I'm in distress!

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I have been having a really hard time lately. My boyfriend and I were fighting for hours last night and I didn't know what he was talking about at all! It was like he was just saying bla bla bla bla. I couldn't even understand what he was saying. Finally I got it and it was that he is upset about our communications, like I interrupt and wont let him express himself
I speak in long drawn out lectures, I don't acknowledge his opinion/perspective, I am stubborn, I am dramatic in my emotional reactions, I am blunt and hurtful.

When I finally understood what he was saying to me I went into a terrible fit. I have a horrible rage and a really hard time dealing with my own feelings of self hatred and anger. I know everything is my fault, but I somehow cant admit that. Instead I just want everyone else to just disappear so I wont have to admit that I am a total waste of air and a loser. I feel like I will always be sick and different and I am tired of it. I fell like I will never get better. I will never be able to figure out how to live like other people because I cant keep up the facade or normality forever.

Furthermore, my boyfriend wont accept or even learn about AS traits, (those very same ones that he is complaining about). I have asked him so many times to help us both by learning about AS, so we could work together to try to change my behavior and feelings but he just doesn't get it. It is so hard to bring it up and I just get shut down. I don't know what to do. I am so depressed right now.

I can't offer any help regarding your boyfriend. But I know about the "bla bla bla". I don't understand people sometimes, and it sounds like gibberish. I tried to explain that to someone once, and she got very upset with me.

If he's going to complain about something you have limited/no control over, and refuse to even look at the reason behind your behavior, I think you should move on.

But that's my advice for everything...

It might be impossible to resolve this issue with him, especially since you say he refuses to learn about AS. In a healthy relationship, you would be willing to learn about NT's, and he would be willing to learn about AS. You might have to just move on.

But if you want to give it another try, here are some suggestions that might help:

* Aim to have a CALM discussion about the issue with him, with the goal being mutual understanding of each other. Trying to understand the other person's point of view / complaint.

* Both of you should agree to avoid making accusations, that is do not say any "You are..." statements, instead say "I feel that you...". For example, do not say "You are babbling", instead say "I do not understand".

* Be aware that once either of you becomes emotional, the discussion is ruined. There is no point continuing. Anything that is said will just be ineffective hurtful rubbish because this sort of emotion makes people irrational. So once that happens, END the discussion by agreeing to resume it the next day.

* Limit the discussion to 1 hour. This sort of stuff is draining, and after 1 hour you will both start making mistakes and misinterpreting things and the discussion will become ineffective and degenerate into an exchange of hurtful rubbish. END the discussion by agreeing to resume it the next day. You said you were fighting for hours -- the discussion became a complete waste of time/energy after the first hour.

* It is difficult to end the discussion. There is a huge temptation to begin talking about it again. The only practical way to stop it being restarted prematurely is to stay away from each other. If you live together, this could be difficult, but it really is important to avoid restarting the discussion prematurely. Premature restarting of the discussion will just result in an exchange of hurtful rubbish.

* If anyone starts shouting, this means they are emotional and further discussion is pointless. END the discussion by agreeing to resume it the next day. It might take many 1-hour sessions over a number of days before it is finally resolved: That may be frustrating, but remember that slow progress is better than no progress.

* Have the discussion in a cafe or restaurant or other public place so you are both forced to keep your voice down and remain calm. The problem with having these discussions in private is that people seem to think that it licenses them to act like an angry clown.

I agree with EMP. All the way. But I'd like to share something with you. If you hate yourself, if you think everything is your fault, and all of that, you should be seeing someone about it, because being an Aspie is no reason to hate yourself (I'm trying to be supportive, not insensitive), and it sounds to me like you have some other issues too. I'm told I have the same problem (that I talk too much). Well, maybe so, but that's who I am. And I'm not stupid, and I have a lot to say, and I need someone to talk to. If this boyfriend can't accept the talking....well....maybe you need someone different. On the other side of the coin, I watch myself (I'm married with a kid) very carefully and stop occasionally. My favorite line is "Am I talking too much?" My wife is pretty honest, without being cruel. Either she'll say "go ahead, I'm listening," or "You're going on about something and I don't understand what you're trying to say," or "Yeah, I've been trying to say something for 5 minutes." Usually an "oh, geeze, I'm sorry" fixes things.

Good luck
BTDT

You will always be different. And that's a good thing. What a boring world this would be without you. You're not a "total waste of air." That's why I say, see a professional. You like to talk, so do I, but I've taught myself over many years that other people don't always think I'm all that interesting. Okay, that's fine. And sometimes, I agree with them. But mostly I just learn to control it and check for "breakpoints" occasionally. It's not hopeless, and you shouldn't feel that way.
See, I even type long drawn out stuff.....but I stop......

BTDT

WELL I think any man or woman should consider themselves lucky to be in a relationship with an aspie. I am in a relationship with an aspie man and he monologues constantly. I can't get a word in edgewise half the time, for his speechifying. He drives me crazy with his constant speeches. I try asking him for quiet time, but when that doesn't work I yell, "For god sake will you SHUT UP."

Then we just carry on. It works for us.

I am so thankful that he doesn't ever take offense to my impatience with him.


I am aspie too, btw.

Thanks everyone for the positive outlook and to Emp for the solid advice on moving forward. I think I certainly need to be seeing someone, but my anxiety about dealing with new things often prevents me from seeking it out.

I think much of my feelings about myself come from an uncontrolled and overwhelming anger at the outside world, the ways I feel failed by the world, that becomes intolerable and turned inward. My methods of coping with frustrations like that are really unhealthy and disrupt my relationships. I know the world wont change for me, so I must try to develop better ways of coping with my feelings.

I didn't mean to sound flippant in my response, Noodle. It is true though I do end up telling my aspie partner to shut up when he monologues. I have noticed that his astounding intensity, quick analysis and focus is so far beyond what the average person could do that it is almost like watching a small miracle performed.

The problem is that his speeches are so filled with information that I cannot keep up with his perceptions. For example, he does political analysis that just blows me away with the subtlety, depth, and flexibility of his mind. And he does this thought process in a rapid fire, almost instantaneous way. Well, he is descended from John A. MacDonald who was one of Canada's first prime ministers. That's no big deal because Canada's population was so small at its first beginnings that most families who have been here for centuries can trace their origins to important first settlers. My point is that even though my aspie partner annoys me with his monologues it is also an aspect of his character that makes him very special in my eyes. I see him for the amazing character that he is, and feel thankful to have him in my life. He has a gift, and I get to witness it everyday. If we aspies have any function at all, maybe it is to appreciate and cultivate our unique talents in a world that desperately needs our perspectives.

I think we are more tolerant of each other's behavioral problems than might be found in a couple comprised of an NT and Aspie. We might get angry with each other, but never ultimately to morally condemn the other person for things that can't be helped because of AS.