anymore. I don't usually respond to people that try and force their demands upon me with an "Or else" message attached to it."

I never once did say "or else" or demanded them. Like I said, I've only been asking what I posted above. I know I have because I didn't want to appear too rude. Now I'm also sure my ex has AS, and I'm sure RuneScape is one of his interests, as well as the JFK assassination and various TV shows. I don't really share any of his huge interests with him. We definitely did at first with different ones, but not these. Ugh.

He's also been plagueing me with many bad dreams and nightmares lately. My sleep schedule is all over the place now, even the complete opposite of what it should be. And whenever I am up during when I would typically be sleeping (like during the day for instance), I'm like a firecracker ready to explode. I've been so stressed out lately from all of this. And unlike him, I have no one to go to. I have no friends and I don't know anyone right now. I'm just in my room all the time. Or shopping. That's it. I haven't even wanted to do another pageant lately. I did one in January and that's been it this year. Despite how much I've been winning, I've just lost the love for it and everything else I like. I feel like I'm going into another depression again. I can still have fun and laugh and stuff, but not long after that, I'm back to crying. It's obvious I'm very lonely. I'm a very social person and I love to make friends, but I think from all of this, I am losing that aspect of me and just giving up on everyone.

This is the first true relationship I had ever been in and I thought he really was "the one". He was going to move in here this summer and go to a local school for college. Then we were going to eventually move out together and start our life. We had every single little detail planned out. I had never felt more motivated to do anything in my life. But ever since he left me, that happy and excited feeling is gone. And the only fun thing I even really do anymore is shop and I don't really have much money to do that with. At least I've got a bunch of really cute spring clothes now.

Also, my dad is coming here next weekend and I haven't seen him in five years. I'm not even looking forward to it at all because of everything going on right now. He's the kind of person that says "get over it" and that's not what I want to be around. It seems like no one really understands but my mom, and all she's saying at this point is "move on". But I can't move on. I have no one to move on with and I'm still addicted to the stories. If it weren't for those, I could've dropped him instantly at this point. But because of them, I just can't. I spend a good chunk of my day thinking about the characters and what they're going to do next. It's a ton of fun. Like I said, it's an escape for me and I really, really need that right now more than ever.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Let's say, a dog has an infection on its tail, and its spreading. In order to save the dog, the tail needs to be cut off.

There are two people who can do it. The merciful empathic gentle person, and the direct, blunt person.

In one case, the direct blunt person goes WHAM and the tail is cut off.

In the other, the merciful empathic gentle person goes very gently, and just keeps cutting off the tail slowly for the next 5 hours.

. . . . . . . . . .

Listen to me. You can't stay friends with someone who is DRAINING YOU.

The problem is that he hasn't actually left.



Yes, DRAINING YOU.

This guy is not your responsibility anymore. You're not together. HE broke up with YOU, and he CONTINUES TO USE YOU as the dump site for his negativity.

You, in a codependent fashion, are clinging on to a dream of being creative together with him, but that is not going to happen. YOU are the story writer now, not "YOU+HIM". Chances are, you were the real storyteller even when you worked together.

You need to sever this unhealthy link, so that your personal stories can move on as they're supposed to. You're not just holding yourself back... by letting him use you as a crutch, you're stopping his progress too.

First love is very hard. You open up to the person like you may never open to anyone else for a long, long time. However, first love also always bears the illusion of being with "the one". In most cases, that is illusion, not truth.

Judge the tree by its fruit. Your link with this guy has been giving you rotten apples for a long time now. He's never been The One.

Cut off the tail.

Here's something else that's really big that I forgot to mention above:

When I was fourteen, I was molested by my uncle. I escaped just before he could rape me. Because of this, I have become very tramatized. Like my ex, I still have a lot of nightmares about this creep. Even my dad says that if he ever sees him, he'll kill him instantly. But because of my uncle, I now have a very irrational fear of kissing. I wasn't really open to the idea before that (I have OCD and I am a complete germaphobe), but now it just really bothers me. The first time I tried to kiss my ex, I started hyperventilating out of fear, almost passing out. He knew the situation and totally understood. He was disappointed (Why shouldn't he be?), but he didn't want to rush me or anything. I was able to kiss him six months later, but to be honest, I just hated it. But I really do feel like he was the only person to understand this. But I also think that could be part of the reason he broke up with me and just isn't saying it. But this is not a normal situation either.

As for my uncle, he is not in jail. In fact, my grandma (who likes him more than me) actually gave him a job at our local grocery store, forcing my mom and I to travel farther away to shop. Wasn't that nice of her? Very recently, he's been fired and the house he's renting is being taken away. He may move back to Virginia (ironically where my ex is) but we're still waiting to see if he does. Who I'm really worried for also are his youngest daughters, who are just one year younger than I was when that event happened.

But anyway, my ex was honestly very caring about the situation. But I still have to wonder if the kissing thing played into it. But what's honestly really weird here is that it seems things are getting better (my creepy uncle leaving, my dad coming to visit, starting school again, etc.), but why can't I feel any better?

Through the changing circumstances, The Universe is sending you an influx of positive energy you need. You will feel better soon. However, if you pour this energy down the drain by spending it on your ex-boyfriend, The Universe will stop giving it to you.

You can never get sick enough to heal someone else.

Your uncle is a separate story thread. Don't mix them all at once. Deal with only the things that affect you directly right now. Your uncle's family will wait, and so will tectonic plate movements in China.

It sounds like you're having upheavals all over your life. This can turn out very well, even if it hurts a lot in the meantime.

The ex-boyfriend - I get the impression that he's really past tense. You have to grieve the loss - can you get counseling - this is a very big issue and you shouldn't have to go through it alone. But staying away from him completely might be a good idea.

The stories you had with him, and the pictures. Could you reframe the whole thing so that it's rewarding without him? Or maybe follow story lines that already don't include him? This sounds like a very creative effort. Sometimes creativity can lead us to a better path.

You're isolated, that's got to be fixed. For one thing, stay in touch here at WP - you've got friends here.

Edited this post.

Last edited by Lightning88 on 07 Mar 2010, 6:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

You know what? You're right. In fact, I'm not even going to reply to his next message until he is ready to apologize. I don't deserve to be treated like this by any means and I do have more things to look forward to coming right up. Maybe I can find a new boyfriend in school and possibly do a similar story thing with him. If not, I can always work on it myself (even if it won't be the same).

I actually had a feeling for a little while that something big like this was going to happen. But I didn't think at all that it was going to be right at that moment. Just two hours before that, he was helping me through a different situation that was also going on right at that time. So those two things together just made everything hell for me at the end of the year. If the holidays hadn't been right there, I'm sure it would've been even worse. It would've been nice if my birthday had been better (he was going to fly here for it like the previous year). I had only been looking forward to my twenty-first birthday my entire life...

I really do want to get counsiling but I don't know when I'll be able to. My mom always takes care of that since I believe I'm under her insurance and I still live with her (not moving out anytime soon now). I'll talk to her about it today. My dad also suggested it recently, but he can't do anything because he lives in Texas and I'm in Indiana.

I'm thinking about it. It's going to definitely be different since I'm so used to doing it this particular way and having to brains come up with ideas instead of one, but I think I may be able to make it work.

Sometimes being friends with an ex boyfriend is a bad idea. I don't want to overgeneralise, but from what I've seen, staying in touch with your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad idea; there is some truth to the phrase 'the first cut is the deepest', even when they may not have deserved your love in the first place.

This guy dumped you right before Christmas and your birthday; he's a s**t.

I think you should continue the story thread on your own. Don't post any more pictures on your mutual thread; keep a scrapbook or something and collect in private. You're free to change the story as much as you like now.

It may not be his parents who are pressurising him to stay away; he may have another girlfriend that he has not mentioned, or he may simply be drifting away under his own steam.

The nasty messages, to me, are a sign that he's quite comfortable where he is at the moment; he's in power and can dictate the terms of the friendship. You need to extract yourself from this situation; focus on yourself, you projects.

As Monsterland has said, forget your uncle for the moment. Sure, your ex was sympathetic, but anyone would be; only a complete and utter psychopath would dismiss the impact abuse has in your life.

As for your dad, he may be quite unemotional, but if you quietly explain that you're a bit upset becuse of the breakup, I'm sure he'll understand. Most people have been broken-up with on some occasion, and it's not a memory you easily forget.

Very true. In future, when you find someone who really does care for you, you will look back at your first relationship and say "good riddance".

Like I said, if it weren't for the stories, I would've dropped him instantly. Unfortunatley, it wasn't that easy. We had been working on them since I was in high school and continued them through "the college ages". I'm about to start attending my third college now. A lot has definitely changed in my life since we first started doing them. When we started them, I was at a really great point in my life. I think part of the reason I like doing them so much also is because I can look back on all of that. 2007 was truly an awesome year. Since then, there have definitely been a lot of ups and downs. More downs than ups, but I've still done some really fun things since then and have been generally overall pretty happy. There was a day in late October last year that I can definitely say was the happiest day of my life.

I've been afraid to ask him if he has another girlfriend. My mom thought of it first and last time I asked about something she suggested (it was something big), that's pretty much how everything that's happening now. At this point, even if it hasn't happened, I'm afraid of putting any ideas in his head and motivating him elsewhere. I thought for a while that he'd see what he's done wrong and come back to me, but now I doubt that's going to happen. When he was being nice again, I would always think 'today's the day he's gonna ask me to be his gf again'. He was even hinting at it. But now that I look at it all, I think he just gets satisfaction in playing with my emotions and he knows I'm in a weak spot now and is taking advantage of that "power". That can't possibly be a healthy way of thinking.

I just don't think my dad will understand. He is truly the most arrogant person I've ever met. He thinks of no one but himself and if you try to question it, he'll blow up about it. When I was little, he was considered the 'cool parent' but even when I was just five years old, I knew he wasn't being a very good parent. By first grade, I saw myself as more mature than him. Looking back at it, I probably was! I hope by the time he's here (he'll be arriving on Friday), I can focus more on having fun. The weather's starting to finally warm up as well, so that's also something to look forward to.

Ugh, seriously, drop him. He's clearly doing your head in, whether he realises it or not. This has to stop. Also, don't expect him to announce if he's seeing someone else; it's up to you to ask.

The past may have been great, but once things get sour, it's time to move on. The story project was great at the time, and I'm sure you gained a lot from it, but I think if you continue to hang on to it, you may come to resent it in time. If you let it go now, you will still keep the memories.

If you think your dad will be unsympathetic, then maybe just don't tell him. Share your feelings with your mum or other people you can trust, and just be polite and friendly to him. That said though, don't rule him out completely. My dad was the 'cool' parent in my family, and I usually never open up to him either, but when I broke up with my first bf, it really helped hearing his views on my ex because I really appreciated the brutal honesty. Your dad may not be the most emotional person, but he will care about you, his daughter.

Well, things aren't better now. They got worse if anything

I learned late last year (literally just before we broke up) that I can't just let anything go. If there's something going on, then I just want it to be resolved and be happy again. I absolutely hate having someone mad at me. So of course over the weekend, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. After he said some really nasty things to me (about stuff that happened that I can't even remember until he brought it up- which is definitely a first for me), it seemed to wind down a little but not much. I was telling him to try and remember the good times we've had together and I named some examples and all he said was "It is hard...". That was a on Monday and that's the last I've heard from him. He's logged in since then (we PM each other on YouTube since he no longer answers the phone if I call- neither does anyone else there apparently) but now he's just blowing me off. And like I said, I just want this resolved and to be happy again. I really, really hate uneccessary stress. All it's doing right now is making me depressed and I just want to be happy again.

^ You sound just like me, and I'm a December baby, too. We like things in pretty packages, tied up with bows. Thing that I'm learning, though, is that people won't just go in boxes willingly. The best thing I can do for resolving situations, is to be responsible for myself. That means, the one thing that I am itching to say, is probably the one thing that I really need to keep my pie hole shut about. It's soooooo hard, and it causes a lot of psychological angst. Believe me, I understand perfectly. But here's a metaphor that I repeat often-- You can't push the river.

Let it carry you, doll.

The end of a long-term relationship can be difficult, especially if it's your first such relationship. The disturbance in routine was always a difficult thing for me, too,

Very true.

In my last breakup the one that stuck for me was, "When someone breaks your heart, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

(Hmm..there seems to be a river theme building here )

These things take time and there's no predefined time in which you should be over him. You have to go at your own pace. There are people who pass through our lives and leave a big enough impact that we carry a part of them with us as we travel.

Here's the absolute latest update. After not talking to him since Sunday or Monday (can't remember anymore), he PM'd me "Hi". That was it, but it's better than nothing or some nasty remark. I think part of the reason he PM'd me, though, is because I posted a video of myself yesterday (I do every week.) and I just happened to look really, really good in it. He's told me before that he thinks I look absolutely perfect. Not to brag, but I am a beauty queen after all But yeah, I'm starting to feel a little better now. Hopefully it'll continue like this.

Also, my dad's coming! He should be here in fifteen minutes! I haven't seen him since 2005, so that's kind of a decent-sized chunk of my life there!