Why do I bother trying?

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Sigh, tried to go to one of those meetups and it ended up just as I expected. Normally in conversations I've learned its give and take, mostly it seemed like other people were taking more out of me than me actually gaining anything. So by the end of the day I felt drained and I couldn't wait to get back home and back to my online friends again. Now it feels like I should just quit trying at life entirely, for those with hearts like mine who are bound by compassion as a part of duty, freedom is only truly given in death. I feel like a weapon that was tried, tested, and rejected. What am I one person when compared to the needs of millions of Americans? While I am bound by my compassionate duty to be their for my parents until they eventually pass, once that is done I still intend to end my life. Like a parasite that will die with its host so shall that be also my fate.

Don't quit trying at life, things will get better.

Firstly u should not let that compassion put you at the bottom of the list. Meaning don't forget to take care of yourself, stay healthy, do things u like to do. If you do this it will make you a better person.
This quote is from Budda (i think)
"You, as much as anyone else in the universe, deserve your love and affection".

Life to me isn't about what you deserve, because alot of us don't deserve quite a bit of the things we have. If we had to go by deserving, I deserve to be killed for cowardice and to be cast out and forgotten for all eternity. I've listened to the poppycock of "things will get better" for years, some of us even more than that. Some things get better but alot of things get worse too, so may I die and rest for all time because I find it more comfortable just dreaming than actually living and being awake.

I'm a very strong willed person myself, and if it's something I want to succeed at, I will NOT give up until I do.

It sounds as if you want to be able to go out and socialise with people, if i've interpreted this correctly, just keep trying, maybe some different methods; such as being the one who is out of the way to see if someone will come over to talk to you, if that doesn't work, maybe next time you could try being the one who starts up a conversation. There are many different ways you can try.

But to me, if you want to succeed at something, you will.

I can understand where you're coming from. As if it's "survival of the fittest," and I'm not equipped with even the basic tools, socially speaking. As much as I may "want" to do better, that is not enough to make it so. It is hard not to lose hope.

So what advice can I give? Some small part of your life must be worthwhile, even if it pales in comparison to the social life you would like. If you have online friends, that's something. I do a little of that, or I draw, or I post here like you did. Sometimes, I'm pleasantly surprised, or I get a new perspective I couldn't possibly get from in-person socialization.

So, I stick around, for better or worse. You should too.

You keep trying because you hope things will get better. They could get better if you find something you really enjoy.