Dead End

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Hey all.

I feel like I've hit a dead end in my life, like my situation is regressing. When I was small, I was always a loner. I never did well in school once I got older than 10, despite being highly intelligent. My interests weren't in synch with what the school wanted to teach me.

In grades 9 and 10, it's almost like I snapped out of it. My grades were stellar, almost always in the mid-high 90's (with a low 80 in English....I always hated English). I began opening up more and making friendships...although I clung on a little too tight, and drove people away. But I still managed better than I ever had before.

Then Grade 11 hit. My circle of friends disappeared, and once again I was a loner. I was smoking pot almost constantly, because I felt more normal and happier on it. My interests began to consume my life again (mainly computers), and my grades plummeted. I began dropping courses left, right and center, before finally dropping out of high school. I got stuck in a dead-end job, yet because of my AS traits, I could never get a promotion into a better position. I began bouncing from job to job, sometimes walking out, getting fired once.

Then my interests began to detoriate. It's almost like I stopped caring about even them, which is highly unusual for me. Don't get me wrong, they are still there, strong as ever. However, I stopped doing something about them and pursuing them. I'm interested in web services, *nix operating systems, all that kind of geeky stuff. I used to do things like set up little servers at home, play around with and compile source code, etc. Skills I could use in the future. Now, it's all I can do to even read the latest tech news site, or to bother installing a new program even. I'm interested, yet I don't want to bother.

I am now unemployed. I intend to go back to school in September, however I'm not sure if I have the capability to actually finish high school. I just don't seem to care anymore. It's as if my life is flushing down a toilet, and I don't care enough to do anything about it (I guess this post kind of contradicts that, but yeah).

Does this make sense to anyone? Has anyone else ever experienced this, and how did you snap out of it? I don't think I'm depressed....I mean, I don't feel sad. It's not like "Oh my god, I'm so stupid" and then I think about killing myself for the next month (the thought has crossed my mind, but not on a regular basis). It's just that I simply don't care.

Not caring having little energy for follow through are forms of depression...you dont have to be suicidal or cry all the time....You might wont to consider counseling and even though its contiversial here...anti-depressants, the right med at right dose can help take the edge off without changing your personality...You might consider getting GED instead of Highschool which was about the most depressing time of my life...hated it but loved learning...are you considering getting further education in your field of interest?If so, you really need to consider dealing with the depression first...you need both motivation and ability to focus and depression can make that impossible....good luck!

Hey krex....thanks for the response.

I never realized a lack of motivation was a form of depression....guess I've just believed more myths or something. I'm not sure if I would be willing to take anti-depressants....but counselling would definately be an option. I generally don't like meds.

I can already hear the screams of anguish coming from my dissappointed family if I got my GED as opposed to my High School Diploma. I am considering, once I manage to motivate myself again, going on to College or University....I still haven't decided what exactly I want to do though....I guess that is also one of my problems. It's almost like I don't want to decide. But in order to do that, I don't think a GED would suffice.

I fear when I go to the psychologist, they are going to say "I don't think you have AS, so let's deal with your depression first"....I haven't been diagnosed yet. The thing is, my AS traits cause me a lot of problems, and I think if I have the AS diagnosis, I can begin working on my depression (feels weird saying that) as well as on improving some other aspects of my life that are caused by my AS (my Mom and I are pretty much positive that I have AS), such as my inability to hold onto friendships, or even make them, my awful interview skills, etc. A lot of these things probably have caused me to feel the way I am, so in my opinion, they should be worked on as well.

I'm hoping that with my school records (of which I have a copy and which have every single symptom of AS clearly documented) and with the support of my Mom, I will be able to get an AS diagnosis.

Anyways, thanks again for your post.

Im so glad you have your mom as a support person....that is an amazing asset! I also think the AS diagnosis is important as well as making sure you have a therapist that is well informed about AS an with the right attitude....easier said then done....A "bad" therapist can actually do mores damage then good....so,buyer beware....thankfully,most AS dont follow authority figures blindly,so trust your gut feelings and get feedback from your mom if the terapist seems flacky to you...

You dont have to determine a major for many years in college....the goal is to expose yourself to many new ideas and see what catches your interest...then before you decide on a major...find out what the actual work you would be doing dailly would intell.....I think many people with AS learn to compensate for some of the challenges that AS presents....but some individual limitations exist and ignoring them and trying to do things that are beyond your abilities will only stress and depress you.

ex...love archiology but hate the heat and bright sun light and getting hands dirty
love psychology but shy with people
love forensic science but cant concentrait in noisy lab with smelly chemicals

I'm just mentioning this because its something I forgot to consider in college and was also ignorant of AS at the time(graduated in 87)I was a psyc major but I'm to shy for counsler,cant handle research that involves torturing animals, have driving phobia, dyslexia makes writting scientific papers very difficult...etc(old folk ,like me,have instinct to want to protect younger from making our mistakes )kind of annoying ,huh...

Yeah, I was actually pretty surprised my Mom is as supportive as she is. It wasn't like "Oh, well you probably don't have it, but I'll support you through getting diagnosed if that's what you want", it was more like "I read that article on Asperger's you gave me, I think you have it as well". It is completely contrary to most of the reactions I have heard about other people having from their parents. I haven't talked to my Dad about it yet though....and I probably never will (my parents are divorced).

Our family doctor is pretty open-minded. My mom really likes her because she is one of the few doctors who believes that Fibromyalgia actually exists (my Mom has been diagnosed with it, and it, likes Asperger's, meets with a lot of skeptism from many doctors). So I doubt there will be any problem getting a referral to someone who specializes in AS from her, which is good.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia (Just in-case I've perked your interest).

While I am not pursuing any of my interests much anymore, part of my problem isn't a lack of interests, it is having too many. I am currently interested in computers, law, psychology and other things...part of my problem is narrowing it down, since I obviously can't go into all of these fields at once (it would be pretty cool if I could though!) I hear where you are coming from with ignoring limitations though....there are so many times I have pushed myself into positions or situations that I am not capable of doing, and then I get really down on myself when I fail.

No you're not annoying me at all. You are actually one of the few adults who has told me NOT to push myself, as opposed to "you need to do this or else you are a failure". My Mom more or less leaves me alone (I sometimes wish she would push me harder in some ways), but the rest of my family are always on me about what I'm going to do with my life.

Anyways, I'm already feeling better than I was yesterday, thank you so much for your helpful and insightful words! You've helped quite a bit. But I have to run now.

Talk to you soon.

My sister also has fybromialgia and I've done a little research about it ...she went to the Mayo Clinic and they told her....Only problem is you need to lose weight....true enough but is the weight a symptom or the cause of fybro symptoms....I think they were putting the chicken before the egg....I can really relate to your lack of desire to narrow options to one field....I have not been DX with AS but have been researching the heck out of it past few months(its my latest obsession)....I have wondered how I could have AS since I dont have a narrow focus about one topic but consider myself a "serial obsessive"....researching latest interest for months and then that sparks a new interest that I research for months....I may come back to interestest...like holistic medicine,yoga,buddhism, but Its never been my only interest my whole life...ie..specialist...I want to understand the details of something but also the web that holds everything together....if that makes any sense... Once apon a time....if you were a wealth noble ,you could do this....I cant remeber the name for this but it sure sounded like an ideal life!!!Good luck !

My Mom was in a car accident (rear ended by a school bus) and her symptoms began to set in after that. She then began putting on some weight, so I'm inclined to think that weight-gain is more of a symptom than a cause of the disorder....although it could be a bit of both as you said.

I am the exact same, I probably know more about AS than most psychologists do now, except for the ones who specialize in Autistic Spectrum disorders. My research does show me that people with the disorder sometimes (but not always) have interests that shift at random intervals, and there are generally 2 or 3 at the same time. This is actually what is said in the wikipedia article:

"Sometimes these interests are lifelong; in other cases, they change at unpredictable intervals. In either case, there are normally one or two interests at any given time. In pursuit of these interests, people with AS often manifest extremely sophisticated reasoning, an almost obsessive focus, and a remarkably good memory for apparently trivial facts (occasionally even eidetic memory).[16][17] Hans Asperger called his young patients "little professors" because he thought his thirteen-year-old patients had as comprehensive and nuanced an understanding of their field of interest as university professors."

I am like you, but my interests generally last for a couple of years (or sometimes even longer, such as my interest of computers, which has been life-long), but they do change. By narrow, I think they mean things like a specific disorder as opposed to all disorders, a specific operating system as opposed to just liking computers in general, etc. I think it also means that at the time of the interest, your interests are very narrow. Most NT's are interested in pop culture, music, movies, sports, etc etc., whereas with myself, I am generally interested in two things at a time, and don't want to be bothered with anything else.

Are you considering seeking a diagnosis for AS? At first I was not planning on it, but now I think it is a good idea, since it leaves my options open (should I ever need government assistance in the future (I'd rather not, but why limit myself....) or special accomodations at a job). Even if I never utilize the diagnosis in any way, shape or form, no harm is done, it's just a piece of paper in my filing cabinet, whereas if I needed assistance in the future but didn't have the diagnosis, it could pose problems.

Anyways, good luck to you as well. Thanks for giving me a little bit of hope!

I was just wondering if your mom has ever had her thyroid checked....often DR give aTSH test which can be inaccurate...a better test is the FreeT3,FreeT4 test....I recommend it for everyone (one of my obsessions)because t is so underdiagnosed and has so many negative effects on the body and mind.

My only hesitation in getting tested is that the few experts in the field live 30-45 min drive from me and I have driving problems....I think my boyfriend would drive me but I hate asking for help and he doesnt really support my desire to get DX.....(I believe he is AS in denial....hates any kind of change)
Someone on a foruem also said it is difficult to get private health insurence if you have AS DX...in the same catagory with people who have aids!which sounds absurd...but US medical system is often absurd...so I dont know if this is true or not....

AS and Aids are in the same category!! ! That is friggin absurd (I have more appropriate words, but they are innappropriate for this forum). AS doesn't kill you, or make you sick in any way. I've never been diagnosed with anything, so couldn't you just not tell them about your AS (just kidding of course....or am i???)