People who don't want to have kids are lucky

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They don't have to worry about their partner being infertile or them being infertile or being unable to have a kid. They don't have to worry about going into fertility treatment and spending $10,000 dollars for egg implants risking to lose their money if it doesn't work.

If they have a miscarriage, it be a blessing for them and they wouldn't have to worry about having another one because it wouldn't matter if they can hold a pregnancy or not.

Sometimes I wish I didn't want them. Then I'd have no worries.

Why do you want kids?
What is the purpose?

And yes, I know a married couple who spent in excess of 10k - all failing and at this point it could be too dangerous for her to get preg. Now they are working on the route of adoption.

While I in general I highly dislike people adding to the population, we do in fact need at least some smarty pants couples making babies and actually planning ahead with enough money to assist their creation reach their fruition, in place of by $$$ alone fail to even have the chance of reaching whatever potential they sought and what not.

Kitten power!

Sorry the process is getting so frustrating for you. Even though I count myself as lucky, it was intense and stressful just getting through what we did and I haven't forgotten.

My advice (not that you are looking for any) is this:

Decide right now what your stopping point is. How far are you willing to go to give birth to your own children? What modern methods are you comfortable taking advantage of? What types of adoptions would you consider?

I've seen it over and over: the further you get into the process of trying to have a child, the less you can turn back and change your mind. It gets worse. Much worse. It can take over your life, your finances, and your emotional health.

So decide NOW, before you've gone into the rest of the nine yards times a thousand, where you will end, at what point you need to say, "enough." There are, after all, many ways to enjoy the presence of children in your life without them having to be "your own." Take a month off from the whole deal, and just think about your values and how they play into the decisions you will be asked to make. Then review all the potential future options together with your husband and make decisions as to what avenues you will and will not explore, if it comes to them, and STICK to those decisions.

I wish you the best of luck and am really sorry it has you down.

Do any of your siblings have children? I've felt that the pressure is off of me to have kids because my set has had four so far. How would you feel if you said right now: "this is too much already. I'm not having any."? Are you considering resolving your dilemma by placing yourself in the not-wanting-kids category? There are things you can do that have evolutionary and cultural value besides having children, things that can increase the likelihood that your cousins' children and siblings' children will survive, prosper and have children of their own.

I guess I really want to impress on you the idea of not sacrificing your sanity, your finances or your marriage for this. Take care of yourself first. If you don't, and things go badly, then you'll not be in a good position for having and raising children anyway.

Last edited by sgrannel on 16 May 2010, 7:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I may not be able to answer the question posed, but I am sincerely sorry that you're having difficulties in this way. In some ways, I might like to have a child but unsure. Fertility problems are not uncommon.

However, my friend (NT) had a heartbreaking ordeal some time ago - she and her husband had been hoping for a child. She was so happy and fulfilled - finally pregnant! Although she is by all means a successful person with a lot going for her, plus a great family.........heartbroken: She had a miscarriage. Never have I witnessed my friend so sorrowful. She is always composed and graceful. When the miscarriage happened she was beyond distraught. And I so sorry.

Caveat here: I'm not, at all, implying this is applicable to you (it's not) BUT, that being said, I guess I could see how fertility problems, no matter how they're manifested, can be hard. Happily, she now has little boys (2)! I do she is from a religious upbringing so children have special meaning for her. League_Girl: Really hope it works out (and I bet it will)! I do note you often post about your great neices/nephews so I imagine you love kids. I hope you can have a baby soon.

I guess DW_a_mom gave good advice; there are options. Some couples go to extreme means to have children or choose alternate ways. The fact is that you do want them - and that's good. This means you'll find a way. Good luck to you both (cross fingers for you)!

Adopt?

It's better for the world adopting than having your own (too many people as is).

QFT.


M.

My heart goes out, to you.

Im sorry to read this. You are still very young though, so you never know, perhaps you will be lucky soon..

My husband doesn't want to adopt. He says he has always wanted a kid of his own and he doesn't see it as his own kid if we adopted. Plus do you realize how hard it is to adopt so people who don't want kids also don't have to worry about having to go through the paper work and having to build a resume about their life to impress the birth mothers and have to wait for one of them to contact them to interview them and see if they want them to adopt their baby. My husband said most mothers go for rich people to adopt their kid and raise them. My husband and I don't make that much so I doubt any woman would pick us to adopt their baby. Plus it's hard to adopt because everyone wants a baby and they all get taken quickly and lot of women have abortions which makes it even harder for couples to adopt. So people who don't want kids don't have to worry about waiting ten or fifteen years to adopt.
Also what you see in movies where people go to the orphanage on adoption day and they pick out a child as if they are pets they want and they sign the paper work and bam the child is theirs and they all go home and they live happily ever after. It doesn't work that way in real life because the kids usually have problems and the kid doesn't all of a sudden get happy and they are normal. Kids in those orphanages are usually neglected and not given love when they were young so they didn't develop the love and trust so they have problems when they are older such as RAD. That's why most people want babies. They don't want an older child that has been screwed up.
And when you adopt, people don't tell you about the child's medical history or their birth parents. My guess is they keep that information from you because they want to get rid of the child and most people want a perfect baby, not a defective one (no offense) so if the couple heard this baby, his mother had a very hard delivery with him and he lacked oxygen to his brain and was in the hospital for three weeks, the couples might not want him knowing who knows what problems he will have in the future and they don't want to find out so they don't adopt him and they try and go for a baby that is perfect. There have been people who adopt and then they find out later on their baby has health issues and then they find out their birth mother did drugs and all or they might find out the mother was in domestic violence and was beaten while she was pregnant or they just find out their baby has health issues and the mother was okay during her pregnancy. But do they give the child back? No. But if they knew their baby had problems, would they have taken him? Probably not.
And you don't have to worry about this stuff or worry about getting scammed by birth mothers or worry about mothers deciding to take their baby back and try raising it themselves when you don't want kids.

I have wanted kids since I was 5 years old. I guess it's in my nature to want them. I enjoyed playing with them growing up and wanted some of my own when I grow up. But I decided I wanted to adopt when I was in my teens because I wouldn't have to worry about the pain of labor and getting bigger and changing my body from it and having scars from it like spider veins or bumps or skin that sticks out. That's what happened with my mom. I hear you can have spider veins removed and that skin but it takes surgery and it costs money. But I have read about adoption and see it's not easy and it's not like what you see in movies and I have learned most older kids have problems. Even foster kids have problems too because they come from homes where their parents did drugs or where they were being abused or sexually, neglected. Plus the cost of adopting, expensive. But I read here in Oregon, you don't have to pay anything to adopt a foster child when you do it through the DHS.
But my husband doesn't want to adopt.

No my brothers don't have any kids.

Why does he care if an adopted child isn't his own? Really, your parents are the ones who raise you, not the ones who give birth to you.

O, I know that there's a chance you'll end up having a child with "problems" (humans inherit parts of their parents' behaviour, but they also learn from others as they grow), but isn't giving these kids a chance one of the greatest things you can do for them?

Helping those in need is an honorable thing, and if you want children but can't have your own; adopting is a good choice. This is if you're given a chance at it, of course.

I've known two families that adopted children, and the kids were given a chance, the same as everyone else, rather than being foisted into places that just breed criminals. All of the children were ok, I mean, they ended up being just like anyone else, and I know the parents of one lot, were criminals.

I personally envy people who have kids and who make good parents. I will never have kids not because I don't like them but because I'm too incompetent to raise them well. Let people who are capable of holding down a job for a long period and can provide adequate income to do the child raising. Let people who don't constantly go through life saying and doing the wrong things to do the child raising. I couldn't keep a child in bubblegum and I wouldn't do anything right. All you capable parents should be proud of yourselves. It proves that you're capable and competent people, something I can only dream of being.

Personally I don't think it's fair on the child if you adopt, If he or she is going to grow up in a household where the father does not love them or treat them like he would his own.

How often do you try for the baby the natural way? You could always try and find out if you are actually infertile or its just hard to conceive. If the latter there are probably herbs you can take to help.

My sympathies, Leaguegirl. I can relate to your frustration (I'd love to have a kid one day, but I can't do it on my own and hence it's not going to happen). You're right about adoption, there are almost no 'perfect babies' out there available for adoption, not even in countries with high birth rates, so that unless you're a millionaire pretty much your only options are adopting a kid with a disability, or health problems, or an older child (and something like a third of adoptions of older children fail). hale_bopp has an excellent point, it wouldn't be fair on the kid.

@Danielismyname: My views are essentially the same as yours, however if the father is not keen it would only be setting them up for trouble later on. Also it's understandable that people want 'perfect babies.'

My husband and I were trying as much as possible. I was trying to have it everyday but we could only have it on the weekends usually. Now we're not trying anymore.

The doctors said I was very fertile because I got pregnant so quick last time.

I understand that you dont want to adopt but there are many children (mainly girls) in China and some other countries that need parents. There are also a lot of Autistic children in these countries who most DONT want. The wait is far shorter but there is still the issue of money. I think if I was in your situation this is the route I would go, I would ask family and friends to help with the cost but you have to make your own decisions and find what suits you.
I used to work for docs who did infertility and I saw a lot of women got through so much pain and suffering....and I saw several of them that were successful. Sometimes if you relax and try not to think about getting pregnant (which I know is hard when you want one so bad) then sometimes it happens. Ive seen it happen many times or Ive seen people who have gone through infertility over an over only to give up and then become pregnant.
The most important thing is to try and find out why you are unable to get pregnant. This involves a few tests for you and your husband.