Advice?

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OK, this is my situation:

I'm 29. Still live with parents. Have never had a job. Have a degree in Computer Science. Don't really have any "real" friends apart from one person who I've only known over the Internet but with whom I talk to on a regular basis and have done for years. I've never had a real girlfriend.

A number of recent events (notably an addiction to prescription pain killers and meeting a girl on-line who I have become infatuated with but who's aim in life seems to be to confuse, frustrate and emotionally torment me) have brought things to a head. My anxiety is at an all time high (I spend a lot of the day with the same feeling of dread you get before you have to speak in public) and I get relatively frequent "pangs" of extreme depression. I also feel incredibly lonely a lot of the time.

I feel that I'm at a point in my life where it is sink or swim and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't know what to think (not that I can think, my mind is constantly racing and I cannot concentrate), what to feel, who to trust, how to behave, what to say etc. So I thought I would put this out there in the hope that somebody reading it might have something to say, whatever that may be. Maybe you've been in a similar situation? Maybe you're in a similar situation and want somebody to talk to? Maybe you're not in a similar situation but want to talk anyway?

If anybody would like my MSN (or Jabber if there are any fellow geeks reading this) ID then send me a message and I will give you it (I don't want to make it public).

Thanks.

1. Forget the girl. There are paths in life that are not for us or worth our time. There are a lot of people in the world and there's probably a girl out there who you can walk a happy path with.

2. Join a meetup group. Maybe one of the larger hiking ones. Activity is good for treating anxiety and depression and you have the option of socializing or just hiking.

Thanks for replying.

I've been trying very hard to do this but I don't seem to be able to. Nothing I can think of seems to help. My friend told me to cut off contact with her but I'm not sure whether that's the right thing to do or whether it would help me feel better, which is really what it comes down to. I have a hard time figuring out whether she is being nice or manipulative.


I'm trying to do more things like this. I have a great deal of social anxiety, though, which makes it very difficult. I am also pretty isolated and have a hard time getting around. I am looking into getting my driving license to try and rectify this.

Seriously, same as Chronos said. Forget the girl.

I was down the same slippery slope but actually saw it through to the end. And what happened when it all ended? The unanswered questions. We actually made a plan to meet up in person after a six month online relationship, but she never actually lifted a finger. With the help of a good friend I managed to secure a ticket to her state, get a hotel for the week, spent all of my own hard earned money and was treated to approximately 4 hours of time with her, mostly surrounded by her friends, family, or "ex-boyfriend." She blamed her college schedule. Her classes were more important! Are you kidding me?! Hell, one day she suggested we meet after she finished work, we had planned to spend some time alone, but turns out the boss let her off early and her parents were going next door to eat at some restaurant. Her brother ended up inviting me to eat with them!

Anyway I broke it off after that hellish week so quickly that I'm left with haunting unanswered questions. This was a really summarized version of that event, but I'm hoping you get the gist of it. Basically, I'd break it off with this girl slowly so that you can take the time to explore all of your feelings and leave no questions unanswered, because regret is a nasty business.

I don't really have any unanswered questions. I know she doesn't feel even 1% of what I do. It's just she says things which give the impression that she's very thoughtful, understanding, caring etc. and says stuff like she has a karmic view of friendships where she puts in what she wants to get out... and then I don't hear anything from her in a week. I'm sure you can derive my reaction.

Maybe I just have a warped view of things and expect too much/the wrong things from people.

Well when I was in that relationship I described to you, we both affirmed specific feelings. Has she done anything of the sort? Has she specifically stated that she's your/wants to be your girlfriend, or is it more of a friend deal?

No. I'm not even sure it's a friend deal anymore. I don't really know how to tell if somebody is a friend.

Well, here's how I see things.

1. Acquaintance: Someone who you rarely talk to, but get along with on a basic level. Most of the time your discussions are impersonal and generally pleasant. You don't feel comfortable confiding anything personal to such a person, but you are sometimes drawn to talk to them just because they're a familiar face.

2. Friend: Someone who you talk to on a regular basis, and often your conversations are more specific. If it's a face to face friendship, hanging out together is a possibility, doing activities together, and having more comfortable discussions about broader subjects. If it's an online deal, conversations can be deeper and less formal. Politics, current events, perhaps some skimming of inner feelings. You may feel comfortable confiding common problems or life events to such a person.

3. Close Friend: Someone who you're really comfortable with and would do special things for. For instance if said friend is down on his/her luck you'd offer extended assistance in some form that would set you personally back. (Like giving this friend money to help pay bills because you trust him/her.) On the subject of trust, you will confide in your close friend and tell this person secrets about yourself in an attempt to gain deeper understanding between the two of you. If it's an online buddy, he/she becomes a confidant and you two share very personal things with each other.

4. Girlfriend/Boyfriend: When it comes to an online relationship, mutual expressions of love and longing will generally be a sign of a deep relationship, ideas of getting together and seeing if you like each other face to face might surface, and so forth.

This is a very basic outline but maybe it helped you figure out what stage you're at with this girl?

Knowing what you're dealing with is the first step to figuring out a solution!

Thanks, that was extremely helpful. I am going to bookmark it for future reference!

I am extremely simplistic when it comes to friendship which I suppose is a problem when others aren't. I do not really do anything below "close friend". If I've known somebody a little while and I do not think they are going to become a close friend I will stop talking to them or generally making any effort with the "relationship". I am not interested in shallow relationships.

Even though I haven't known her long I confided a lot of personal things to her and I think it is safe to say she encouraged this. Part of me thinks she is manipulating me but I have some degree of paranoid tendencies (I have extremely low self-esteem) and, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm not very socially sophisticated and so I really need somebody objective to help me decipher all of this.

I guess I treat her on the level of "close friend" and, judging by the way she behaves with me, she treats me on the level of "acquaintance"?

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

So the question I'd like to pose now is: How have you been conversing with her?

You say you've confided a lot of feelings towards her and that she encourages such things, but have you made any attempt to have her return the favor? What I'm wondering is if the conversations were one-sided. I remember one particular friend whom I confided lots of things to, but she never took the same path I was on and eventually talking to her felt so awkward that I gave up. Other friends have become acquaintances that I rarely hear from, but because we both confided in each other contact was still possible. (Although admittedly surprising!)

Have you tried lowering your intensity down to her level so that both of you are even keel?

Not really. I don't like asking people personal questions in case I make them feel uncomfortable. I asked her about her split with her boyfriend but I started thinking I was being intrusive.


Yes, they probably were.


Not really. By the time I realised what I was doing it was "too late".

At the very least you can learn from this experience.

For starters, if you're feeling intrusive, go at a pace you can appreciate, the thing about typing is that you can really think about the response and reply factor so that you can minimize potential mistakes. Furthermore, why not be blunt? Just tell it like it is!

Let them know you're uncomfortable in social situations, that you have a few quirks, they might become more responsive and sympathetic to you.

Don't give up, you're dabbling your feet in the water, eventually you'll feel like swimming.

Like Chronos suggested, try finding a meet-up group, and if you're not ready for a face to face interaction yet, this forum is a good place to let loose! Read some topics and post a few thoughts?

Mingle, you might like it.

So should I forget about her or what? I would like to be friends with her. I like talking to other people, probably moreso to her because of the way I feel about her. The thing is I don't like how infrequently she obviously wants to talk to me which makes me think this isn't going anywhere (not romantically but in a meaningful friendship way) so I should just drop it and move on. Having said that I think we used to talk more frequently in the past so maybe it's how I've been behaving that has made her want to talk to me less?

I hope that things get better for you. I think that you're a great person.

I appreciate the sentiment but I don't think you know me well enough to say that. I find it hard enough just to be a good person.