Thinking of suicide.... Might do it..Dunno

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The last two days suicidal thoughts have jumped into my head. I have had a past with suicidal thoughts, but I thought I was over it finally. Last year I went through six months where my thoughts and actions were crippled because of severe depression, but I was afraid to actual commit suicide because of the pain it would cause to me, if I failed, and to my family either if I succeeded or failed, either way. I am really scared about school, I go to university. Because my depression lasted for six months untreated I did poorly in a lot of my classes, but thankfully didn't end up failing anything. Towards the middle of March my depression faded and I was able to enjoy life a little more. On the first of May, I traveled with four companions to the far off distant land of Nepal, where I volunteered at an orphanage and worked at a local school. This trip gave me some purpose in life and I had a drive in my life. I spent five weeks in Kathmandu, before heading of to Antwerp, Belgium to visit my family for two weeks before coming home. I have worked 60-70 hours/ week since coming home, and until now I have been fine. However, school is about a month away I am feeling anxious. I am worried that my education will come to nothing, and I don't know if I can deal with social environments. I have taken up smoking as a coping method (I am 20 and have never smoked before). When I take a drag of a cigarette I feel so blissful, but it is not a healthy coping method because I am already overweight and have slight high blood pressure. I told myself I would not feel this way again but I can't help it. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I desperately don't want to feel chronically depressed again, I simply can't afford to let depression take over my life again. What should I do?

Also on a side note, I have found myself fixating on individuals (exclusively females) and I know this isn't healthy either. I am not a stalkerish person, but these fixations bother me because when I am around my objects of fixation I don't act normal; I sort of act like a drunk even when I am not. Sometimes I can't even bare to be in the same room as the person or I will flare up and become mad and flustered. I am uncomfortable being around beautiful women because I know I am a freak and I feel out of place with them; and my uni is full of attractive women. I hate being there.

Suicidal doesn't have to mean suicide.

Put it off a bit. Then a bit more & so on. Next thing you know.... you feel better! At least enough to live on.

That's how I've handled it.

Some treatment for that depression might help?

You seemed happy when you were abroad doing something for other people, yes? Is there a similar project for you where you are, maybe as a volunteer?

Sending you best wishes.

You seemed happy when you were abroad doing something for other people, yes? Is there a similar project for you where you are, maybe as a volunteer?

Sending you best wishes.

You seemed happy when you were abroad doing something for other people, yes? Is there a similar project for you where you are, maybe as a volunteer?

Sending you best wishes.

I think you should contact a counselor. Your school likely has a psychological services department.

Suicide is illogical because those who commit it do so to escape something. However to reap the benefit of an escape, one must have the capacity to perceive relief of that escape, and in death one does not have that capacity. You cannot kill yourself and then think "Boy, I'm sure glad that's all over with." You do not get that opportunity.

It's also illogical to assume that should you not kill yourself, you will always be in a dark place in life. The universe is dynamic, and whether one likes it or not, life changes. We cannot always win and we cannot always loose, or at least it is statistically very unlikely for such a thing to occur. Thus, your life will very likely eventually improve unless you make great efforts to keep it from doing such.

I think you should contact a counselor. Your school likely has a psychological services department.

Suicide is illogical because those who commit it do so to escape something. However to reap the benefit of an escape, one must have the capacity to perceive relief of that escape, and in death one does not have that capacity. You cannot kill yourself and then think "Boy, I'm sure glad that's all over with." You do not get that opportunity.

It's also illogical to assume that should you not kill yourself, you will always be in a dark place in life. The universe is dynamic, and whether one likes it or not, life changes. We cannot always win and we cannot always loose, or at least it is statistically very unlikely for such a thing to occur. Thus, your life will very likely eventually improve unless you make great efforts to keep it from doing such.

Whoa what's with the triple and double posts. Also I have had morbid thoughts run through my head. When ever I go to eat, I think I am eating a dead rat, and when I go to drink I think I am kissing a girl and think of woman's lips, which I find to be unappealing, especially if the woman is wearing lip gloss.

I find every woman unappealing.

Yeah, a counsellor will help, but it's not a fast fix. Until you get that, just remember that there are a lot of cool things in the world and even if you feel too tired, and sick, and isolated to participate in them, just knowing they are there makes it easier to go on.

I'm a poet, so I like a little suffering in life. It helps me think. If I don't feel bad I forget I'm alive at all.

A hospitalization for being suicidal sucks and being dead sucks even more and makes other people think bad things about you and you can't defend yourself because your dead... So anyway, it is better to think about the beautiful things and the painful things and let them lead you where they will in life.

Edit: Oh, yeah... and I just remembered, you're in Poland and if I were in Poland I would probably be suicidal too, but I am sure there are a lot of cool things there as well, and if you don't kill yourself, then I'll promise to come visit, because I would really like someone to prove to me that it really isn't a hellhole. But if I go, you have to show me where the gay bars in Krakow are.

DO NOT work 60/70 hours a week over school break. Look, I know exactly where you are because I've been there (although I was working more like 30-35hrs/wk, but in a high pressure social role). Afterwards I had no chance to recover because I went straight back to full time uni, was ill for 6 weeks, which accumulated into my biggest breakdown in years, was diagnosed with clinical depression, and had to be nursed back to health by my parents for 2 months. Similar thoughts ran through my mind like what's going through your mind right now.

How necessary is the 60/70 hour work week? Do you need to do that many hours to earn enough to live? Unless it's vital, I would recommend cutting right back.

Hey Bugzee, I am no counselor but your problem is clearly related with going back to school. Do you need to go back now? Cause if you don't, they don't go... What's the problem with losing one year or six months, or even 5 years, if it is for the benefit of your happiness or mental health? And if you do have to go, then try to find out what it is that makes you feel bad about going back. A coach or a counselor could help fight that feeling.
Anyway, did you ever think that those beautiful women may have terrible insecurities even if they don't show them? May be secretly in love with guys they think are far from their rwach, orfeel they are not as pretty, intelligent, or goodnatured as they would like...?
It seems to me that when you were in Katmandhu you felt useful, and therefore needed, and that feeling was very positive to you. Is there something similar you can do in your city?

Hold on for a bit longer. Greetings from Spain

what worked for me was intense physical exertion. i became a marathoner, a bicycle racer, and a free climber. depression vanished. anxiety, your demon, went away. it takes a lot of time but if your situation is serious, and your fixation on females sounds dangerous to me, it will be worth it. drop out of school if necessary for a year. if doing volunteer work helps, have you thought about helping non-human animals where you live. you will have nothing but acceptance and love.

suicide? try this. no human has ever loved me. no human has ever helped me. my childhood would have you crying. all my efforts at escaping my previous life, all the work, to finally not hate myself and look forward to the next day just vanished. i was run over by a drunk driver, the town drunk type, and mangled so i could never recover.
after years i could walk and ride a bike but then in a no good deed ever goes unpunished moment, i was in a multi-rollover car wreck and broke my neck along with other severe injuries. suicide? i'm the one who should be talking suicide.

see a therapist. right now. if you don't want to try aerobic exercise, anti-anxiety meds can do wonders. addiction? yes, a possibility. better than death, though. DO NOT BUY OFF THE STREET. hang in there

Unless there are any psychologists here, I'm afraid the best I can do is suggest you speak with one. Many of us have been dealt lousy cards, but that doesn't mean you can't still win the hand. Speak to a professional who can help you see it through. And you can worry about school and women and quitting smoking after you speak to someone and feel better, not before. Hang in there man. We're all pulling for you.

deal with school

what my father used to tell me, was that life never gets easier, just a lot harder. But because it is harder, rising up to that challenge becomes more fun

Mehhh, give it 5 more years at least. I'm sure it will mellow out with time.
Things usually get better at some point