Kind of Pointless?

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I don't know. I just want it to end you know? To all turn black as my corpse rots in the ground. But at the same time I have the kind of desire to better mankind, to do physics to make humanity a more advanced species. I'm just so unsure of it now, yet before it was all so clear and obvious.

I lost someone, well not really, they kind of just forgot me I guess, some girl, it wasn't a relationship or anything serious, just that out of 6.8 billion unique individuals, she was the only one I could actually connect to, in any meaningful way. I feel no real connection to my family or friends, just her, and now she basically...well she doesn't even realise I exist. Its all so damn complicated.

So....I don't know what do. Live or Die. It makes no difference. I am but atoms. Structurally organised in a specific way that allows such functions as thought and speech. But that doesn't mean anything to me, because i'd rather be motionless, because I see no discernible difference between the atoms of a brick wall and those of a human. They're all atoms to me.

ah, it sometimes seems this way, no? don't give up, instead, find something constructive to do- are you sure she's forgotten you? have you tried speaking to her lately?

Definitely don't give up. There will be more girls and women, and there's lots more physics awaiting you.

*nod* it *can* be hard sometimes; believe me, i know, but that's why we're sticking together at wrong planet

Nah my physics is all done.

Somehow I got born with amazing talent in physics, but the world wants maths. So i'm done, I can't do the maths, not without hours upon hours of extra effort. So i'm stuck behind with no real hope. The system is against me. I don't fit the way NTs collect or process information. Its all meaningless how they think.

And she's not that important, she's a faker just like the rest of the world. She means nothing really, nobody does. I am the only person I need to worry about. And then i'll be all sorted.

I feel for you. But it will be OK.

It's really hard to figure out your own unique brain. There isn't even any language for most of it. But it's worth doing, and then it gets easier to translate into NT.

There are lots of different ways to do the maths, and lots of different types. I bet you actually think more mathematically, but not the way NTs think about it.

i highly encourage you to reconnect? you ask how? sometimes the simplest solutions can be the best.

for starters did she seem remotely genuinely interested in you as a person? i'm not talking romantically or anything, but did she enjoy your input?

if so i'd try asking her to go do something with you casual or no, doesn't matter. maybe a movie. play it off as someone having ditched out and you having an extra ticket if you must and not wanting it to go to waste and that you've already asked a bunch of friends. a little cliche, but it can work.

to her way of thinking she could see ulterior motive, and boldness is good. or she could see it as a way to go see a free movie! if you can name a single living soul on this planet who wouldn't appreciate getting free stuff, i'll have lost all faith in humanity as an opportunistic race of individuals.

on the upside, either way it'll even if momentarily swing her attention back to you and give you a chance to put your foot back in the door.
could even try discussing things you used to after, starting out like, "hey, haven't seen you around in a while, how've you been?"

or you could try more conventional and direct methods such as just straight up trying to randomly create a conversation with no backdrop. and address the facts. "hey, i enjoyed how we used to talk, but i notice we haven't been so much lately. maybe we could hang out sometime and resume where we left off? i'd like that"

technically speaking, yes, you're just a collection of atoms. but you're a collections of atoms with a purpose dammit. whether that purpose be as big as you'd like or no, go fulfill it to the best of your abilities and try to find contentment in that

hope i've helped. advice can only go so far, at some point it's solely up to you to accomplish your goals

hope you dont still feel like this

I hope you start feeling better, soon.

I hope things get better for you.

I like laying in a nice hot bath tub at these times.

I hope you stick with the physics. For school and such, I imagine it's real hard, cause to start you have to learn everything. But once you get into something specific, you just deal with that same kind of specific stuff generally. So maybe the type of math you'd used would get easier cause you'd become more entrenched in the thinking patterns and formulas.

Best of luck... I suck at math too... Perhaps you could get some sort of disability service that would give you more assistance with the math.

Wait a tick... you're going to school in the UK, and they aren't providing you with the resources you need to do well in spite of your different learning style? I thought UK schools were supposed to be really good at that?

I ask because I'm supposed to be applying for UK schools this fall (for next year) because the American schools are s**t and nobody will help me over here either. If they're no good in the UK, then I guess my own options are fairly limited too, then?

I realize that I'm probably not the most helpful person on here right now, but I'm hardly the right person to be giving "cheer up" advice right now anyway. It's probably best that I don't bother trying. It would come out wrong, and I'd sound like I'm endorsing such thoughts/behaviours, or something. Actually, I kind of feel like I'm making that very mistake right now. Shutting up.

If you do cheer up though, please do clarify the uni situation. It's basically been the primary thing on my mind for months. Thanks.

UK schools are theoretically good, and if you have a SEN(Statement of Educational Needs), then it means that they're supposed to try to do stuff, but the reality is that you have to fight for a SEN (the school often tells the mother, nah, he's doing fine, he doesn't need it, we'll take care of him), the kid hits secondary school, where the problem gets worse. They have to move classes for each lesson in secondary, which can be a logistical nightmare for an aspie (packing/navigating large crowds) and have a different teacher for each lesson.

The good news is that if they survive secondary school and are academically minded, university can be a tad better, because the majority of the people in tertiary education are there because they want to learn, not because they're compelled to by the law. Of course, it's not complete nirvana, because there's still the aspie learning style to deal with, but at least the people are nice, and it is quieter!

My situation is that I'd have to get a diagnosis upon arrival (I'm not actually diagnosed and can't afford it here), and I'd be dealing with unis. Still trying to sort out all of these details.