Constantly on edge

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Warning: Rant ahead (It may be confusing)

Recently, a problem that keeps coming up at home came up AGAIN. Last summer before my first semester of college my parents (2 moms) got into this fight b/c my stepmom had a problem w/ either myself or my brother (forget why), my mom tried to defend one of us & get her to let us explain (she didn't even give us the chance to speak, let alone apologize) & they technically "broke up" and got back together within like 1-3 days a week or so b4 I went off to college... and the mild repeat as of yesterday is why college is now my haven/home & "home" is my version of hell. If my parents continue with this I'm gonna lose it b/c last time b/c they broke up for about 1-2 days I nearly lost my stepsister (if they split she goes w/ her mom & me + my brother stay w/ our mom)... I can't risk ever saying/doing anything wrong at home (joke, be too stiff, not make eye contact, not say hello, being too noisy, being "rude & disrespectful", "lazy", etc.). My parents are opposites, my mom encourages emotional expression & my stepmom condemns it... I'm walking on my toes & trying not to make noise whenever my stepmom is home. On top of this, my mom is in a major state of depression every time this happens (approx. 1-2 every few months). Sometimes my stepmom also disappears (like goes to target & never calls) & she avoids being home when my mom is. This literally is killing my mther emotionally . I have no way of helping her cause I'm just trying not to reset my stepmom off & having her run off again. (I feel like I need a therapist) If more detail is needed I can provide it.

Ex. Last night my stepmom was calling my brother conceited & making dinner tense b/c of stuff to do with parts he & my stepsis got in the school's musical for next year. Also, last time this type of situation occurred this happened it resulted in screaming & me being set off into panic attack/crying mode as a breakdown from being yelled at for approx. 5 min. to an hour straight (lost sense of time) (All b/c I said or did something stupid or unintentionally offensive). The trigger is different every time.

I know I'm not perfect (NOT NEARLY) so their is only so much I can control & handle.

Could you suggest family therapy privately to your mom and let her decide whether she wants to suggest it to your stepmom? I say family as opposed to couples because this kind of stress affects everyone who lives there.

You've got one great thing going for you- you know it's not your fault and you can't fix it. Nothing you do can change it.

I'm glad that you've found a refuge at college. Is it too late to sign up for summer courses and stay there? Is college nearby or do you leave the home?

Is there a friend or relative you could go to live with? Or maybe somebody who might like to go camping with you? Look in the ads or CraigsList - maybe you could get a room somewhere?

Well, I can't drive + my summer job that I'm starting soon is 2 days a week & is where my biomom works. So moving out is out of the question. I can try to arrange hanging out with friends more so this summer (cause I actually have some now ). My home is within a half hour of my university & many of my friends are locals to that area but otherwise we're all spread out within a few states.

You accepted a job, you didn't marry it. Maybe you could try for another job, with an eye to arranging to live near college. I'm very glad to hear you've got friends!

Main issue with that is even if I'd get a job at my college or in the town I can't drive and would literally need to beg a friend to drive me to work whenever I have work. I do have one option but he has an early shift and I'd rather not bug him with picking me up (I'd have to go fill in applications as well). This is my first technical job where my mother is not my boss (she used to have her own business), so it would be pretty bad if I walked out on it.

I'm already planning on maybe talking to 1-2 friends (and possibly a third if I find another reliable one I'd be able to live with) about eventually living together. (But this plan is post next 1-2 semesters). They are very quirky and reliable. One girl went through a program so she can get a regular job now & the other is a guy whose got at least 3 semesters of school left (more if he goes for his master's degree). He's serious enough about his studies that he will definitely graduate. (Only reason he's failed courses was stress/depression over his father's cancer/death ). They are both very nice but unless I knew a 4th person to live with us it would be awkward b/c the girl has admitted to wanting to try dating this guy & I'd rather not be the third wheel. Also, I was thinking with 4 people, the rent would not be as crazy if we all had money saved/jobs to pay rent unlike what an apartment would be for 1-2 people.

But until than I'm just going to get through this summer & see how things go. The thing is I'm 19 so if I can find a job & a way to live away from my parents & get to work (w/o driving b/c insurance is expensive so I didn't bother getting my permit when I planned too) they CANNOT stop me. (Maybe I should talk to the girl about arranging a meeting with one of her asexual friends b/c that way I'd have someone to complain to if the other two ever get too lovey dovey around me ... )

It really does sound like you have options. I wonder if you mistook my meaning about another job - I meant a job near the college, no transportation involved except maybe a bicycle? Whereabouts are you, weather-wise?

So would I be correct if I guess that you do not feel trapped? You know, if nastiness starts up at home, you can turn on your heel and go out the front door. No goodbye, just turn and go. Maybe have a list of places to go, or just have a good walk. You don't have to stand there and take it - I did, when my father was behaving like that. In the middle of the night. And I was 14. But you're 19, you have power, turn and walk away. Or am I putting my own past onto your present? I apologize if that's so!

Best of luck with that. Their problems should not be your problems.

Hang in there.

I have options IN THE FUTURE if I plan properly. But for now (again) due to lack of ability to drive or an alternate place to live, I'm stuck. The scenario with friends I listed above is hypothetical & I may want to talk to them about it eventually (it depends on how their relationship goes if it will be possible). I can't get a job near my college b/c I can't drive & tried to check what was available in town/on campus & all my friends who were seeking jobs in our college town had issues (except previously lib & comp. science employees). Weather-wise I'm in a temperate zone, its hilly with highways between my parent's home and school (half-hour drive). Its way to far to walk daily anyways. Weather has been going crazy between rainy-humid-sunny & temperature fluctuates a good 10-30+ degrees depending on the day.

Crap, just did calculations that prove that unless my mother was willing to spend the money she spends on the dorms on at least part of the rent I'd be screwed if I ever moved out. I need to whine sorry (skip next part if you hate whining)

1. Cannot work full time while I'm a student (employment on campus will not give anyone 20 hours a week & would not be able to keep up grades and work too many hours) My max would be approx. 5-13 hours. But most student employees in the lib (where I'd wanna work b/c of my major so I have good stuff for my resume`) don't get more than 1-5 hours per week.
*My main priority is my studies & staying sane (I wanna keep it that way)
2. With pay at $5-7 an hour as a student employee, with such a light # of hours I'd never make enough to cover rent let alone food .
3. Sum up, I'd end up being a mega moocher no matter what I do b/c even if I dip into my future summer earnings & savings, it would only last so long (maybe a year).
4. Realized it would be impossible b/c an apartment would be a long-term commitment & I'd constantly need to be bringing in a decent amount of money year round. (Or a huge sum over breaks).

Great I'm gonna feel trapped for a long time...