I feel like a failure

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Hi.

I feel as though my life has totally taken an undesired turn, and I don't know what to do about it.
I feel as though my intelligence is not backed up with anything else at all... I am an okay musician with some good potential in that area but my work ethic is very weak... this is a huge problem - I don't want my work ethic to be this weak - the intent is to move and get things done, but I feel as though I can barely even move a muscle.
My external circumstances are pretty dire really... I mean there's no real life friends to talk to, I still live depedently on my parents, whose company I am seriously bored with these days...

Everything feels totally out of balance - I have no passion to work much at my music at all, obviously my creativity is suffering for this as well, I don't know what choices to make at all, and I have this nagging feeling in me that I'm just a pathetic failure.

I don't want to feel as though I need anything that sometimes crops up in my emotions... I don't want to feel, particularly at this time, that I need social relations, a relationship, or anything like that... I want to look inward, be in tune with myself, but when I'm depressed it's hard to want to meditate, be mindful, and things.

Most people would advise medication for me but I want to avoid medication - I don't want to take it.

There is an opportunity to have my first demo cd recorded soon but how am I meant to take initiative on these things when I feel so terrible all the time? Heck I barely ever even clean or re string my guitar, and my will to do anything is totally at a stand still... let alone a stressful recording session.

My siblings are now living elsewhere, I'm the only member of my family with Asperger's, I'm the only musician, I don't feel I can relate to anyone in my family except for one of my siblings who doesn't live here any more, and basically I'd sooner feel suicidal about the idea of work ethic than interested by it.

I need help.

Hello Samtoo. You say you don't want to feel the need for things other than to look inward. But you feel the need. Which is to be expected since humans are social beings. Even something introspective like making music is a form of communicating with other people. If you feel isolated and unconnected from people you don't really have any people you feel you're making the music for. Ys there is doing something for the joy of it but it can't bring you joy if you don't feel on some level of consciousness that it has an ultimate purpose besides what is going on in the present moment. That is what I am guessing. I relate to begin very isolated, I am also. I think a certain amount of contact with people (varying from person to person but a certain amount) s required to maintain basic health and well-being. TO not become depressed and have actual symptoms such as fatigue. Your brain is being given the message it has no goal to work for because people's brains measure things in terms of other people. That is what seems like could be happening.

Is there anything you could do to be around people atht you might actually be motivated to do, maybe something to do with the music itself? Like maybe performing it out somewhere or something? I know you say you haven't got it all worked out yet but I believe that the presence of other people as an audience will give you the immediate feedback (not criticism but just the fact of them being there able to hear whatever you have to say) that can provide motivation to work on stuff, either between performances or improvising on the spot if you like improvising or whatever. Could be by putting things on youtube etc. if you aren't already but seems like in-person might be more motivating (unless you have stage fright). That or a small friendly musicians' group. I know some people are hesitant to share things until they're already finished and perfect but I found that I accomplish a lot more if other people are involved in some capacity as the thing gets actually made.

Hi CloudLayer.

Well perhaps one of the problems is that I'm so tired most of the time... I have some rather bad late sleeping habits... I read up about cortisol and serotonin, which made me think otherwise than to keep going to sleep late in the night, and to try to sleep at an earlier time, and of course, it's good when one is up in the morning too, rather than sleeping through it; perhaps it's that I sometimes lack the fuel in me to get things done.

I am trying this new tactic "Set the time out in ten minute brackets, and to do something... just anything, even if it's playing one note, in ten minutes" this can be effective I find, because it tempts me to think "Well now I feel good because I could play one note, and if I learn six notes in ten minutes I'm steam rolling through" It's always good to have strategies that work. I mean I don't have to limit it to ten minutes if I don't want to... that's the thing of course, I can if I want, but it's also a good way to start the ball rolling... if I make mountains out of molehills, I would like to start everything as not even a mole hill, but as flat land... it would help me very much.

Yesterday I had some Reiki Healing and Emotional Freedom Techniques Healing... it's all very good.

External circumstances aren't particularly great... I also don't wish to look back at my past either - too much water under the bridge... it wasn't mentally a pleasant past particularly, and the present moment is just simply... this... right now... it's the next cup of tea I drink, it's the next time I read a Wrongplanet post... that is all there is, with the present moment, which is why it's such a peaceful place when one is in the present, and noticing that unpleasant thoughts are not the present moment, for instance.

I feel a bit better today, so didn't miss out on breakfast. I helped myself with an Emotional Freedom Technique, exercised somewhat, meditated a little bit then went for a walk/jog, and came back and did a bit of piano, and there's still plenty of the day left. I hope I have worked things out just a little bit now with the ten minute bracket "From one note to delving into a song, just do anything, and that's the purpose of this strategy"

Thank you for the thought out message. I might see if I can volunteer to work in a Charity shop too, which would be good on a few levels - the cause is obviously good, I would be helping people and be part of something, and I would have the chance to socialize too.

A musician's group might be good, once I can start to find these avenues a bit.

As for youtube, yes I suppose I could have a look into starting that avenue, help my work ethic with the ten minute bracket technique, meditation, earlier nights, exercise, and anything like that really.