I don't understand what just happened? Reply ASAP

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I'm having a very bad day where it seems to last forever and I'm panicing about everything in my life, and just don't have any energy or want to talk, however my mom asked me to take out the garbage which is a huge pain for me so and It start to set off an anxiety attack so I looked at the garbage and then I looked back at my mom and in a calm no emotions voice I simply said " I can't do it today mom, I'm sorry ". Now my mom was doing ok today she was a little stressed because of my sister because she is sick, any how when I said that line previously stated in quotes she flipped out started to yell at me and naturally this made me more anxious so I layed down in my bed ( it helps calm me down ), well I guess that made her more angry so she started yelling at me and calling me lazy and other stuff, went in to her room and cried. I don't understand what just happened, I can not see any reason why she would cry or be so upset because I didn't do a chore, I tried to calmly reason with her, but I was interrupted by her and told not to say a word and that next weeks alouence is now gone for me. I see no reason to take and alouence away from me or to yell, why did she do what she did?

Hi friend.

I'm a mum. I'll let you in on what's going on.

Mum is stressed. She is looking after your sister, who is ill. She has her own needs to attend to. She may be feeling a little ill or "under the weather" herself. On top of all this, she asks for one little chore from you. Notwithstanding your calm explanation "I can't do it mom, I'm sorry" and even your genuine fragile condition - she is probably thinking "For #$% sake, all I want is the god damn garbage taken out and my son is acting like he wants to fly me to the moon and back. I'm so f-ing tired, I have one sick kid and an Aspie son who can't do a damned simple chore or offer any effort whatsoever"

She yelled because she is tired and she's angry.

She took away your allowance because she feels that an allowance from her is EARNED. She has to do all the work (even take out the trash) so she doesn't feel that you EARNED an allowance.

I have a lot of empathy for her. I would have reacted exactly the same way.


Take some deep breaths, meditate or do whatever it is that calms you down - within the next couple of hours, offer to take the garbage out WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Also try cleaning the bathroom (and do a good job) or sweep or vacuum or some other way of helping out to give your mum a well-deserved break. After you have done some chores that will help your mum out - apologize like this: "Mum, I am sorry that you were upset when I didn't take out the trash. I know that you are stressed and tired and you only needed a little help. I really was ready to melt down and honestly couldn't help right then and there. I wanted to make up to you by doing some chores so that you can have a rest. I hope that you will forgive me and know that I love you and want to be a supportive member of this family."

That will make your mum feel a lot better about the situation (offering an apology AND making a actual effort to make amends).

I agree with everything CanadianRose said.

I also wanted to say that I have a hard time taking the garbage out because it requires leaving the house. Leaving the house is difficult for me and requires a lot of preparation beforehand - sometimes hours of "psyching myself up." It doesn't help that sometimes when I leave the house to take out the trash, get the mail, or get something from the car I end up waylaid by someone outside who wants something from me, even if it's just conversation. So I have to prepare myself to socialize with others and possibly face confusing and critical situations (like when a census person tried to get me to answer her questionnaire out in the street when I was sick and just going out the to car for some toilet paper and not able to talk to anyone, let alone a government bureaucrat!)

So I can fully understand why someone wouldn't be up to taking the trash out, even though it might seem like a simple task.

And I can fully understand why your (NomadicAssassin's) mom was so upset and will be taking your allowance away.

It's a no-win situation, but everyone has to learn compromise. Sometimes you just gotta take the garbage out, no matter how hard it is to leave the house. I know I often slink out with it, praying the whole time that I will be invisible to the rest of the world while I'm out there.

You said you were a mom, then could you awnser a quick question, I cause more problems in my house than I do favors, my parents are bending over backwards for me, my teachers and school are also bending over backwards for me, personally I do not see myself ever getting out on my own so I'll probably live my parents for my life, logically I'm a burden to everyone why do they care for me so, when I myself do nothing for them in return? I wish I did more for them I wish I was easy to raise but I can not alter what is, nor do I think I can alter what will be, so why is it they care for me. No I'm not suicidle, I just want to know what I should do.

I can't get in my school to take any class I can't drive, I can't even take care of my self I'm only takig showers and putting clean close on because my mom reminds me too. I feel alone and cold, I'm told more times than I can say that I am loved very much, and that I make them proud, but i do not feel loved, I'm very smart I simply can't apply myself, so I try to put my mind to good use and learn as much as I can on my own, but there only so much i can learn. My point being with saying this second paragraph is I know many things, but what I lack is the feeling of them all, I don't know what to do with all of these emotions and feelings?

I relize that I have just asked you to awnser alot but If you could a reply would be nice

Your mum loves you because you are her son.

When she decided she wanted to have a baby, she decided that she would love her baby for ever and it doesn't matter if you are wonderkid who is sensitive, smart, talented and the envy of everyone or you are a vegetative lump or anything in between.

We love our kids. We want them to be as happy as possible in whatever circumstance they are in.

Even if you never take out the trash, never hold a job, never have a romantic relationship or never are able to hold a back and forth conversation - you will always be your mother's son - she will always love you and want to do what is best for you.

Heck, I'm also a cat owner - when I adopted my cat he was flea bitten, had an ear infection and he smelled bad. I have to clean his litter tray, feed him, and cuddle him (only when he wants it). He sheds, he shreds my furniture, he pukes up hairballs and he rings up high vet bills. He doesn't offer anything - he doesn't even catch mice. He gets his dirty paws on my clean sheets and yowls if he doesn't get his way.

I still love him, he is my cat. I have had the miserable feline for over 12 years and I will keep him and love the furry critter until he passes away.

How much more will I love my son. He has autism. He still uses diapers. He bites and scratches. He makes a mess. He's my son. I will always love him and do what's best for him.

It's just the way it is. We love our kids.

Notwithstanding our love of our kids - it really, really makes us happy when our kids do things out of love for us. An "I love you mum" goes a long way. We love our kids anyways, regardless, but it just makes us feel so much better when some love and affection gets returned to us.

I have no idea whether this in anyway answers your question, but it it what I think of the love between parents and children (and middle agesd women and their cats )

Once again I'm confused, I tried to appoligize for my behavior, and how lately I have been struggling to feel emtions recently, when my mom stopped me and asked are you apoligizing because you mean it or because that's the correct thing to do, now I don't like to lie so I said because that's what you do after a fight she then procceded to her room while saying " I don't feel comfortable with you ---" that's all I got, a few minutes past and we were downstairs when I ask what did you mean when you said I don't feel comfortable with you, she procceded to say that she was rather worried that I did not feel emotions ( which of late I have started to stop faking all my socalizing proper edict like laughing when others laugh, and I also am starting to not feel nor show emotion ), I must say I do not understand why my mom is so worried this is nothing new or atleast that's what I thought, she's worried I will harm me or someone in my family. Why dose she think this I'm totally lost as to her logic, I beleive that she is a bit scared she had a look of disoriented worry on her face when we were talking.

NT people get very worried at lack of emotional expression. They percieve it as "wrong" and it worries them. It can easily seem dangerous to them because it is so strange and different from how they are.

My mother was extremely worried about me because I didn't cry when my daughter died. It was three days before I cried and by then everyone had come by and visited and we'd had the funeral and then everyone went away and left me alone and finally I had the space to start the grieving process. Before that, I was just trying to decide who to tell about the funeral and what food I should serve them afterwards and those sorts of organizing things. Apparently, an NT person would have cried often during those three days but I was too busy with organizing the social norms to experience my feelings yet. But this really bothered a lot of people around me who don't understand autism.

Your mother doesn't understand your alexithymia (lack of emotions) and so her mind tells her to follow her instinct, which is to be afraid of people who don't share emotions with others. Maybe you should try to have more conversations with your mother about emotions and about whether you would want to hurt people or not. It might also help to have some family counseling with a therapist who understands autism and can help you and your mother communicate better about this issue and help your mother understand better what it means for you to not have emotional reactions and come to accept it and not be afraid or uncomfortable around you any more.

alexithymia that's the first time I have heard that word, how do I collaberate with others without scaring them then, I would rather not scare anybody else for my moms sake I could care less about worrying others but if it will please my mom then how do I understand these emotions?

I don't really have an answer. Most people who want to mesh better with others learn to fake the emotions but as you pointed out, that can get really exhausting.

Yeah I didn't expect an anwser, I have tried to fake emotions and laugh when other laugh so that I'm playing my part, but I recently told myself that I can't keep copying people it was driving me nuts, it's really frigg'in exhausting! I have a question has anybody written a guide to "not caring you fit in", I tried searching forums but couldn't find anything?