One Meltdown Changes Everything

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Funny how just one meltdown can cost you so much. Just one slip of your shaky control over yourself can change your entire life, with no going back. And everything is different now.

Those you cared about once saw certain parts of who you are as simple quirks that they didn't understand and chose to live with. Suddenly in their eyes these parts of you become disgusting, repulsive, selfish and wholly and completely every bit who you are, and there is no getting past the larger-than-life ugliness that consumed you for just a few moments. Just a few moments and you have ruined yourself.

And even though you know there is something wrong with you, that you almost couldn't help it, that it seemed no amount of inner strength would stop the overpowering anxiety and fear and frustration that creates this ugliness...you are overcome by guilt and shame and embarrassment and regret, knowing that you should have been stronger, you should have been more in-control, you could have controlled it but you were too weak. That there are no excuses. None but the fact that you really are that ugly inside.

And everything is changed. Gone. No going back.



Does this sound familiar to anyone? Or am I just too screwed up to be compared to?

Sigh.

Meltdowns feel awful but they are not the sum of who you are. Things can feel really difficult after one. I hope you feel better soon.

I hope that you soon feel better, as well.

Sounds familiar to me, for sure.

It feels worse in the aftermath than it will prove to be in the longer term though. Chin up.

Yeah, it happens.

It happened days ago. The taunting won't stop. The disgust and hate and disappointment won't stop. Everything that I could possibly say for myself and have tried to say for myself sounds pathetic, sounds like I'm trying to escape taking responsibility. Which I'm not. Their constant stream of attacks is crushing me. As if I don't hate myself enough already. I can't run, but I can't fight. The only option is to what? be buried under their aggressive repulsion? Why are people so hateful? Why am I so ugly, forcing them to be hateful and disgusted? giving them no choice? Why am I so wrong? Why won't they stop?

just make it stop...

When I have a meltdown someplace, I can't bring myself to go back there again. (Which means, among other things, that I no longer eat on campus.) It is embarassing, humiliating, and only the closest of friends or the most open-minded of people make it easy to overcome the aftermath.

A meltdown in the wrong place or at the wrong time can get you sent to jail or to a hospital for a few days of mandatory observation. A meltdown in the wrong place or among the wrong people can get you shot or otherwise brutalized, possibly killed. A meltdown can cost a job, a promotion, or even an entire career. A meltdown can cause one to get banned from a classroom, a pub, a special interest club.

Meltdowns can be highly costly in terms of money, freedom, friendship.

Sadly, meltdowns can not be controlled. As I get older, I learn bit by bit how to see the signs of one coming on and get out of the situation if at all possible. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Just walking away from things with no explanation can be costly, too, but a lot less embarassing. Then there are the times when someone clueless tries to follow and won't take no for an answer, no matter how emphatically and clearly it is expressed that one is about to explode and needs to get away right now and it is dangerous for anyone to follow and one will be back to work through the issue when one is less agitated. Some people just don't care and follow anyway. I don't understand it unless it's sheer morbid curiosity.

But . . . most meltdowns are not so tragic and most meltdowns are recoverable. But I tend to lay low and "lick my wounds" for a while anyway. Because I am so embarassed and ashamed after I meltdown in front of others.

It feels almost like being drugged - looking back, you can see how irrational it was, but at the time it makes perfect sense.

Even I admit, it is off-putting to witness. But even NTs do stupid things on occasion, or so I am told. Relationships are always give and take.

I was just diagnosed with Asperger's, so I totally understand what it's like to feel like you're broken, irrepairable, like there's something wrong with you that can't ever be fixed (not to say that I just started to feel that way-my depression started a few years ago). I don't know if it helps and I'm sure you don't want any pity, but my heart goes out to you. People are so darn stupid and misunderstanding and idiotic, moronic, and down right cruel. I think/hope that one day we'll be accepted. I get so angry when I hear about how hurtful people are just because they're just so ignorant. Until things get better (which I'm sure it will after what feels like FOREVER), I really hope you don't feel too guilty. I don't know if you want any suggestions, but try going for a long, easy run with your iPod blasting uplifting music or dance your heart out for half an hour. Maybe letting go even for a really short time will help.
Alliygator

Whilst some things can probably never go back to how they were [depending on a lot of variables], those around you should attempt to understand why you behaved how you did; I like to say that it's how people are the majority of the time that really should define them, not a single second of losing control. This is what friends and family should try to see....

Granted, some things can't be forgiven, but I'm sure that's not the case here (they usually equate to felonies).

Its a wierd paradox to say the least when people ask your co worker"boy he can fix anything under the sun but why does he go off the deep end like that?" and at the time not having an explanation-now I know why but to get people to understand is another thing-even my co-worker told another coworker after one of my meltdowns when he answered the phone "babysitting central" and the other distant co-worker put him in his place because he understands I have no control over it-he knows it is part of me.

Ah... The Meltdown... Where everything changes.

I also like to think of them as 'extinction level events'. What was before, is not after.

I think I've had 3 or 4 major meltdowns and a handful of minor ones. people who were my friends before one, were never friends after. I'm not counting my 'internet meltdowns', but they aren't real meltdowns anyway, they're virtual.

I can feel mine build for weeks or months before hand. I can even recognize what is happening, but I am completely powerless to stop them.

It's the intensity of emotion, both positive and negative, that drives them. The confusion and inability to express those emotions cause them to grow and become overwhelming.

It takes me years to recover from a major meltdown. After the last one, I kind of said to myself "No more. I can't do this again." The last one nearly killed me. Really. And ever since, I've found it nearly impossible to even connect with others for the fear that the next one will be comparable or worse.

I have lost because of my meltdowns. So much gone. Sad now.