I feel like a fake aspie (and my whole damn life story)

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I'm sorry that this is so long.




I've thought that I'm an aspie for the last three years after one of my friends made the suggestion. I haven't been diagnosed despite asking for one because the psychiatrists I see only want to talk about what pills to put me on. I'm on Adderall and some anti-depressant now.

Everybody here is probably an asperger expert, so you tell me if you think that I have it or I'm just a poser looking for a cop-out.

Early Life: Firstborn, with no complications. My mom says that I was a 'perfect baby', and never cried excessively or things like that. For whatever reason I spent most of my time with my great-grandmother. My sister was born a year later, one of four. I hate her the most of all of them. It's partially because she took away my parental affection (and they say that she was an evil baby), and partially because she's stupid, fat, bitchy and masculine. She's also very violent and frequently starts fights, much to my curiosity because she loses badly every time. Still my arms are covered in scars from her.

Elementary School:When I first got into kindergarten I was sad because it seemed like everybody else knew how to read already. I was also the youngest in my class. In fact I had been born a day later then I would have been held back a grade. I got a 4th-grade reading level by the end of the year.

First grade was horrible. The teacher was a real b***h. Then she got knocked up and was out for half the year. The sub was okay but she wasn't allowed to teach anything. By second grade my reading level had dropped behind everybody else and I had to take tutoring. I was also put in speech therapy. I can't be sure but I think that my handwriting declined too.

Something continues to bother me about the tutor... she wanted me to sound out 'busy'. I couldn't do it. The obvious pronunciation would be 'bus-ee' or 'bus-I'. How was I supposed to know that it was 'biz-ee'? And I must have tried to figure out how to pronounce it for ten minutes before she realized what a moron she was and just told me. Anyway...

So around this time everybody started liking sports. I have exercise-induced asthma. I could never figure out how everybody could throw and kick the ball so fast. I still can't do it as fast as they could. I wasn't weaker than everybody else, so something else must have been going on.

I sucked at sports and chose to just stay inside most days.

3rd grade also sucked.

4th grade was decent. I got hives from stress and spent four weeks in Shepard Pratt. None of my peers liked me, and probably none of the teachers either. I had clinical depression. I'm not sure if it was in 4th grade but at some point I attempted suicide and had frequent suicidal thoughts.

5th grade sucked.

At no point did I do my homework consistantly. Nobody thought that I was very smart. My 'narrow intense interests' were castles and knights and stuff.

Middle School: I went into a really crappy art magnet school. People told me that I was good at art but I wasn't. I hate that, the way people lie about things like that. That's why I always try to be honest when people ask me what I think of their trash.

I tested really high on some standardized test so people decided that I wasn't a ret*d. Apperantly that test is the only reason I'm getting so many offers from colleges despite my ground-level GPA. I'm not going to college.

Half my teachers were good and half were horrible. About halfway through the year I was put in a special-ed school because I threatened one of the mean ones.

I was suspended twice for trying to walk home after the staff were as*holes to me. They made me sit out of gym class and take a 0 because my socks were the wrong color... not that they ever told me what color socks I had to wear, even after I asked them what the uniform was. So I tried to walk home but went back to school after they called the police.

Things improved in 7th grade. I could do long math problems in my head which amazed the teachers. Mostly everybody else was morons though, it being a sped school, so my education obviously suffered. They put me in normal english and history classes and were going to put me in a normal math class but then the year ended.

Oh, yes, and my youngest sister got eye cancer. My dad usually yelled and hit me anyway, but he did more now because he said that I was causing too many problems by being insane and my sister was the only one who needed attention blah blah blah, something like that. He yelled at me for 'talking like a robot' too.

I still hate my dad. He's fat, stupid and bitchy just like my first and last sisters. That must be why he likes them so much more than the smart ones with social problems: me, second and third sisters.

8th grade I was in all normal classes. I lost the ability to do long equations in my head around here, because the teacher took off points if I didn't show my work on paper. I discovered that people now thought that I was funny. I could act as weird as I wanted and people would just interpret it as a joke. It was a good year.

My interest during this time was chihuahuas.
High School:
9th grade wasn't so great because I was just adjusting to highschool, but it was the second-best year I'd had up until that point. Some people thought that I was an as*hole because I was a Republican, and most people in Maryland are Democrats. One of my friends told me that he thought I was an aspie, and at this time I decided that I was. I felt somewhat relieved that I had something to blame my problems on, without the stigma of ADHD or something like that.

10th grade: Mostly good, despite some issues of a girly nature which I'm still too sore to talk about. It occured to me that people must actually realize that I'm different and not trying to be funny, because one I asked a girl I had been friends with out she never spoke to me again.

I got in advanced history class too- my only advanced class ever, besides advanced history this year. Not turning in work and skipping school to oversleep hurts me a lot.

I became an atheist and a libertarian towards the end of that year. I felt better about myself, not so much I think because my opinions were more correct but because I was shedding part of my unhappy life.

11th: Where I am now. It's pretty good, but I'm becoming anxious about school ending because I don't have any social interaction outside of it. Some girls seemto like me, but I'm afraid that I'm misinterpretting and they'll do the whole nevertalktomeagain thing if I ask them out, so I won't. One stopped talking to me once I told her that I have Aspergers anyway. Still overall it's pretty good.

Why I don't think that I have Aspergers:

I don't think in pictures. I can think in pictures, as in half the time I have a picture in my mind, but not 32 per second like I'm supposed to have.

I can't read complex emotions, even when thinking about it conciously, but I can read simple ones like anger and annoyance without thinking, so long as the obvious body language is there.

I think that I better fit the criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder (though I suppose that I could have both)

I no longer speak in monotone or have difficulty with eye contact.

Unless it's Aspergers, writing, and psychology in general, I haven't had any specific interests during highschool.

I don't go into 'long mononlouges' about my interests, probably because I don't talk enough anyway.

Why I might have Aspergers:

A regression in reading ability and difficulty speaking during my early school year.

Social anxiety, I feel afraid when I'm buying something from a store or ordering a pizza delivery. I'm constantly afraid of what other people think of me. Sometimes I wonder if there are people who can read minds, and they're reading mine. Then I think-tell them to F*** off.

I stim.

I'm weird and I take things literally.

My mother's 4 brothers all seem to have minor ASD.

People say that I remind them of aspies that they know.



Tell me whether you think I have it or not.

Also, another problem. I have constant memories of sad things that have happened in my life and I go into either a crying, angry or cussing fit. Fortunately this only happens at home, but it contributes to my difficulty sleeping and staying happy.

You sound like you have AS traits. You don't need them all to actually have AS. I don't know what the thinking in pictures thing is about though. Anyway, good luck with your investigation!

Seigneur wrote: Middle School: I went into a really crappy art magnet school. People told me that I was good at art but I wasn't. I hate that, the way people lie about things like that. That's why I always try to be honest when people ask me what I think of their trash.


I just love that!! (although I don't know why)
You sound like you have AS. You are an individual and you're not going to be some stereotype. I enjoyed reading your long post. It was great!

"Why I don't think that I have Aspergers:

I don't think in pictures. I can think in pictures, as in half the time I have a picture in my mind, but not 32 per second like I'm supposed to have."

I think in words. btw when people talk about "thinking in pictures" I think they are referring to an article about Temple Grandin? However do you have a lot of things running through your mind at once?

"I can't read complex emotions, even when thinking about it conciously, but I can read simple ones like anger and annoyance without thinking, so long as the obvious body language is there."

I find I can read what's happening in a soap opera or between other people, but when people talk to me the signals get confused.

"I think that I better fit the criteria for Avoidant Personality Disorder (though I suppose that I could have both)"

Personality Disorders are different from Asperger's as they develop late in life whereas Asperger's is Developmental ie since birth.

"I no longer speak in monotone or have difficulty with eye contact."

Many Aspies can have good eye contact.

"Unless it's Aspergers, writing, and psychology in general, I haven't had any specific interests during highschool."

It's hard to say I don't know you personally.

"I don't go into 'long mononlouges' about my interests, probably because I don't talk enough anyway."

Me either.

Anyway a good site to check out is www.as-if.org.uk it has more information on it that is easy to read. It has a leaflet and go through the pros and cons of whether to get a professional diagnosis or not.

I've felt like a Fake Aspie, until Last December. Than I've fallen into the vice of an Obsession that I've thought has gone away, in the Late Spring of 1997. Since December 9th, it's been very clear to me, that I'm an Aspie.

<------------Look to the Left, and you'll see what I'm getting at. I've mentioned the "Good R-Word" too many times, since December 9th.

I dont recall Temple Grandin writing that she saw 32 pictures per second. The Human eye is mostly incapable of preceiving 32 frames as discrete images, and I imagine thats more to do with our brains than anything. At that speed, similar images blur into motion; at that speed, if you insert a image that doesnt mesh with the others, lots of people will not even notice it.

Some autists are sensative to high speed motion; their visual centers are on the cusp of discrete perception of short time slices.

When Ms. Grandin says she sees in pictures, thats something most NTs would claim too. Ask someone; they will say they do, because they think they do. Something in Temple Grandins experience has shown her that she sees things differently, but she can never truly know; her only experience is her own. I think shes onto something; i am starting to see traces of it in myself. Its as much as a way of describing how you preceive as a way that you really do.



Complex emotions are human only. The baser feelings like anger are more primative, and exist at the level of animals, and come from parts of the brain that they have. Animals can detect these in each other, and in humans. The part of the brain that handles these are not the parts affected by AS.



True.



Experience is your greatest asset to overcoming AS. With practice and knowledge, people, even NTs learn to rise above their limitations. You learn tricks to survive.



Even NTs take creative breaks from their interests. Brains need downtime, and sometimes life is fullfiling or distracting in other ways.



Not all traits must be present to indicate AS.





I never had this.



I basically dont give a rats ass what people think of me. I'd like to fit in better, but beep em if they dont like me.



good. keep it up.



I admire that in a person.



We cant all be perfect ASers



I used to think i had met so many people that i was starting to see patterns in faces. Now I think I dont see the uniqueness' in faces, and so people tend to look alike!

Tell me whether you think I have it or not.

NO!

You sound like you do have AS but the chances are you have learnt to live with it better. REMEMBER: you cannot live out of AS you have it; just some (such as you) learn to live with it easier than others do.

Also you are comparing your self as the stereotypical Aspie (I hate that term 'Aspie' I try to use it as little as possible) you should just think of your self as you.

For me, at first, I wasn't sure, like I don't talk in monotone, I can make eye contact, etc.

However, I wasn't sure, and I didn't know until I was professionaly diagnosed. But then, later last year, about the time I joined WP, I started analyzing myself more, and I saw what was different about myself, and realized that I needed to see what AS was.

From knowing other Aspies, I can say that not everyone appears to have AS. However, everyone with AS has some of the quirks, and that's how you know.

I have a lot of the quirks myself. Not everyone does, though.