to put it very succinctly and modestly

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I went to see a specialist (leader of team of specialists and researchers in Autism spectrum disorders) for a confirm of Aspergers or high functioning Autism. At the end of the 1.5 or so hr meeting he gave me a sort of synopsis of his impression of me and my difficulties. No clear spoken diagnosis. But he had me sign up to see an OT and Psychiatrist at his office, said I should see a counselor/psychologist but did not have an idea yet of a suitible one, and wants to see me again a couple months from now. While I understand and can overall be thankful that I am not just being given a label and treated in a generic manner, it is also hard because I have gone a long time trying to convince myself that I wasn't under any abnormal stresses, so still now I can think to myself "I'm not really on the autism spectrum, I just think I am and need to buck up and face the world" but I've been trying to do that for years now and think I might just keep making life more complicated for myself as I move around so much, physically and mentally, and continue to try to handle sensory stuff, emotional stuff, and managing things like registering for college.

I have no friends to talk to. I no longer trust people I spent a lot of time with for a few months this past year. No one knows me well enough that I would not have to, all at once, load onto them a complicated mass of factors to weigh. And I find myself unable to sort them out myself. I cannot hold them all in my head at one time and when I write them all down I cannot see a way to rank them by urgency. Some are thoughts or mental stresses that I cannot even really address unless I confronted people and, basically, instigated fighting. I judge tension as more tolerable than fights that I know will not change their minds. I am on Adderall, which has been helping me a lot, but I have been hitting a low in the afternoon a lot and I am beginning to fear that I am becoming immune to it a little bit.

I continue to be sound sensitive, wearing earplugs with earmuffs or headphones playing white noise almost constantly. Earplugs through the night, but still having trouble getting to deep sleep. Gettign to dream sleep, but I don't think further. So i've been more tired lately. I've been getting more headaches/migraines. I have a couple teeth that have some concerning cavities in them and that may be causing swelling in the back of my mouth. I have swelling back there and the back of my tongue is always very tense and feels like its getting more so lately and is making it even harder for me to speak. my neck, shoulders and back have been stiff and sore the past couple days and I have had trouble digesting food and have a lower appetite. Yesterday and today I have been feeling weak and somewhat feverish along with headache and the other stuff above. And continue to have my little neon lights that pop up and drift around in my vision.

My mom is the only one who helps me with anything, but she is terribly stressed out and even recently depleted her adrenal glands and started on anti-depressants without even seeing a psychologist, and will not take my advice and take vitamins and stop injesting caffeine. My dad does not /can't talk to me. My sister decided to get married in France and is making my parents pay for it. At this moment, they barely have enough money to keep buying car fuel, where are really necessary here. My brother is 23 and is still living at home. no college degree. works only about 10 or 15 hours a week, if that, and spends that money on video games and alcohol and equally overall useful things. My other sister is going back to school and so asks for things like $100 hair cuts and $100 pants. I don't have a job, but have two long term projects I have agreed to do for other people, have my own personal projects I am working on, am trying to get my college stuff together (which comes with various fees), figure out what to major in, and trying to figure out how to feel better physically and mentally (trying to be my own nutritionist and counselor and parent).

So I think I need to see a doctor and a dentist. I have insurance but even on insurance, things cost money, and my parents have none, or so little that I feel terrible asking for it. And I cannot even get household members to do things like not play loud music and shout and such when I have a migraine. They take any kind of request to modify their behavior personally. I could whisper it and bake them a cake with it and have the same response.

And if you are stalking me (you know me and have been trying to get a thrill out of finding me here and reading my posts with the idea that you're a genius spy and that I naively think I'm totally safe from your detection) here's all you need to be positive, and here's me saying that I guess it doesn't matter, because you wouldn't be helpful anyway and there's not much you could do to make it worse but be at my window with a gun. or if you think you're such a do-gooder and really care about me and that's why you've been stalking me, then take this and realize how screwed up it is and actually do something real to help out.

thanks

Merky

It's got to be hard to separate what you experience from a possible ASD and the great amount of stress you're under due to your family circumstances. Maybe that's why they resisted labeling you just yet and opted to deal with the symptoms individually. Both my brother and sister were having bizarre symptoms like parts of their body going numb and found out it was due to stress. I'm angry at your sister in France for you. Your parents just need to tell her they can't do it and she's just going to have to deal with it.What you need is solitude and quiet but I don't know how you could get to that. Maybe someone here will have some suggestions. Anyway I hope you find some solace here.