Not sure if my parents secretly want me to date?

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I've probably posted stuff about things like this before, but I've been getting the impression, especially since my first year of college that my parents secretly want me to date or get in a relationship . I'm very blunt about not wanting a relationship & haven't met anyone or gotten into any situation that would change my mind. It's gotten to the point where my biomom is bugging me to try and friend an old buddy from high school cause she thinks we'd be a good couple . (My moms seem to have this idea that me & my younger sister should be with younger guys & know my brother prefers dating older girls). I've thought about what I'd want in a relationship just b/c it keeps being brought up. I've also got a personal policy against dating someone as young as or younger than my brother due to not wanting to feel like I'd be taking care of a baby. I keep debating trying to get a fake boyfriend to get people I know to leave me alone and get my parents to shut up. But I realize if I'd "have a boyfriend" my parents would want to meet him. Are their any ways to get parents to back off in this area?

p.s. I know they think its very odd that I've never had feelings for a guy and I'm 19... but I wish they'd be more accepting and leave me be since I have no issues with their situation.

You are attractive, so I do not think it will be a problem to get a boyfriend when you are ready. However, I think your mom needs to stay out of your personal life. I hate when parents are like this.

I'll take you word for it on the attractive thing. But in my case I don't want to actually have a boyfriend b/c my sensory issues are really wacky. I've only ever been hugged by 1-4 guys & girls approx. who I'm not related to w/o feeling sick or extremely uncomfortable. Plus almost know one seems to think asexuality or demisexuality is real... I cannot find anyone attractive except from the neck up, feet and hands & generally cleanliness. The only reason I even object to body fat is b/c I'm ridiculously sensitive to hot spots and fat deposits radiate heat like crazy... for me at least . But actually, the guy my mom was referring to was a friend from high school, and I wouldn't of had an issue w/ reconnecting w/ him as friends but now I'm worried b/c my moms would bug him at work if it equalled us talking...

p.s. You look like a pretty girl based on your pic

I thought you already had an asexual boyfriend. What happened?

They're prolly secretly praying for grandchildren

Are aspies in the same boat as gay or lesbian teenagers who have parents want to play matchmaker?

Could be, in some cases.

Peko, your parents need to back off. It is NOT "odd" that you don't want to date at 19--neither did I. These things happen when and if they are supposed to, in their own time.

Maybe you could tell them that you just want to concentrate on school and dating anyone now would be a distraction from your studies.

Hey...it might work.

I never talked to my friend about the asexual guy she mentioned b/c she's been wrapped up in her financial issues, planning to go to an anime convention & wanting to fool around with 1 or 2 guys.

Opposite, on one hand I think they want me to date, but on the other they've told me they'll kick my butt if I get married as a virgin and do NOT want me to have kids. They always ask me what my future plans are & when I mentioned wanting to remain in my college town and possibly get a job their and am open to sharing an apartment with friends, they told me its unrealistic (I'm also fine with living alone).

Sounds very frustrating.

I don't see any way to get them to completely stop bugging you about getting into a relationship. If I were in your situation (I sort of am but not as much - about once a year my mother suggests I should have kids even though I've never been in a relationship) I would try to listen to their suggestions politely, tell them a bit of what they want to hear... something to the effect of "I'll think about it... I'm not quite ready yet... I want to get my career underway first... etc." And hopefully this will shut them up until the next time they start pestering you.

I would guess that since most people date and marry in their late teens and through their twenties, your family is worrying about you because you haven't. A common problem is for parents to worry that their child is gay because they haven't dated. (I believe my mother worried about this about me when I was in my twenties) I suspect the pestering comes from your family's desire to have it confirmed that you are "normal" in their eyes.

I don't recommend the fake boyfriend since this will only lead to complications and is likely to be found out anyway. Even if they are aware of your Asperger's syndrome, I think it can be very difficult for an NT to have even the most tenuous concept of what it is like to dislike touch and to find other people's presence unpleasant. You can explain it over and over and probably the best you can hope for is that they will have a limited understanding.

On the other hand, I don't understand how most people can stand to live with each other, let alone touch each other so much.

I don't think you can stop them from pestering you. I think you just have to accept that you will get this sort of treatment, probably into your late twenties, until they finally accept that you are going to be you whether they like it or not. The only thing you can do is give them vague reassurances that all will come out right in the future. Listen to them politely. Smile. Let them know that you have heard and understand their point. Then go and do whatever the heck works for you.

Good luck

Then it makes no sense for them to want you to date.



Talk about mixed messages.



Good advice there.

jagatai: thanks for the advice
Conundrum: You're right about the mixed messages thing; it hurts my brain trying to figure it out...

My parents don't even know about my suspected asexuality but they don't care that I haven't gone on a date before in my life (maybe they will start caring when I turn 30?). They have hinted that they assumed I am interested in dating by saying things like "any good looking girls in that class?" When that happens I just have a slight casual laugh and then change the subject of the conversation.

Get out and date already ! ! You're quite young to be staying home by yourself. Enjoy meeting people, every date is just a chance to meet someone of the opposite sex. I was terrible at being a 'good date' but I kept trying. Got married at age 33. Of course your parents want you to date, it's a parental thing.

No offense but I LIKE staying home by myself. I only like hanging out by myself or with my college friends, period.

No offense taken, but you're not going to learn how to socialize by staying home. (Personally I like to stay home with the Missus.)