Death of a sibling- how do/did you deal??

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Hi there,
Im wondering how death , immediate family death; will affect those with AS. Please ahare your stories and any advice you may have. Thank you.

As with everybody, we can react in a lot of different ways. I can need hugs when I'm distressed but if I'm overstimulated and distressed I need to be left alone.

I'd say, look at the person as themselves. They may need space or they may need to talk or some other things that I can't think of. Also, perhaps to realise that no expression doesn't mean no emotion and they may be more easily overstimulated.

As with everybody, we can react in a lot of different ways to grief. I can need hugs when I'm distressed but if I'm overstimulated and distressed I need to be left alone.

I'd say, look at the person as themselves. They may need space or they may need to talk or some other things that I can't think of. Also, perhaps to realise that no expression doesn't mean no emotion and they may be more easily overstimulated.

Thanks so much !

Your welcome.

I don't have any siblings, but have lost 3 family members very close to me and I'm grieving over their deaths. I never dealt with death of a loved one ever till almost 2 years ago when my grandfather died. I'm still grieving over his death and his 89th birthday is next month. Fathers Day is sad too especially for me because I used to give my grandfather cards and gifts. Also just a month ago my aunt lost her beloved dog. Even though she wasn't my dog, I have known Emily since she was a puppy. She was nearly 14. I cry, I grieve, I get so depressed that I can't sleep or eat.

I hope that my sister doesn't die, any time, soon. I'd be a basket case, if that was to happen. I'd be in the hospital, for a while, that's for certain.

Two of my older sisters passed away last year. It's really weird to think that they are really gone, that their phone is disconnected, somebody else is living else is living in their house, and so on. Sometimes I go to call them, then I remember that they're not there.
I guess every individual grieves in their own way.

My father died when I was 16. I didn't know how to ask for help or even a hug; everyone took my silence as an indication that I was OK.

I cried myself to sleep every night for 2 years. I couldn't say the word 'father' in reference to him until I was 33.

I simply didn't know how to ask people to give me the affection and comfort I desperately needed. Even now, I've never grieved anywhere but in seclusion. I wanted someone to hold me and let me cry, but it never happened.

Instead of asking 'are you OK?' try saying "I think you're not OK, are you?' which opens up a different conversation. My Autism script means that as soon as someone says 'How are you?' I respond 'Fine', which (for me) closes the conversation, and I can't go back and say 'actually, I'm not fine.' It's even worse because people usually ask this question in public, and you can never admit any problem in that situation.

It takes me a little while to get used to being hugged, so I often stiffen involuntarily, which makes people withdraw, and that makes things even worse. Possibly a graded approach - touching hands, an arm around the shoulders - might make it easier.

Above all, I think making space in a non-public context to just sit, maybe asking questions that acknowledge that the distress is there, not questions that mandate a 'fine' response, asking someone if they want physical comfort (and asking again, on different occasions, as anxiety prompts refusal of something that the person may actually want and need). NTs seem to percieve Auties as not wanting or disliking contact; this may be true for some, but for many it's simply so unfamiliar a sensation that it causes an initial panic that will settle if we're given time and consideration.

Also anxiety levels max out in bereavement, which can exacerbate lots of autistic traits, on top of the usual grief reaction of exhaustion, poor concentration, not eating etc.

So much death - both sets of my grandparents, my parents, my husband's parents, my oldest sister, my husband's only sibling, my nephew, my husband' nephew, uncles, aunts ... the deaths continue as I age.

I loved my maternal grandmother with all my heart but refused to go to her funeral. I refused to sit with the family at my mother's funeral, I sat with the public. I didn't go to my sister's funeral because I was half way around the world and no one told me she had died.

Grief manifests itself in many ways. Each death affected me differently. Crying is hard for me to do. I get tears and they drip down my face and I feel horrible but I was unable to cry with abandon until my oldest sister passed away. Then I had to be taken to the emergency room to get a med to stop crying. The passing of time is the only thing that has helped me but some memories still haunt me.