May I rot away and return to dust

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Existence is overrated mostly by those who invest much of themselves in it. For me existence is merely being a backup slab of human meat for the grinder that is society. The idea of being just another cog continuing the same pattern over and over again as well as realizing that I didn't fit in this world caused me to drop out of college. I gave what little of my hope I had left to other people so they could have the strength to overcome their issues but now I have no hope for myself. May God kill me fast, for even I am approaching my limit. I don't want to have to take action myself, I imagined what it would be like to gut myself with a kitchen knife, when I was a child I attempted to do it before.

Society is a cruel monolithic b***h and God is one who lets events unfold for they are meant to be. If you have no proof of your worth, have nothing that makes you stand out then you are a redundent cog. Too much of the same things deserve to be cast aside and forgotten. Only in the digital world have I found any worth or value but of course we humans cannot survive on connection of brains alone. I called my house of place of the dying to my mother's face when I was really aggravated at one point. For only those that are on their way out of life dwell in it. Much of our family has broken apart, the young kids far away slowly forgetting about us. May I be cast down and forgotten, let this mockery of me end, may death be my escape from madness.

I apologize again for creating another thread that only contains sorrows of one who has failed. I merely ask that I be put to death to end the agony of living, people speak to me of hope and all I feel is agony. For all the prettiest words in the world cannot cover the fact, that I am of no worth to this society, more like a parasite surviving on those of good will and hope. A coward who let his fears cloud him and cut him off from the first group of people he came to know, who let fear consume him and rob him of any hope or destiny. I merely ask for the cycle to hurry and finish and put this worthless man to death so that another worthier person be given the resources to succeed. Otherwise I will squander all that I have, I will turn in a lump of fat flesh, a coward who is not fit enough for this earth.

For heaven's sake you're only 26. You've tasted 20% of life and you're not impressed. Neither was I - and I was suicidal too. Now I'm 59. I forgive those who go before their time - there are too many issues, including control, for anybody to judge.

I can tell you that I was one foot in the coffin when I tried to remain in the NT business world. I didn't want the label 'Disabled.' I am not disabled, nor do I pretend to be. But there are circumstances where no other word will make sense to the moron I'm trying to communicate with.

What support do you have? I have fought the last ten years to get support appropriate to my situation and I've got most of it. Are you still slogging around pretending to be normal?

I hav ebeen in this state before too, and I stop and think about those who would be devastated if I doe. I know it seems like maybe they will be better off, but it isn't true. I have found that I needed to accept being different and not perfect.I still have troubles sometimes but there are things to do and I cant dwell on that. Accept yourself- it is the first step, and then who cares if no one else accepts it? But people will and do- think about all of these people out here who understand and know how it is, who are like you in that respect. So you are not alone really, and it is not all lost.

you haven't lived long enough to judge yourself a failure yet.

You need more data. Try assessing it all again when you are eighty. Odds are you will have revised your opinion somewhat.

I don't see you as a failure. I see you as a fighter.

I totally feel you man.

I can't seem to decipher what makes you a looser/coward/failure etc any more than all the rest?? Why measure yourself by the standards of this rotten society or "cruel monolithic b***"h as you put it? You're just as worth as anyone else and you need not prove your "worth" to anyone but yourself.

we are all cogs.......maybe your just in the wrong machine. the wrong parts in the wrong machine of course its gonna break down

dude your 26 you still have your youth, don't waste it. once you choose death you cant ever undo that choice, there is always soemthing worht living for

Huh, guess I didn't have email notification on as I didn't get notified about the replies otherwise I would have responded sooner.

@Claradoon I've given up trying to communicate with anyone outside family or friends. I cast aside the notion of having "hope" in the system and even my faith has waned. Support wise its my parents who still provide support even though its mostly just my mom, while my dad does what he can at his job. We've always been a dysfunctional family, its been like this since the beginning.

@ProfessorAspie I really don't want to live till I am 80 to reach a similar conclusion.

@Booyakasha Difficult to decipher when you don't have the memories to analyze. I hear alot of talk about "self", love thyself etc. sounds like merely living in ignorance to facts. I won't be ignorant about myself, the last time I did so I paid greatly for it. As for why compare myself to society? Simple, they are the ones in control and who set the norms, I have no control over what they think. If people truly believed that they were worth just as much as everyone else I think society wouldn't be as it currently is.

@dalekaspie Not always, that is an assumption based on human hope. Unfortunately our feeling of hope isn't always correct in the midst of cold facts, regardless of how we feel about it. Youth is wasted on the foolish, call me a fool then, this life was better used for someone else anyway.

Death is inevitable, the rationale we use to prevent ourselves from suicide is having hope. And yet in the end of all of our struggles and the cycles of generations that will go beyond us, in the end our race will perish and no amount of hope will change that outcome. All that we are doing is delaying it from happening until the last moment, when the last man, woman, or child takes his or her last breath.

Why do we hope that things will get better? Do we really have that much faith in mankind? But regardless of what I think I probably won't change minds here, just expressing myself will have to do. My death will bring this cycle to an end at least for me, once and for all. The rest of you who choose to live do so, for that is your choice. Be aware though that there will be others will choose the opposite and you cannot be too harsh on them for that. Whether they be punished or not for their choice, no one in this life will ever know.

I googled asperger's and oceanside - does any of this seem possible?

http://aspergers.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/oceanside/

Even if you only phone them up, they might have more stuff that could help?

@hale_bopp Anti-depressants are not a good idea, medications don't really help and last one I was on from a doctor gave me terrible headaches which only made things worse. Passions?

@Claradoon I've had bad experiences with groups before. The last group I was in just had me come to meetings and we just talked about how life is doing and not that really engaging to me as I was surrounded by teenage aspies whom they rewarded for coming with candy. I was so disappointed I stopped showing up, don't have alot of faith in people right now to understand me.

I feel the same way as @Hell-Fox, not that it matters.

@mrandysmiley well it does matter in the sense that I am not the only one who feels this way. The more I come here the more I see the same kind of suffering with little that others can do about it other than offer advice. Of course I can't expect much more than that from a forum.

Sometime I plan to die, though only after my parents pass on. Once that happens suicide will ensure I won't be a parasite on anyone else. My death will ensure that no one else must endure my existence with me, particularly amongst my strained brothers trying to get by. I was never meant to survive in the end, as such as the way in nature. Those unworthy of survival will find only death, to be devoured and ensure the survival of a more stronger and more worthy individual.

I sit here, watching as my body slowly rots away. Can't even do some of the old physical routines I used to be able to do. I guess I must endure a slow rotting death.

I ask you what is a failure? Is a man who has lived doing what he loved doing a failure? Surely not. Just because what he loved was different from society does not mean he failed. I call people who use such labels ignorant. If for nothing else, live to fight for a better tomorrow or you will be proving them right. If however you never make it, surely such a life would earn you the right to punch whatever god you believe in for not giving you a fair go.