The chokehold of my job.

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Office Space was a prophetic film:

Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
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Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
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Here's a conversation I had with my manager today (very typical):

Manager (scowls): So, did you check your Email?
Me: Oh, this is about that build that I did twice by mistake, that you sent me an Email about already.
Manager: Yes. So, why didn't you check the build ?
Me: There's so many automated Emails, and they all look alike. I get overwhelmed. I made a mistake.
Manager: But you shouldn't make mistakes. You should be more careful. This situation is out of control like this.
Me: (sigh) This doesn't happen every day. It was a human error.
Manager: But you see, I don't know that you won't make the same mistake tomorrow. You'll just say that you had too many Emails, and they all looked alike...
Me: (silence) (no matter what I say, he will turn it around on me, so what's the point)
Manager: This is not good.
Me: (silence)
Manager: This can't happen.
Me: (stammer out with difficulty) I-will-be-more-careful-in-the-future.
Manager: Yes. I certainly hope so. You better be.

Neither my manager nor HIS manager have any people skills. For instance, HIS manager a few weeks ago yelled at him in front of everyone and called him a "ret*d". A few days after that, the same man got in my face and yelled asking if I am "too hardcore" to install some updated software he sent an Email about.

This man said once, "Sure I could file a paper and get my own office. But I don't do this on purpose - I don't want y'all to relax".

. . .

I've been at this job for 8 years now, and it's been getting worse with every day. Quitting is is a financial suicide in this economy. I "rent" an apartment in my parents' large house now, and, sure, they would obviously still welcome me if I was no longer able to pay rent.

It is not REASONABLE of me to quit on my own. I am afraid that if I quit, it is a statement of defeat and immaturity, not just toward this job, but toward all jobs I'm capable of doing. An admission of my brokenness as a human being.

Yet I also wonder... how much of me is really me anymore ? My soul get squashed at this place, full of routine, hostility and fear. I become subhuman. A slave. Someone who is wrong by default, because of his place on the food chain.

Like my female co-worker, I could maneuver around this by smiling and joking around it, and KISSING ASS, but then there would be nothing of me left. I may be suppressed and afraid, and full of hatred, but at least what I feel is genuine. At least it is MINE.

Yes, full of hatred and fear.

FEAR, because, on weekends, I fear the Monday, because that's when the terror begins. The yelling, the impromptu meetings which last twice their planned time, the unpredictable nitpicky errors they find in my code... These robots, they will lecture you for 10 minutes over a single space left at the end of a line...

HATRED, because I've spent years creating a videogame of my own. It is my ticket out of this hell. However, this job has been sucking so much energy out of me, I'm 5% of my former speed. If it wasn't for this job, I would be able to focus on the game and it might be FINISHED by now already.

But I can barely do it. The game is complex, and I need time to get into it. It takes hours to just get into the mode where I can start working on it. I need WEEKS of continuous work to polish out a single part of it to completion.

The job doesn't leave my head when I arrive home. It just makes me bitter.

I wonder what kind of person I would be by now if I had my own business instead. If my game was complete and had taken off...

HOW MUCH OF MY NEGATIVE, STRESSED OUT, BITTER PERSONALITY IS THANKS TO MY JOB ?

I do what I can... but every day I come closer to the point, where my body will just react in a Pavlovian reflex. That point where the manager will nitpick, the boss will yell, on the same day, and then my body will react to preserve the remains of self-esteem and humanity that I have left...

I will come up to my manager, and ask, "Have you been beaten to the point of hospitalization before ?"
As he will shortly discover, it will be a rhetorical question.

I am not religious, but I understand the statement "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's"

I see that to mean I should only be what they pay me to be when I am there, and I am me when I am anywhere else but there. I, too, have retained my job through the recession but I am simply a wage slave on a cubicle farm that pays for my housing, my food and clothing to go back the next day to work.

If you let them dominate your thoughts when you are off the clock then you are working for free.
They only rent your soul, in exchange for your time and undivided attention. The moment I have to trade my skills to do that next task that I don't want to do is when it becomes 'work'.

And there is a whole world that is experiencing the same dynamics you are. Sorry I could not be more positive.

Duuuuude....eight years...I cannot imagine that...I've personally never lasted much beyond two years at the most on any job...but I am completely familiar with the soul-crushing oppression and persecution. As for the ass-kissing - I was born without that gene - I wouldn't know how to go about it if I wanted to, but frankly, I'd rather slit my wrists than suck up to rat bastards that I didn't respect to begin with. I also understand not wanting to quit, for several reasons. What's amazing is that they can find so much to criticize in your work, and yet they haven't fired you. At least then you could draw Unemployment Insurance and relax for a little bit before you had to find another job. That might give you a chance to finish the game (but don't pin all your hopes on that, that egg hasn't hatched just yet).

See what kinds of organizations for the disabled are in your area that might be able to help place you in a different job*. They might be able to find you something less stressful. Even if it paid less, it might be worth the peace of mind to do something quiet and simple for a while. Emptying wastebaskets and vacuuming offices might be worth a pay cut, to get out from under the constant pressure and haranguing.


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*watch for words like "Rehabilitation" in their name

I was thinking about doing something in an office style environment. Can't all be as bad as this , can they?

Most offices have their own politics, but they're not all bad.

I work in an office style environment, and my co-workers found out I took offense to the word 'ret*d' as in "Oh, did you see what I did with the O'Connor account? I am such a ret*d!" or "oh, I am just brain dead today, just put me on the short bus with the other window lickers"

Believe me, managers don't want to get in the middle of stuff like that. Not in the social pressure cooker of a busy office where people spend more time with each other than with their families. Managers are bullied by bullies, too. They can't go firing everyone because they are offending other's delicate sensibilities, and frankly, it is the complainer that usually gets the sack. (All for reasonable cause, of course, after all they control the performance evaluations.)

but it is the same for AS and NTs, so don't feel singled out.

How do you deal with all this stuff though? I've decided in terms of sociability, I'm a total coward. I mean , there's Aspies who go to night clubs, there's Aspies who can survive office environments
which might seem initially like spending eight hours a day in an irridation chamber . Total kudos to anyone who can do this. I think they are very brave not avoiding this kind of thing.

Being in the office itself day in and day out is something to work out as best you can. I learned the hard way to memorize seating charts to names of people (as my mental processing does not recognize people by facial features) and casually greet each and every one of my fellow department members at least once a day, making my face look pleasant and wishing them a good morning/afternoon/evening and then at least once a week comment positively on something they are wearing or some little picture or some nick-nack they have on their desks. I keep it short, but it dispenses with the
1. recognition
2. compliment
components in office social structure that human interaction needs in the Office setting.

However - I have learned if I do more than just a minute or two at the most, I run the risk of exposing my social ineptitude and having my carefully crafted plan fall apart. This means, if I get to chatting with Molly and get into some social faux pas (false step) and later get to nattering on with Lisa and get into the conversational weeds - Molly and Lisa will get together and compare notes (not as blatant as that, but you see where I am going ) and it just makes it more difficult for me to not be seen as socially odd.

Perception is everything, memesplice, I have found to be scrupulously clean and modest in my body and clothing, and always having fresh breath. I practice looking pleasant in the mirror (my smile is a grimace that is sort of scary for people, so I settle for 'pleasant' expressions) and make sure I can feel that learned expression on my face when I interact with people in the office. I use my abilities to figure out computer problems and help office mates with that (it passes for social interaction and allows me to focus on the technical part and the other person perceives me as helpful. Once your office mates sees you in a pleasant, approachable and helpful light, your work space is a much better place to work in.

I wish you all the best, memesplice, keep your work statistics up, memorize the employee handbook for your own guidelines in what is appropriate and try not to hold your office mates to the letter of the law. Never let anything come as a surprise to your supervisor (good, bad (especially bad) always let her/him know immediately if there is an issue between you and a customer/another manager/co-worker/security/custodial staff. . .you name it, let them know. I can't emphasize how important it is to get to your supervisor before they do (and your supervisor will learn they can trust you to make her/him look good (i.e. on top of things)

It is do-able, memesplice. Go for it!

sinsboldly : My problem is this. The only real social interaction I have had is with groups predominantly made up of self employed women artists . In my thirties I looked "scary" and I guess my function was to go and deal on their behalf with the males oraganising the events, or idiots who bothered them during the day . It was a good way of doing things and you never got to the point where you were in a close enough group for the dynamics of exclusion to kick in. Worse was one event where we all stayed over . I made mistake of going to pub. Organizers there and other business types. I was singled out in about five seconds and all the usual crap started. Fortunately one of my friend turned up before it got bad. ( Looks like a model and takes no sh*t because she was brought up in a very poor environment- it was like having a professional protection escort for the night.)

Not sure what to do when all dynamics in office lead to singling out. I probably will scare males as well. Have tried acting stupid so as not to intellectually wind them up but have low tolerance of stupidity myself and it is painful,

Not sure if I could hack this part of it.

Hi monster, I just threw my job in, for all the reasons you mentioned and more. Luckily my husband works. He got tired of me going to work miserable and coming home in tears. I was also therre 7-8 years.

It worries me - whether I'll get work soon, but I wasn't living - I was just barely existing.

Hopefully it will get better for both of us soon.

Sounds like the movie.
Maybe you should slowly push the boundaries, allowing time for things to settle and then push some more.
Next time your boss gives that tired lecture finish his sentence, tell him your busy, then completely unfazed turn back to your computer and just work, completely ignoring any attempt of his to disrupt you.

I witnessed a similar sort of behavior at one of my jobs as your boss displays, he's stressed from constantly being brow beaten so he needs an outlet to vent, become non responsive and he'll seek easier quarry elsewhere.

you are joking, aren't you? Don't you know that insubordination like that will be not taken well at all?

Merle