So much pain :(

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Nearly two weeks ago my gf left me. Everything was fine between us, we rarely even had disagreements and we were fine.Even the day she left she said she loves me and wants to be with me. Then she just packed and went, didn't even tell me if we were breaking up and just deleted me on facebook (though nowhere else) She had been a bit more down lately and not doing much, eating loads and then being upset cos she put on weight but not doing anything about it... but between us from what I could tell nothing changed. She said she misses her family but she could see them at any time. We were sorting it out. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me and she was going to go back to just coming over on weekends and it was fine and then over a badly worded text she decided that's it and wants nothing to do with me we were suppose to be getting married in August I tried talking to her but nothing worked, she just ignores texts, emails etc.
Finally, yesterday I spoke to her sister as we are friends and found out she needs some time and space to sort herself out but why wouldn't she just tell me that, it would of been fine Now I am so lost, sad and alone all the time. She is one of very few people who has ever managed to get really close to me and I always felt like I could talk to her and like I'd always known her. All the time we've been together my symptoms have been really mild, I can even go to a supermarket and be ok cos I'm with her and we're talking and it keeps me from all the crazynesss around me. Now she's gone they've all come back really bad and I'll have to go back to going nowhere and always being alone
The aspergers has never been a problem between us. She didn't really see the point in a diagnosis because she said it didn't matter, I'm just me and fine and things like that. Which was always nice but I wanted it to know for sure. Like I said the whole time we've been together my symptoms have been a lot less than normal and fairly easy for me to do something to calm and in some cases hardly there so I don't think that's the problem.
A mutual friend told me she's not particularly happy so it's not as if she's having a great time now she's gotten rid of me and is mostly sitting about at home online or watching dvds

I've said I'd give her the time and space she's asked for and that I'm always here, still love her... but it's so hard and breaking my heart everyday and on top I'm worried cos it's not like her and not like her to be so down

I had a partner pull the same thing... very good at hiding her feelings, probably even from herself. In part I think I probably didn't pick up some small signs, and in part she wasn't getting the NT 'nutrition' they seem to need, all that sociability and eye play that they find so reassuring and comforting. And she wasn't good at identifying her own needs to herself or at communicating.

So though we were together for several years, in the end we weren't a good match. We both had some growing to do, some self-discovery, and though she said we'd always be friends, we're not. I haven't heard from her in years...

So my advice is to let it go, as hard as it is. It sounds like your gf has just realized she doesn't know who she is, and it will take her some time to find that out. She's probably been subconsciously using you to give her some identity.

It's best to find your own strength, independent of others. Now you know you can do the store, etc. if you're sufficiently distracted, so find a distraction you control... iPods are good. Download some podcasts and go. Put on some sunglasses, make a list, go early in the morning or late at night when there aren't many people.

Cry your heart out, but don't quit. Whatever you do, however sh***y and pointless it feels, stubborn it out. I spent about a week in bed when my gf walked out, inconsolable. Then a stubborn, small voice inside said, "This will not do" and I entered therapy and reclaimed my life from that tragedy.

The ending of a closely bonded relationship is kind of the spiritual equivalent of being in an auto accident and losing a limb. You're going to be in shock for awhile, probably alternating between periods of excruciating pain and blank numbness. That's normal. Just don't spend too much time wishing for that relationship back, because the last thing you want is to let this person injure you like this over and over again. If she isn't sure of herself or what she wants or who she is, then she certainly can't offer anything very healthy to you. You both have individual journeys to continue and this is where your paths diverge. New adventures await.

Indulge yourself in whatever gives you comfort (as long as it's not self-harming), and take as much time as you need. The neurotypicals in your life will probably insist that you need to get out and socialize to get over it, but we know better than that. Some of us genuinely do just need to be alone for a while to recover from trauma. Just when you think the pain is never going to end, you'll wake up one day and realize you really don't care about that anymore, because you've become engaged in something else.

That is really bad. I can relate to you. I know how you feel, although mine was never as real.
You will get through it. Some day you will look back at this and you'll be at peace with it.

I'm more likely to be pessimistic over this kind of thing, so I apologize in advance.

I ALWAYS hated break-ups, and I ended up in a really long term relationship that, in the end, was NOT healthy and it took a lot to come to terms with that and end the relationship. But I guess it came back on me because I fell very hard for a girl after that only to have her dump me within just a few months. That was hard. We got back together not too terribly long after that, but then she got bored after my cash flow came to a halt. I toyed with her for a little while after that until I made up my mind there were more worthwhile things to do.

So what did I learn through all of this?

I learned that needing "space" has an infinite width. It's over. Done. And no physical or emotional manipulation is going to change that. Ever. Any time a girl (how come guys don't do this?) needs "space," there's trouble on the horizon. Get off that horse, turn around, and walk away. You say you were about to get married? Even better. If you think it's bad NOW, imagine what it would be like being married when she tells you she wants her space!

I don't MEAN to be pessimistic, but I've got more than my fair share of experience on this. I'm happily married with two children and things are GREAT. As long as my wife and I've been in the same town together, we've stuck like glue (I studied out-of-state for two years while we were dating, the long-distance thing really just didn't work, but things went back to normal when I came home). So yeah, I know all about the need for space, not just for her, but for me, too.

I'm a professional musician, so playing in a band is just part of what I do. We both have jobs that keep us apart during the day, and if I have a rehearsal one night a week that takes me away from her and the kids. It's not that I really need the space that bad, it's just a side benefit. She also has girl friends and relatives she enjoys spending time with, and I can't always be there. You'd like to think all you do in marriage is spend every waking moment together, and that's simply just not the case. So yeah, you get your space. Lots of it. Sometimes we don't even see each other before we crawl into bed. Sometimes that half hour in the morning is the last time we see each other until the next day.

Space.

The Final Frontier.

Don't waste your time over a girl who needs "space." There are much better and more worthy things to do!

Because they just sleep around...
or take the really gutless road and disappear with NO explanation.

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Last edited by DonkeyBuster on 05 May 2010, 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If I said I needed space, I would mean just that.

I am very sorry Autumnsteps.

I hope I can offer some support. This kind of thing can be difficult particularly sometimes for people with Asperger's.

If you would like some help then I hope to be able to provide some for you.

My thoughts are with you. You will get better.

I hope so. Such is a rare quality in a lady.

Sorry you're hurting! Life is so tough and unfair sometimes.

Thank you everyone. I don't know what to think or do :-/ just getting through each day still best I can which isn't that well. I don't eat well at the best of times but really don't feel like it at all and have to force myself Time goes so slow now and it always went so fast when we were together and I'm so alone and bored but can't make myself do anything. I feel like I really lost part of me. now I have no one I'm really close to or can especially trust or feel safe and myself with

though if I said I needed space, I agree with Spazzergasm, that's all I'd mean but I know not everyone's like that

I can relate to this post.

I skipped the replies as not to cloud my judgement, and analyzed your post thoroughly. This is the result of my analysis. The purpose of this post is more to establish clarity rather than provide words of support, and for that I apologize in advance.

=================

* She's an empathic person. This was a large part of why she was attracted to you, and why you were attracted to her.

* By using her as a shield from the outside world, you've been taking more energy from her than you've been giving back. She was your shield, but you weren't hers. This is why she's been gaining weight.

* You've become a merged unit and lost your sense of self. This is why it hurts you so much right now. She became ingrained as part of you, and now she's been ripped out. Chances are you will not make this mistake with another girl, and it will be for the better. Two people should remain themselves in the union, otherwise things start to rot and fester.

* She left you a while ago (in her mind), she just couldn't tell you outright because she cares about you and knows how sensitive you are. Dragging it like this was a mistake on her part. Common for empaths. In the future, when clouds part from your mind, you will recall little signs, little pauses and word slips in your conversations going as far back as 2 months, which were telling that she isn't really "with" you anymore.

* She wanted to reduce your "together time" to weekends, because the energy drain was destructive to her, so for a while she thought maybe she doesn't have to leave you to "fend on your own in this world" and yet she can find a compromise where she has energy left... but that never works.

* Her family observed her deteriorating state and wanted her to leave you for a long time, and she's been fighting their judgement for a while. During the last visit, she gave in.

* Chances are, if you beg to meet, she will allow it, and you may exploit your memories to change her mind back for a few days, and she'll say "No I can't leave you...", but the moment you part ways that day, she will regain her prior mindset and refuse to see you again. This embarassing pattern may continue a few times until she really cuts you off completely. This is also a lesson to her about breaking up.

* She's having a bad time right now, yes. However, and this will hurt for you to hear, in a couple of months you will hear "from a friend of a friend" of her going on a date with someone else. Initially she may dump them, and a few others that follow, because she won't be as ready to date as she'll think she is, and she will miss your unique empathy.

* However, eventually, she will realize that, as an empath herself, she cannot be a cheerleader for a person like you. She needs her own equivalent of a cheerleader in a relationship. Someone who will give her plenty of energy and a feeling of being protected. And she will find that person and move on.

* This experience was meant to be a shock to you, meant to re-ignite a drive for personal development and better understanding of human interaction. Though right now it hurts unimaginably, and the seemingly gray world is covered in cowwebs, IN THE FUTURE, you will THANK the fates that this has happened.