I normally would still be sleeping in at this hour but when I half awake this morning I woke up with all the memories of the worst roommate I had in college going through my head (basically the insults she was making about me behind my back and all that I wish I had followed up on). And now that in turn has brought about all the other terrible memories from college, the ex boyfriend who still picked on and harassed me after dumping me, the best friend who ended up betraying me while she masked herself behind the shy naive persona, and then of course there was everyone else who now I cant be around without having to put up with their insults or jokes about me being a lightweight or being Asian. Or if it's unrelated to that...they'll find something to say to get it to relate to that.
I'm sure all of these people would have a field day if they new what kind of person I have become, a slightly overweight, unemployable nobody living with my parents, who still has A-cup breasts and hasnt reached her college ambitions. Isnt that the dream every person has for their enemies? Well apparently for being their "enemy", my current place in life is their dream coming true.
Cause let's face it. I may have AS but I'm sure not the good guy underdog here.
They're always reminding me how I'm "mean" to other people and therefore I deserved all the insults and jokes that they throw at me. Of course everytime I do that same thing to them it's somehow a major crime and they make sure of me to see that point right away. So apparently I'm in the wrong here because I end up taking their jokes without telling them how offended I was (part of the Aspie trade is that I have difficulty responding to something upsetting an unexpected on the fly) and let it bottle up inside me. It's a waste to explain Asperger's to these people cuz like I said they mostly apply my flaws to being Asian (which I am only 50%).
So with all the trauma of the negative experiences of college leading to my current downward life spiral, I have also learned to not be around people ever again. People will never get my crap. I also accepted the fact that I will always be a self-centered jerkass. Once I accepted this, I felt a little better about myself. It allows me for the most part to accept all the many things about myself that I tried to hard to change but epically failed and allows me to have some sort of personality (being quiet is NOT a personality!) when I have to be around people.
And despite how miserable being alone is, it's made me wiser and smarter...well I wouldnt say wise. But considering how much time I've spent on the internet instead of getting in fights with friends I've become more knowledgeable on a lot of subjects, and dare I say it but I actually developed political views. Wow how's that for reaching a level of mental maturity when I started giving a sh*t about that?! I mean there's a whole lot I still dont care for though.
So at the sake of keeping myself from ranting on, I'm not in a good place but I try to survive...the problem is my whole life has ALWAYS been about looking back. And I know that all of you are gonna say I should move on...but a smart man would know how difficult it is for someone in my position to do that especially with all the scars that were left behind. I'm torn because I can't tell from the ones that I'm really at fault for versus the ones inflicted by others...because so many people and classmates are always telling me that I deserved it due to my meaness and antisocialness. When people say things like that I feel more guilt and misery. I think AS makes this even more confusing, especially if I have habits that I can never change. Will I always be at fault for not having to society's social etiquettes or will my AS always make me out to be something I have no natural control over? I may have to accept that it will always be my fault because it's THEIR society. Not mine.
02 May 2010, 7:19 am
