Buncha little craps...relationship crud and more...vent

Post Reply New Topic

Am a wee tad leery of posting in the haven because every time i do, there is at least one responder who lieks to distort everything I say, and i don't feel like contending with it right now....but I do need to vent..

I am really burned out and still recovering from this weekend...we participated in the Art Car Parade....this thing that happens in Houston every year...I should post a more positive post where I talk about it...but it was a very overwhealming experience and I didn't get to spend very much time feeling excited about it...it was more a source of stress...just a wee break from the normal everyday stress of my everyday office job that drives me nuts because I am so slow and inefficient...and the nightly stress of running the venue....I wear noise cancelling headphones even for the quiet bands...and avoid looking at all the swirling lights around the stage...

I have this really raw sinky sort of feeling today...I went out with my business partner who brought up relationship stuff that sorta caused me to go into meltdown mode...I am evil because I can't be his "girlfriend" anymore....even though he is having a baby with his other girlfriend (please no gasps from people who don't know me very well...I have explained this stuff a long time ago)......I have chosen to be exclusive with my ASish friend while remaining Flakey's business partner...while the girl he is having a baby with tends to scream and yell at him all the time..and I am not on speaking terms with her because i had a meltdown after listening to her scream at him a bit too much...a long time ago...It is not very grownup of me...and I guess I could try, but most people are fairly used to me not speaking to them..and I still get her maternity stuff from time to time...

I feel badly for Flakey...I feel sad about our relationship...but I can't force myself to feel romantic towards him after all of the stuff we have been through...I did not like having to stretch myself thin between two partners and constantly be at odds between not being reciprocal enough towards one..or being too doting on the other....etc....I can't force myself to be romantic and happy and snuggly with him..I am constantly bogged down with worry and stress over our businesses...and my ASish partner is my little window of freedom..even though he is basically at my house all the time...he is one of very few friends I have and I don't want to lose him...
But I can't help but feel badly...about the stuff Flakey wants me to feel badly about....I can't be everything he wan ts me to be to him...but I try to do as well as I can at the things I can be for him...i.e. friend...business partner....
I have been feeling raw and emotional since we had lunch today,,,but I don't know what to do with these feelings......I think I am right to stand my ground...even though some of my feelings are so bad they make me wish that I didn't exist...
and I feel detached from everything around me at the moment...and I am stressed out about catching up with my office work....and our dismally horrible non-existant filing system
Yesterday I was an emotional basketcase....struggling desperately to clean up after we'd completely wrecked the place getting ready for the art car parade...in time for the afternoon show...while Flakey and his girlfriend were off visiting his family for Mother's Day.....and um,....well.....
I barely remember anything at all about yesterday.....oh yeah..our little Burman cat who loves to escape did escape and I rescued her from the lumberyard across the railroad tracks...that was a close call..right now I am pretty sure it is my cue to freak out and go looking for her...

On the day of the art car parade I was not feeling very engaged...We had this big improv puppet show and i spent most of the time playing my ukulele (which I could barely hear) out the back of our car, which is a giant box/puppet stage on the back of a flat bed truck that runs on bio diesel......I was pretty worn out and over-exposed and melty towards the end...and I threw a few tantrums here and there and eventually broke down to 5 year old mode because i just wanted to go home...( thought I'd overheard someone mimicking me whining from the other room after I went to bed).....

Dunnow...I guess I am justifiably raw and worn out...I just have this sort of soul-sick feeling that I wish I could process out of my system.....

I wish you had some quiet place you could go and have a little solitude. I've had brief times in my life where everything was chaotic and emotionally complicated. I couldn't survive what you do. When was the last time you had a real vacation? Do you know someone you could travel to visit where you could just sleep and read and veg out for a week?

Such a place does not exist, and there would be nobody to do my jobs....