Understanding AS , special interests & computer needs

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Hi there,

My spouse likely has undiagnosed AS. His main "special interest " is computers. Ive heard that AS men need their own private time as well as time for special interests.
I wish to understand more of this dynamic as to me this appears like an obession, an addiction, more then what he calls it "his hobby".

What are the differances between an obessive need to always run to the computer upon home arrival & as AS need for "special interest" time?

Id like to know as this is one area that does interfer with our relationship, and if understanding it from my ( NT) end helps me see, then perhaps it will be benefical information going forward in our relationship.

I try & try , yet I feel I do not understand this need, please someone explain what it does for the person with AS to have this connection to tecnology & also what is an acceptable amt of time I should offer as a need, and not just a hobby?

Please try to break it down for me..for instance if we only have 1-2hrs per evening together or family time, how much time should be allowed for special interests & how much together time..
Most of his time used is to do more with programming, not so much you tube all the time, although sometimes for me it just seems so time wasting, it can be anything really, as long as he is touching a keyboarrd he seems happy. I can not always join him in his hobby...especially when he is a closet on third computer he created for his access when he wants alone time..

This is a regular discussion in our house...to me he appears like a drug addict needing a drug..if we are out all evening, then he believes that that is that for family/couple time, quota met..even if we were not necessarily "together" ..like maybe in the same room doing separate things..then when home... straight back to the computer as soon as we are home again,..and when I wake that is also where he is..

Help me understand please.

Thank you

Well, its kinda hard to explain . . . but your description of it being like an addiction isnt too far off. For a lot of us, the sensory information we take in can become addicting, so for him the total experience of sight, touch, sound (if any) along with problem solving gives him a sense of euphoria (im kinda like this myself, but its with anything that has my attention). There isnt much that can be done about it save finding something along the same lines to join him (ie involves the computer in some way). Admittedly, my father is the same way (times when my mother and I are sure he is in the spectrum) and the only way we got him out was to introduce him to something similar (the mention of Mario Kart Wii makes definitely gets his attention nowadays ). Dont take it as him not wanting to be with you, but he has become a creature of habit (which most in the spectrum are) and the computer is the target. All I can say is trial and error . . . find something that fulfills his special interest with family needs at the same time. He may also do this to cope with the day to day stuff in order to relieve his exhaustion from all the sensory and social information he's taken in.

Also look into the parents' (assuming you are/will be one day) and love/dating forums for other ideas. Here's hopin the best for you two .

Thanks so much..we are both parents, a blended family of 7, 5kids all 12 & under., I believe his two boys are strongly in the spectrum, along with most of his iimmediate family, some of them much worse then others..one is into history, and another astronomy..his mother is basically a shut in & after three years I have still not met her..

I suppose my fear is that this computer "need" will surpass all his other needs as I see they often do, at least all my needs, as I have them too, so I suppose im still not sure what to do here. Thanks for trying to explain .

Sadly, when it comes to the needs of others, we can often be blind, but that also implies that our partners have to be direct. Admittedly, Ive not been in a relationship for any extended period of time and can only give a son's perspective of your scenario. With respect to "adult needs," if its implying the more intimate nature of marriage, you may will have to be direct . . . innuendo or other subtle suggestion may be over his head. As for pulling him away from the computer for it, make sure he's "saved" his spot (ie his information has been backed up so he can return later) before doing something. Could also give a heads up by using the, "Honey, in X minutes, we/I'll need you for <activity>." You may even have to sit down with him and actually make a schedule for family/personal activities. If he is a creature of habit, this schedule could help, but it will take time . . . you may have to ease things in and insert other activities slowly in time (meaning, jot down what he currently does and how long, sit down with him, explain what you would like from him and when/how often).

Overall, sit down, have a chat with him . . . if he's in the spectrum, he'll likely want you to say exactly what you mean. Might even think about taking him to a psychologist and get an actual diagnosis so he can understand himself better as well (learning about our mentality has been a big help for a lot of us turning our lives around).

Thanks again, I appreciate your perspective on this & will do my best to do more to understand about AS. I just feel so unimportant at times, and I do know its not his intention..I wish he would run to me & care for me & have the same interest in our relationship as he does his computers. I am not being selfish., I just feel so far from his priorities at times I want to scream. I do speak to him often about this, we've been in council ling mostly over his computer time, but as I say, its only become recent this AS understanding, and yes a DX will have to be made, but he is so textbook, and it was his son 8yr old son that lead me to this determination ( for his son) years ago with his behavior..and then more recently understood there is no doubt that my partner has this too...didn't really occur to me to check out dad 3yrs ago, I suppose my focus was on the son who was always banging his head... So its still "new" and Im still trying to work thru it it my head...he is very intelligent , but usually fails to see my point & when he is upset by a topic, he often withdraws completely.

Im doing my best to understand & this forum is helping me so much .as I can see more from other AS perspectives. often when I ask him how he feels, he says I dont know, is defensive, or says nothing at all, and walks away.

I feel frustrated as he doesn't seem to see get why I feel the way I do. He often mutters about emotions ..all these emotions..and I feel as though it does overwhelm him..but last night I was not emotional, I was firm with his boundaries he had previously set regarding computer time. We agreed many times..that after the kids go to bed, its "our" time, as they only go to bed at 930-10pm so then we only really have 1hr to connect as a couple, and that is important to me to do so. But as he often seems to forget, there he was plugging away till after 11pm. It really frustrates me to repeat & remind & then do the same thing all over again the next week. Im doing the best I can to understand, but it isn't easy, and sometimes just a hard pill to swallow when you hear, his needs will always come first..
Thanks again.

This is what we're here for , im only sorry i dont have any real relationship advice for you seeing as how im lacking in that bit of experience. Merely stating as I have seen what others have said/done on the forum. I wish you luck, understanding, and good future . . . just keep the questions/observations and whatever else coming as we will help you two the best we can .

If I am out all evening, my need for alone/computer time becomes overwhelming! It's a refuge from the crazy, loud world and its sensory demands.

Why don't you discuss what each of you see as an "ideal" amount of time spent together and go from there, compromise? Just be prepared when his amount of ideal time is considerably less than what you would choose--it's not because he doesn't love you.

Thank you., it often does look like a need..I suppose a need I am still trying to understand, thanks

Thank you, it helps more then you know!

For myself, computers offer a safe, comprehensive, comprehensible and predictable realm without argument, whine, demands or even getting tired ... and I do not say that in criticism of my own or anybody else's wife or family. Computers simply offer a world I can navigate fearlessly and where I can explore and investigate without having to deal with things I am otherwise lousy at doing.

In my own case, however, I can and do occasionally set my "computer time" aside when there is something else actually meaningful for me to do ... and that can even include something as simple as just "spending time" with my wife even if we are really only doing "nothing worthwhile", as I see things. Intellectually, I know she wants and needs more from me than I am naturally or inherently inclined to give ... and that means the challenge for your husband is to at least begin to try understanding that and becoming willing to give to you even when it makes no real sense to him.

For your sake as well as for his own, I hope he will soon begin doing that.

Trying to enforce your time with him will only make him rebel and make it worse. People with AS don't like being pushed in to anything.

Also, you will resent him if you have an expectation that he "stick to it".

It's o.k. to ask him to do that, but take it as a pleasant surprise when you get his attention--don't take it as your due.

Your expectations here are going to get you into trouble. The paradox of being married to an aspie is that once you find other ways to get your own needs met, he is more likely to try to meet your needs.

The computer is a visual stimulus. Many autistic people are visual based thinkers. I can control the amount of information I see on my computer. I spend a couple of hours everyday on it. It is a relaxing stimulus. I feel control over my life when I am on my computer. It does not do random things.

I never understood why my ex-wives complained that I was on the computer and not paying attention to them. When I got off the computer they just sat there watching TV. They were happy sitting together watching TV because we were doing the same thing, but I was bored out of my mind. What was the difference if I was in the exact same place but not watching the TV?

The only advice I have is to do things together. If you want him to spend time with you, It needs to be something that keeps him engaged. If he is allowed to drift of into thought or grows bored, he will want to go back to the computer.

Yes this sounds familiar to the fight we have had over & over...why should he watch TV with me if he doesnt want to, he does clearly get bored..and often he can stay up for hours & hours on the computer without so much as asign, but then when he gets off to do other things..like watch tv or a movie, well he is often sleeping within a few minutes..I often say I bet if you had a keyboard in you hands you would be awake..its very annoying to me.
As I've said, it has only come to light this AS suggestion very recently, like 4months ago, but wow..the more i get info, the more I see..and I hope one day the more I understand.