Help - My dad doesn't believe in AS. Feeling invalidated.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm not feeling so great. I told my mother in confidence that I was going to be tested for AS, as something to help with my time at school and work (ie explaining why I just have to leave sometimes, sensory issues, why I may act a certain way, how I don't mean to be rude and my intentions are good, to be able to accommodate my surroundings so that I may reach my greatest potential as a human being, etc.) So, as you see, a diagnosis would help with explaining myself to other people, basically to help with misunderstandings when needed...to keep people from always thinking I'm up to something, or not listening, or not caring, or what have you.

Anyway, she brought it up with me when my father was in the room, which led to an extremely awkward situation where I had to explain to my dad why I'm seeking a diagnosis of AS... basically it went kind of like so....

Me: I get exhausted under the fluorescent lights in school. I have trouble with fluorescent lights.
Him: Well then, why are you always leaving the fluorescent light on in the kitchen, hmmmmmmm???

The whole confrontation was exhausting, and, basically, my dad does not believe that AS exists, and as a result, my mother will probably end up not believing in it either (she is extremely suggestible and listens too well for her own good, especially to my dad).

So, yeah guys, apparently this issue that has been affecting my ability to integrate into society for my entire life doesn't exist. Guess I actually am the same as everyone else. My logic follows as so: if I'm not "weird", or different somehow because of something that most people don't or didn't understand, why have I been BULLIED and TORTURED and HUMILIATED and BELITTLED and DERIDED and MOCKED my entire life?????!?!? Did I do something wrong??????


I'm so frustrated and sad and mad and drained. I have been sitting here for an hour now, basically perpetually flailing my arms about and rocking back and forth. Oh yeah, of course that's normal, everyone does that!

Well, I don't believe in your dad. He clearly doesn't exist, so let's ignore him and maybe he'll go away.

...see what I did there?

In all seriousness, I send you sympathy. My dad used to not believe in Asperger's Syndrome, but now he does since he had to raise me for a year and he finally saw how different I am from other people. If you live with your dad, I don't know how well this translates.

The big context issue might be that your dad might feels left out because you told your mom first.

How about a simple: 'Dad, I had to tell one of you guys first. And on this one I told mom first.'

I Wouldn't be surprised if it turns out you dad has AS.

Do you leave the fluorescent lights on?

And it's okay if you do!

Yah this situation sucks. I think it's pretty common, though. Part of the problem is that your dad probably never sees you in the situations where you have the biggest problems, and the archetype image of AS people get in media/popular culture is of "low functioning" "kids" My dad has a lot of AS characteristics, so he had a sense of my issues but my mom had a hard time with it-- "but you talked really early as a baby, you were affectionate, you arn't like those kids etc" The turning point was when she met/read about a number of other people on the spectrum and gradually put more of the pieces together. It can be really hard for parents to accept-- such is human nature unfortunately. Since you are in school, formal diagnosis will potentially get you accommodations you need so stick with it.

Hard to deal with self declared psychiatrists and people who think they know all about something which they don't. He also seems to lack respect for you, in the sense that he doesn't seriously listen to you, comes op with lousy comments or doesn't take you serious when you want to talk about something that is important to you (even if he doesn't really believe in it)

You have my sympathy too. My dad once said I use it as an excuse to fail in life and not feel bad about it (or whatever. Note that he doesn't even brushes his teeth, is unemployed, lives in a shack and never completed a study).

Therefore the not accepting and believing it can have other consequences. And trying to convince him may prove a waste of energy as most people don't want to admit they made a mistake, even though they know they did.

I know it is hard, but try not to not listen to what your dad says. No one knows more than you how you feel and what you have.

I have depression and no matter how many times I have told my dad that I have it, he still thinks that my anti depressant should make the whole thing go away.

Sadly your dad sound like mine of 40 years ago but at that time aspie was still an unknown and things parents did to try to help, didnt help at all because it was still a huge unknown of the 50s and 60s and even 70s. Tell your dad that a 59 year old aspie says he needs to listen or at least look at my posts and think and he just maybe may see his own as well as yours. Informations is power and a weapon particularly if one can discount oppositions excuses so they can't deny. I predict he will finally accept but be angry for a wide range of reasons, some may be valid but mostly if he will think your family may benefit. Flouuresencts cause me migrainse so though i have in home they are off mostly and under light filters so i get the light indirectly. When i had jobs under them i used any excuse to wear a visor or hat. Read or look far enough you may find others with soe of your difficulties in these forums. Most important for you at this point is to get father to admit AS and its effects as both something that is both learning and function issue. My main focus at this point is getting society to admit is both a learning and function disability. *gives you a huge Validation stamp in RED*

That's actually sad. You have my sympathies. Now, before I give the advice, I just want to explain that I'm in a similar situation. I was diagnosed with AS last Thursday (a week ago). I haven't talked to my fosterdad about the issue and my fostermum seems to think that Aspergers isn't a real thing. I'm sensitive to noise? She says that everyone hears loud noises and that I just hear the same as an NT, no greater more. (How would she know what I hear? She's not in my head!) I'm dreadful at socialising? She says I could make friends if I tried. (I have tried but I've always failed) I have obsessive interests? She says that everybody is obsessive about their interests. (Not to the same degee as I am) What I find most annoying is that my therapist told her I have AS yet she still doesn't 'get' what it means..

The main problem is that NT people are very uneducated about Aspergers. Some NTs don't want to accept its acceptance while others just don't understand what AS really means-they don't understand what Aspies go through. This isn't bigotry or intentional unpleasantness. Some NTs just find it hard to understand the concept, as obviously they don't have AS. If it was a more obvious, developmental problem (like downs syndrome, mental retardation), they'd find it easier to understand its existence but, as its more of a personality defect, Asperger people are not as easy to identify as being different from neurotypicals. Also, aspies tend to be more relaxed at home. If your dad saw you at places where you have the most difficulty (eg school) and with a large group of people your own age, he might see a difference between you and the NTs. He's uneducated.

You can try and give him some more information. If he's willing to learn about the disorder, great. If not, then there's nothing you can do to change his mind.

You can, ofc, try to get your mum to get a therapist so you can be screened but if your dad interferes, the best bet is to wait until you can get a therapist yourself. (They're expensive.) I know it might be a long wait but you can't change your father any more than he can change you.

If you are worried about the AS and your parents are uncooperative, speak to a trusted adult in school. They might be able to help.

Well... your mom broke her promise! This is not your fault.

Thank you so much for the replies, everyone. I feel much better after hearing from all of you. The situation is a little better now; I have a referral to a neuropsychologist, and will probably go in for a screening in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully once there is an official diagnosis on the table, my dad will open his eyes a little.