ok.. need to vent.

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my dad is an a hole. he beat me all the time as a kid. he stoped but is still tormenting me by antagonizing me. I get so upset i start hitting myself hurting myself anyway i can. i do cause im so mad i just snap. He ruined my life took everything from me why wont he just leave me be?

I am stuck with 2 choices. leave and barely afford to eat because rent will take up much of my money. never talk to my boyfriend because i need internet to talk to him because he lives in another country. he is the only one who cares about me in my whole life.

Or stay with dad AKA a-hole. who i hate and who hates me. obviously i need to go because he will never stop . i cant pretend to like him much longer , and when i break he will kick me out in the cold like before.

God I'm so frustrated! I am lucky to have one other person who cares. she is going to give me dishes and stuff i need to go . but she is going though the same thing with the guy she is with. the sad thing is she is giving me this stuff because she too is facing homelessness.

My mom the only family member who cares is dying. she will be dead in under 10 years from copd. she also has breast cancer.

My parents are losing there house anyways but for all i know that could be a lie. my dad always told us we would be broke because the business was failing. but i later found out he lied to me as a kid so he could have an excuse not to buy me food and such. he is such an a hole!

I have a complex always worried if i have food in the house because as a teen and below we often had barely anything. but my dad went out to eat and made excuses why that was possible. he said "well i work and you don't". so i went on thinking i wasn't supposed to eat because i was a wast of space.

you all have heard about the abuse. guns and beatings and such and i know you don't want me to repeat it again. but telling you helps even if i said it already.

But I'm so angry at him.

I am angry at me for not being able to find a way out, for not being able to work and for being so broken that i just try to get by each day without smashing my head in. yes! it is that bad i get so upset at my life that i snap and try to bash my head in.

But i realized it is not my fault. i have been trying since i was like 12. i was worked about work then. i tried to fix my self back then and i haven't stopped since. i have such bad problems.
I realized its not my fault i was beaten and it is not my fault i cant work. i have real problems and no help . i never had help so that's why i am here. it is not my fault. i am not lazy and i should be proud of myself for trying and not jumping off a bridge.


i am a strong woman and i was a very strong child to put up with the weekly beatings and never telling a soul. to feel dead inside but find hope in the smallest things. to have everyone who cared go away. and now to have the only one who loved me growing up (mom) dying. and to be slightly sane through it all . I should be proud. I'm not but i am trying to tell myself it is not my fault.

And its ok to be angry at my dad. but i am so frustrated, I just want to get out of here but here is a link to tell you why it is so hard. http://www.namiscc.org/newsletters/July01/hud.htm

We have unbreakable minds, and most Nt's would never believe what we have been through if we chose to spoil their day by telling them any of this stuff.

I'm so glad to hear from you I worry about you and your situation.

My father was really abusive to me and my mother. He was very sick towards the end of this life, so there wasn't really much physically he COULD do. But it wasn't much fun, anyway.

Over the years I've learned a lot of things about getting in and out of bad situations. For one, I learned after my mom remarried that I would never be welcome in my own house again. As long as I lived there, I had to have a job (in the booming fast-food biz, haha). I also learned I didn't have to do ANYTHING as long as I stayed in college (though this can wear one down, also). I learned that temporary jobs are good for keeping you away from an unhappy home while you make transitions. I also learned that, despite what mom says, it IS possible to study out-of-state for an advanced college degree.

Trying to find work with AS is difficult because when you're young, you're expected to bounce from one job to another until your working experience makes you suitable for a permanent job (or, in my case, starting a small one-man business). The "real world" is no less survivable for people like us, even if coping with constant change is more onerous than for NTs. It just involves finding a path--ANY path-- that leads away from where we ARE at any given point in time.

What I'm interested in knowing about you is what keeps you rooted to an abusive home with your father? Age? Money? Perhaps because of the abuse, you aren't aware that you CAN just pick up and leave. I'm committed to where I am to avoid a lot of changes I think would negatively impact my children, but there's no reason we couldn't pack up tomorrow and just fly wherever the wind takes us. I've had to put my family through a period of homelessness because of economic hardship, but we knew enough to hang in there and pick ourselves back up when conditions got better.

No one can MAKE you leave your father. But you're the only one who can make you stay. Anything anyone has told you otherwise is false. Figure out a quick, temporary fix just to get out (wait tables at a restaurant, learn how to make lattes, change oil in a car, etc.) so you can get a one-room apartment. Take the time to shop around for different jobs that pay better, save up a little money, and leave the country if you want to.

It IS possible.

You are right, What happened to you is not your fault.
You have every right to be angry at your father.

You have to get out of there.

find a job of some description so you can get an apartment.

as for job searches are there organisations in your area that help people find work by providing vocational training?
I have heard of charities that do that.
if there are, you should contact them.

Any suggestion I would make would be vicious, gore-soaked and quite likely illegal.

You have a few options.

1: Homeless shelter. May not be glamorous but if you stay there, you can afford to go to an Internet Cafe to chat to your b/f.

2: Report him to the state

3: I assume family is out of the equation so perhaps you could stay with a friend?

Most of all, I would advise focusing on your mental health. Your mind is shattering, piece by piece. It is like a crystal. And he is wielding the hammer. You need to reinforce yourself first. Find what makes you, you. He can't touch that. And focus on that, block him out.

Jesus Christ! I'd kill that piece of s**t. Ha ha ha, you don't have to take my advice, miss.

i cant really work because of all my issues. that's why I'm on dissablity and ssi. but it just doesn't pay enough to live anywhere but the getto .

I have looked at all the options and for now i am stuck. i wont go to a shelter because they wont house me for long. and i really cant take care of myself very well on my own.

I will wait till my boyfriend can somehow find a way so i can be with him in England. that is my best option. I am very great full he wants to take care of me and get me out of here. he is the best guy on earth.

I don't have any options or i would have taken them by now so i just need to vent form time to time so i don't get to bitter about my situation. i want to keep positive and not let my family destroy me.

My boyfriend left to go back to England today. I dont know when I'll see him next. i was so happy he could come over for 3 months but i am sad he is gone. i am hopeful he can find a way so we can be together permanently.

If you want to pray for me, pray that I and my boyfriend just-you find a way to live together away from our messed up family's.

Thanks as always for listening. i am feeling ok today and somehow hopeful about the future. i just have a feeling it will all work out somehow.

I can sympathize with your situation, but unfortunately i cannot offer a solution. my mother is rather supportive of me but we have little to no money, my father however is pulling down $200,000 per year between him and his wife, not including the houses he has for rent. while this may seem like the ideal family situation its not. my father is an as*hole as well, he uses the money that he has to try and push us around (currently trying to take the house from us) and he has never used a cent to help me since the day i hit 18. He has never made any effort to understand me or my condition (as a matter of fact he has yelled at me a number of times for things outside of my control) and what it took was for me to finally break down and to attempt to kill myself before any psychiatrist would listen to me (my father is a salesman, he made a good impression on them and they assume i have problems with him marrying his stepwife). to top it all off i am currently having trouble finding a job (i dont want to live off dsp forever). I wish you all the best, but i unfortunately cannot really help with your situation. Just remember that killing yourself will hurt both your mother and your boyfriend.