Mental Defenses- does this happen to you?

Post Reply New Topic

Somebody else wrote a post that resonated with me, about having three parts internally.

I have a "Normal" "Crazy" and "True" (aspergers me) living inside me, and recently as ive gone thru becoming an adult + experiencing more emotional damage, I am mixture of all three at the same time, im not sure. Normal is a fabricated persona that ive created since i was a child , a facade for other people if you will (but he is just a facade and sometimes True slips out) - he has the symbols of being normal, an interest in hanging out w/ friends, certain music, fads, interest in sports (i played sports in high school), drives, goes to school, works and is a reserved (suppressing True) but nice guy. True is the real Aspergers me that ive hidden from everyone, even myself for years because of how other ppl treat me for being True in public. Since Ive donned Normal on the surface for so long, his and Trues identities are intertwined and I do not know which parts of me belong to Normal or True anymore.

ive been teased, mocked, emotionally destroyed thru failure and/or hurtful whispering and being laughed at. Even when I have Normal out and somebody whispers about me or makes fun of me, that hurt goes directly to True. To combat this hurt True had created yet another facade called Crazy. Crazy comes out when True is hurt in anyway, he is unstable, vengeful, tactless, selfish, angry anxious and either blow up at ppl and drive them away or runs away to hide and waits to morph back into Normal or True.

This is called Borderline Personality Disorder I believe...and I'm angry that I never noticed my shifts in behaviour and thoughts when I was younger to maybe prevent this, it is a living hell. Having AS is hard enough but ive become this way which is even harder.

Just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks.

-TM

It's a good thing accepting this I think. Most people have a facade, both AS and NT. It's just manifesting a bit differently.

Personally I find my own facade rather destructive as it only creates more anxiety and depression. In a social society, I don't find this state very pleasing. As you say, "True" slips out, and I find the process of True escaping from Normal to be a sad and depressing process.

If the clear boundaries between the two are being intertwined to some extent, maybe you are on a road to find a working balance? Think about it for a while. If you take away Crazy and the frustrations, what do you feel about Normal and True possibly being intertwined? How is it working for you? Is the mocking and laughing a growing problem or is it getting less and less of a problem? Maybe you're around people not understanding who you are and where you're from.

In my world, the True and Normal are still very separated and sometimes I'm afraid I might go real schizophrenic one day. Living two lives...

It's good to get things off your chest.

- NE

I still think exposing the true aspie in me is only going to hurt and isolate me and not very many people in this world are open to difference. The times I showed the true aspie in me I managed to burn my bridges with people and I know my NT friends know I'm an aspie and they few issues if that side decides to come off. It's something that I struggle with and I won't acknowledge - being an aspie - especially an male asian aspie and how the way my brain works prevents me from doing many things NTs take for granted.

I'll say this - I play the NT facade like it's second nature. But the problems of being an aspie are still here. I just wish there was a way I hit the reboot button and I can go back in time, maybe back when I was born and I wish I wasn't an aspie. I'll never be truly happy about myself, as long as I have difficulties functioning socially and I just wish I can tell the aspie in me to STFU.

yes my identities boundaries of Normal and True are spilling over into each other and Im having trouble clearing it up, but im in the process of finding a balance/cutting out the fake parts and strengthening the real parts...its confusing though, its a lot of soul searching.

And nthach I was/still am thinking the way you describe here. I wish I was never born sometimes, I wish i wasnt AS but the truth is I am indeed here and I have it and nothing will ever change that. It hurts but I hit rock bottom and have accepted it- now the only way I am going is up because I came to terms with AS as I never knew what the source of my problems till recently

Have you ever had any experiences with dissociation? I experience dissociative states which are related. Do you have a therapist you can talk to who can help you figure it out? I know what I experience can be very disconcerting, so you have my sympathy.

oh yeah Ive been dissasociated on and off beginning in my early teen years to present day. I have my good days and my bad ones. If I dont see a friend or talk to one for a day or two I feel like I dont really exist and that the world has kinda stopped...but once I get proactive and do stuff it goes away for that day- ive just been filling my days with stuff to do till i was 19 and when depression hit and I no longer could do things it amplified ten fold. its pretty destructive in that I need time to warm up to being around other ppl when im like that.