Advice needed for Aspie who wants to be independent

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Hello,
my name is Dalton and I have Aspergers. Before I share any details let me tell you about my situation.

I currently take Abilify and Lexapro for my "mood" meds. I think that's all I need to share about that aspect. It makes me crave food and I have been gaining weight since I first took it in 5th grade. I now weigh 240 pounds at a height of 6' 2", so I don't know if I should switch to a different medication or not? I hate being so out of shape.

Anyway I live in a group home and it's so far been a nightmare. I was denied any internet access until March of this year (I was in the system since September of 2009... That's a long time for me.) and the night staff (He goes by Lars Rivera) is a sadistic egotistical asshat who obviously is in it for the pay and not for the passion of working with disabled people.

It's not exactly the group home that I'm even angry at, but it's my parents for giving the county (Clackamas County of Oregon) a very bad impression of me, making them think I am severely disabled with no hope to be independent in the near future. That's what landed me here and to this day they still do that. I feel there is no way my voice can be heard. To make matters worse, I recently turned 18 and they managed to make themselves my guardian. I made the mistake of signing a form that granted them the right to be my guardians because if I didn't it would be hard to prove against them with their lawyer.

I really find it frustrating when my parents have the "first say" at everything. I do get my voice heard, but they only listen to my parents because they happen to still be my guardian and "mother's always right" apparently.

Right now I have internet but I only have 4 hours a day. It may seem like a lot for the average person, but I have to add that computers are my life and without the internet I have no resources and no place to go to for help, such as posting here.

Any suggestions?

-Dalton
P.S. I know that I posted a couple threads like this in the past, but I wasn't really as detailed as I was in this one, and that was a couple months ago...

Dalton, why are you in a state run home instead of living with your family?

If you communicate half as well verbally as you do through the keyboard, I can't imagine how anyone could be convinced that you're too low functioning to care for yourself. I don't know know why you feel you need the meds, but since there's nothing that's currently considered effective for treating AS, they're probably not going to help you much, and may actually make it more difficult for you to function adequately on your own (unless you're having severe problems with depression or anger management) - they will certainly make it difficult for you to maintain an exercise program sufficient to drop weight and keep it off. Regular meetings with a good counselor and a good exercise routine would probably do your state of mind as much good as the meds.

I don't know if anyone here can really know enough about your situation to be able to troubleshoot for you long distance. I'm a bit disturbed by the fact that you're being treated as though you're incapable of making decisions for yourself. Even if you make a few missteps, one only learns these things by trial and error - if you're not allowed to try, how can you learn? And you're at the age where it's time to start learning those things that make a person capable and self-sufficient.

Are you interested in looking for a job? Nothing makes one feel more confident and independent than being able to provide at least some of one's own support. Keep pushing for your independence, you deserve a chance to go it alone if that's what you want. I can't imagine someone with AS being stuck in a communal living facility, that kind of lack of privacy and proximity to other people would drive me nuts. Good luck!

I live in a group home because of many incidents with my family, who instantly become "threatened" when I'm angry, even though I'm very calm and non violent when I'm angry. They called the police many times when I'd do something as simple as not going to bed. Then they tried to pin it on my large size, which the officers believe is a threat. The breaking point was when I locked myself in their room and became slightly suicidal.

I take meds because I have depression, so unfortunately I probably have to take them. The reason why I posted them was because maybe there's a better alternative?
I am actively looking for a job and I may at least get a part time job this summer at my internship. Still looking for a full time.

Thank you very much for your support.

Edit: I don't want to sound sue-happy, but is there any way to legally take action against my parents for something like, say, defamation, or something like that? I don't have much knowledge of the law, but maybe someone can find something?

If internet is your life, maybe you could show it could be used for profit career. Nothing says "abled member of society" like earning stable income. I'm really not being sarcastic or mocking, I really mean it. If you like spending time on computers "AS special interest" then that is probably where you should look to start showing that you are stable. Besides, most of us can attest to the fact that webchat/internet medium eases a great deal of the social issues many of us struggle with.
So yeah, maybe take and IT/programming course. Join a tech help group, or something (watch out for what kind of tech help nit is thought hahha, some of it is more people skills than anything.)

Not that I'm a professional, or anything.

It's funny you mention that because my internship is actually at a computer repair place. I may get a part time job there, but it's unknown if I could get it full time. I do need to get my A+ certification but I really want to get into the IT Field.

As I understand it, you want to come off anti-depressants slowly (I am not a doctor). A pretty good alternative might be exercise. Also maybe a weekly support group / combo political activism, you're seeing a lot of the same people ever week, you're building something together, mistakes along the way are just texture that you just learn from, and are not necessarily mistakes in the longer view.

You want to have a doctor you can at least halfway talk to about the medications.

If you can get a lawyer who donates some pro bono time and who you can halfway talk with (I say this because a lot of it is on the side of the professional, yeah, they tend to be "be righters" and jump to conclusions and justify their conclusions)

As a human being, you are allowed to get angry. Of course you are, whether Aspie, 'Normal,' Different in Different Ways (My New Political Slogan!), it is okay for you to get angry.

As far as suing your parents and being successful at it, the reality is probably not. I think it was Florida attorney Reuben Ellis who said much of the general public will justify and excuse all kinds of pretty horrendous physical abuse, it's only at sexual abuse that a large percentage of the public will draw the line. Now, as far as finding individual people, like here on WrongPlanet, who are able to see through tricky, unfair, dishonest defamation, yes, you can find that. If you just present it in a straightforward way as you have done, you can find voices of sanity. But as far as getting a substantial majority who are then able to carry the rest of the jury, probably not. And that's just the fact of the matter. And it would be better if the lawyer just came out and told you that. But he or she is likely to half justify (!) (!) what happened. yeah really, it's incredible once you think about it, but that is often the way it plays out. But all that said, you might be able to find a good lawyer, who can at least better secure your rights from here on out. Take it in medium steps. By that I mean, disclose a medium amount, see how the lawyer responds, see how you feel about it both then and in the days to come.

Here is wishing you all the best!

Okay, some first-rate jackass in a position of authority. Yeah, I'm well familiar with that.

You need to play a very deliberative game, almost as if you're in prison. I'm sorry it's that way but it is. If you have something like a case worker, meet with him or her

'Been some issues, some of it of my own making, some of it also because I've been negatively labelled. I'd like to make a fresh start.'

'All the same, I'd like to make a fresh start.'

See how that's a general statement, anything the person come back with you can go with that?

What I'm learned from about 20 years of political activism, first against military aid to the military government of El Salvador (remnant of the Cold War), then against the first Gulf War in 1990-'91, is to slightly understate your case, as much as anything else, that is the keys to the kingdom.

Your approach to your case worker is mainly focused on moving forward, you are acknowledging that you are human, and the possibility that you made some mistakes, but mainly focusing on moving forward. And that is awfully hard to argue with. Still, if this was in the context of a one-on-one conversation with nightshift jackass, he's liable to twisty-turny and pull some kind of oneupsmanship, so don't have a one-on-one conversation with him. Your case worker, and then probably in terms of a group meeting.


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At the same time, and I expect this to be controversial, one thing you might be able to do very constructively and feel good about is to prevent bullying of one resident by another. As a larger individual, you might be able to pull this off. Now, there's no guarantee, there's no perfect way to do this. At a certain point, you might have to push someone against a wall. underfight, kind of like you understate a case (of course you can't do anything physical with a staff member, even if a staff member hits you, all you can do is block the blows, you cannot hit back, unfair, stupid, but that's the way it is, at least afterwards when you report it, you're have the bruises and there might be enough moral clarity that there's a 70% the institution will do something, maybe not even that, these institutions can be real lousy) And the zen of it is, if you're prepared to do this (and tight defensive boxing, you'd almost prefer a draw because you're not trying to humiliate someone), prepared to do this, there's a reasonable chance you won't have.

'We all have our rights'

'Living here together, we all have the same and equal rights'

So, you're not choosing to live here, but might as well make the best of it. You can be a positive leader

(Now, you cannot do this out of a sense of obligation. That's dry as dust. You can only do this out of a sense of possibility, hey , I might really be able to pull this off, hey, I might really be able to make a difference. Take it a series of medium steps, and trust yourself regarding the feel and texture of each step)


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The other thing I might recommend is to keep an “optimistic,” understated diary. ‘I wish he would not have. I wish he would have instead ______________’ And you keep the diary discretely, but not privately. And no catastrophe if it gets found.

Here on the web, you say whatever you need to say and speak freely.

But a pen and paper diary, even a rather 'guarded' pen and paper diary, gives you one more outlet.

If I were you I would meet with your case worker and tell them you feel that you would like to go to school online possibly something in computers, get at least a part time job, and lose some weight.

1. Find a doctor to help you find a medicine that won't make you eat
2. Bring up that you would like to set up goals towards increasing your independence such as shopping for your own food,
preparing your own meals
3 Do NOT sue your parents that will cause a mess and most likely get you nowhere
4 Discuss learning life skills for independent living....and bide your time
5 Discuss setting up an exercise plan and nutrition/meal planning perhaps discuss learning to cook
and trips to the grocery store
6 Get a lawyer and have their guardianship revoked and start saving money
and not in a bank either because if they are your guardians it's their money
somewhere safe where people won't steal it either. When my mother was my
guardian she took over 3000 dollars from me and there was nothing I could do about it.
7 Ask your parents for an allowance so that you can learn to manage money and make choices about clothes, food,
and other such things. Oh and if they are your guardians why not make it unpleasant for them and go to
school on their nickel online. Your parents will look really bad if they oppose this...you'll need to apply for financial aide
and take the necessary exams. And if they suggest your too low functioning for school point out that everyone deserves
a chance and if they suggest that it might be too stressful tell them you are seeing a counselor to help you manage it.
8 get a psychologist to administer an IQ test high IQ does not equal low functioning and get the lawyer to find some
shrink to administer a functional ability test(it's called something similar) so that you can "achieve your full potential"
9 join some sort of group such as a church, club, or whatever and be as pleasant as is humanely possible

Aside from that you have to bide your time and be really calm and calculating b/c that is the only way out. As for the jerk do nothing in terms of dealing with him. Oh and take special care of how you dress and buy yourself nice clothes nothing says functional like a nicely dressed, polite eager student, with a job.

Good luck, with your goals.

If you could line up classes, even at community college this Fall and do well, it would be harder politically and strategically for people to pin a negative label on you.

And with an at best awkward home situation, at worse a hostile situation, one thing you are missing is the ability to do something as simple as unwinding and recharging in front of the TV, or any other kind of downtime. Community college can provide this! They usually have TV areas, as well as a gym, a student newspaper if you care to write, a student drama club, etc, etc. Now, I'd recommend that you take at least two courses, maybe one technical and one social studies/English, but I think all this is yours for as little as one class.

Hi there. My son takes Abilify..or has taken it. It was pretty successful for the irritability and anger (where the anger was feeling overwhelming) BUT he also gained some weight and I heard that it can raise cholesterol. We had his blood tested and his cholesterol was really high. It can be dangerous to have it that high and he's only 13. So we've had him going off of it, but it is taking a long time because he is very sensitive to the chemical change. If we try to go off too fast - his anger is like snapping your fingers. It's not that whatever he's mad at isn't understandable - just that the anger can be extreme. So that is just a warning in case you have any upcoming check ups, you might want them to look at your cholesterol. And if you ever did go off of any medication, make sure it's slowly...

Other than that, I think the previous posts gave a lot of good advice. Keep your chin up and stay positive!
Em