The End of All Hope

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Greetings everyone at WrongPlanet,

I've been reading these forums for quite a while but haven't been daring enough to post until now. I'm going to post this in The Haven since it's rather gloomy, and since the purpose isn't simply to introduce myself.

I'm a 19 year old male from Denmark, thus I apologize for any repulsive violations of the English language committed on my behalf. I'm currently a straight-A student at a college preparatory high school.
I received the diagnosis Asperger's Syndrome at the age of four, and every following psychiatrist throughout my upbringing has seemed to agree with that. In the following years I received additional diagnoses by various doctors (especially after the age of ten) including:

Agoraphobia
Obsessive Compulsive disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
General Anxiety Disorder
Social Phobia
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Major Depression
Dysthemia
Double Depression
Anorexia Nervosa
Several inferiority complexes (and before superiority complexes, which I consciously reverted)
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Schizoaffective Disorder
IQ well above average

... and I've frequently experienced (and am at the current moment):

Paranoia and delusions
Sleep depriviation (sleeping between 0-2 hours a night)
Sleep paralysis
Sleep walking (relatively seldomly)
Night terrors
Hypnagogic hallucinations
Extremely vivid and horrifying nightmares and bizarre dreams
Auditory hallucinations
Thoughts of self-harm, anger (violent thoughts), meticolously planned suicide, grandiose fantasies and intrusive thoughts of all the latter, although I display nothing of any of this on the outside. People have come to the conclusion that I possess no temperament at all.
Sudden loss of consciousness (I simply pass out, much resembling a heart attack) in crowded public spaces such as supermarkets
Shutdowns in stressed situations (I do not experience the so-called meltdowns)

Basically, I've experienced these symptoms ever since the age of ten, however, they appear to have increased explosively during the last five years, and apparently my difficulties seem to be claiming victory from this point onward. I also detest how psychiatrists nonchalantly throw diagoses after me as if were I nothing but a football goal for DSM-IV content...

I've never even remotely had a friend, and I'm sexually dysfunctional to an astonishing degree. Of course, my parents are divorced and loathe each other, and additionally both of them abuse me verbally.
I had strange interests until the age of twelve whereafter Pokémon and World of Warcraft games literally comsumed my life completely. I finally stopped playing World of Wacraft six months ago and became truly miserable straight ahead. Therefore I started reading mangas to distract myself from negative and self-destructive thoughts, although is hasn't quite worked out to say the least.
I despise sports, which is probably a trauma from bullies humiliating me in school, however, still run to control my weight (although I'm plausibly already rather skinny...) I receive light therapy one hour a day, but stopped using antidepressants (mirtazapine, escitalopram and sertraline) since they impaired my intellect, caused weight gain and various other unpleasant side effects. I'm also worried they could permanently damage my brain. I also tried methylpheniodate for about a month, but is only worsened everything. Then I tried Strattera for day, which simply ****** me up. I was alarmingly close to jump in front of a truck that day. I use six milligrams of melatonine, and sometimes it helps me tremendously in falling asleep, though I still wake up several times during the night and experience all of the nightly issues that I've listed above, and I suspect it could increase my vivid nightmares and bizarre dreams and cause further excessive fatique during the daily hours.

There's probably much more to say, but I merely wanted to shallowly introduce myself.

I wanted to ask something. Basically I've not been able to keep up with school this year at all; I haven't even cared the slightests since my future seems hopeless because of Asperger's Syndrome, which I suppose I blame too much on, however, I have an extremely difficult time not doing that. School is hell on earth at the moment. I'm hated and ignored by everyone, and my feelings for them have become mutual. I'm 18 assignments behind, and I have no energy or motivation at all to overcome them, and all my grades this year are only mediocre. I planned on becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon, however, that "dream" seems to be evaporating quicker than I initially thought. I'm constantly thinking of dropping out of school, however, I really have no idea what to do anymore. Should I simply drop out, continue and hope for the "best" whatever that nonsense might be, or should I dispose of myself with and overdose of benzodiazepines right here and now? I'm certain you would pick the political correct answer, but in all honestly, do any of you have any advice at all. Can you somehow relate to my overall situation?

I hope I didn't offend or annoy and disgust anyone excessively, and that you recognize my purpose in writing this post instead of disregarding it as being intellectually inferior and pointless.

Yours thankfully,
Fragile

I've read the post and it looks like you're going through a lot. I wish you luck in getting the help that you need, and I welcome you to WrongPlanet. I've only dealt with a quarter of those things, night terrors being one of them. I can just imagine what you're going through. I can't really say that I know exactly what you're going through, because no one can know exactly what another person is going through. If you want to talk about any of the issues that you have, you're welcome to come here to do so.

Greetings,

As an act of desperation, I took 100 milligrams of Ritalin, and I feel ABSOLUTELY GREAT! I hope this feeling of happiness, tranquility and clarity of mind never ends! I actually started doing my mathematics assignments now. I'm not even feeling high or anything, though I'm not certain if that was to be expected in any case with this dose. Tomorrow will be a whole other day! Just hope I won't be experiencing the Ritalin crash...

I'm hoping Ritalin doesn't damage the dopamine receptors in my brain or anything of the like. My intellect and especially my creativity doesn't appear impaired either - of which the latter quite surprises me. Now I'm actually the one feeling sad for my father who's experiencing loneliness and depression as well. He also had Asperger's Syndrome - exactly like my grandfather, my grand grandfather and probably even my grand grand grandfather. Obviously, it seems to run deep in our family. I simply feel extremely confident and extroverted at the moment.

I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I LOVE RITALIN.

Thank you, CockneyRebel. I'm glad you bothered replying to my overwhelming and completely unstructured thread. It's great that there's someone out there who cares and can even remotely relate to my condition. I feared that I wouldn't even have anything in common with even my own "kind", which would've left me rather defeated for a while.
I will plausibly use these forums more frequently from now onward; it's highly likely that I merely needed to break the ice. I hope that I'll be able to contribute positively to the forums despite my rather unstable condition.
Now it's back to my homework!

As misanthrope and an introvert recluse, with moderate paranoia, i can sympathize with your pain, however don't dope it away with drugs.

Stopped working now anyway. It's all about chemicals.

/sigh

I wonder why not? I bet your intentions are for the best, but we're all made from chemicals and some of us don't even have the right mix to start with.

Hang in there! It sounds as though you've been through a lot, and it sounds also as if you have done well up to now. We all experience burn-out and feel like we've hit a brick wall at times.