A Horribly Complicated Problem

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This will be a long post. There, I said it. Don't read on if you don't want to read a big story about a huge problem.

Three weeks ago, a friend that I love with all my heart told me she was considering taking the virginity of another friend of mine. Before this had happened, I had gotten used to taking on the traits of others. I would take what I saw as successful or anything I needed to succeed in life and make it my own, in terms of qualities. This is bad because by doing this, I made myself a giant jerk. This event brought me back to being my normal sensitive self. Which I think in some ways is good, because she's been more willing to talk to me and more willing to discuss a lot of things (I have talked about everything under the sun with this girl and she is the greatest person I have ever met). She told me she's not going to do anything like that with him, and I believe her now.

One week later, my friend (not her, the one she was considering taking away his virginity) is leaving to a college in another state. This is important because on the last day that he was here, she told me just yesterday when some paranoia got the best of me, that the worst she had done was hold his hand and kiss him. These two things make me horribly sick whenever I think about them, and I can't stop thinking about them.

Just yesterday, I told her everything that I felt about her. She didn't really know what to say, but she didn't hate me or get angry at me because of what I've said. Yet, even though I thought I would feel better if she didn't do anything with him (which she hasn't), knowing that she has held hands with him and kissed him makes me feel worse than thinking they might have done something. After all, those are more signs of love between two individuals than casual sex is.

I need help on this. Every time I think about them holding hands or kissing, to whatever degree they did it in, whether it was only on that night or had been going on for a while, I die not a little, but a LOT inside. I've screamed when other people are around because it hurts too much to think about it, and the stress from it has made me consider suicide more than once. I don't want to know how to make her love me back, I am confident (since he's gone now and it's mostly me that she has left to hang out with) that that will come in time.

But I need to know how to calm myself down. I don't want to ask her more questions about this, I just want to be free from this pain, and I need serious help.

It's been such a long time since I was in that situation that I can't really remember what I did. I think I just waited it out. It is horribly painful and it feels like it will never end, but over time, you do get through it and the pain gets easier to take.

Some people will tell you to throw your energy into something else. It helps a little. It might reduce the pain by 5%. It helps, but not much.

If you catch yourself obsessing about the subject, force yourself to think about something else. This takes quite a lot of disapline and I've never found it to work completely, but it helps a little.

If you have not had a lot of experiences going in and out of relationships, any set-back feels like you have lost everything. To give a more mundane example, I am currently trying to buy a house. The first time my offer was not accepted for a house I really wanted, I felt ready to give up on the whole thing, but after looking at more houses, I discovered that there are plenty of other ones that will work just fine for my needs. As a result, I now get less upset if I can't get any particular house.

This is not to minimize your relationship with this woman or the depth of the pain you are experiencing. I only provide this example to emphasize that with experience it gets a little easier to deal with. The main issue is to reduce the obsessive nature of your thinking.

Again, if you catch yourself thinking of things that drive you crazy, force yourself to think of other things. It's not easy, but it's an important step to reduce the stress.

Good luck