Something is missing and I can't explain

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Backstory:

I've been in survival mode for the past 5 years. I've been underemployed and deep into debt. I've been miserable and depressed. I have struggled with anxiety.

What the situation is now:

I'm finally gainfully employed as a Tech Support Engineer. I've paid off half my debt. My expenses are half what I make a month. I think I can call myself "successful" now. My only hope is that I can keep my hard-fought success.

But now that I'm not in survival mode, I notice a huge void in my life. I have everything I need and nearly everything I could want. But I sit and think about how incomplete I feel. I don't know what it is. Loneliness? Spiritual bankruptcy? I don't know. It's just bugging me. It's like I really don't know myself and I'm missing something from my life.

I don't know where to turn to.

I've felt like that before. Maybe you want a relationship?

That may be part of it, Alex. I'm surrounded by great people at work but they really aren't friends. You can be friends with people that may be voted off the island at any given point. People at my workpkace don't socialize outside of work. I live in an area where most people my age are married and have kids.

I wonder how old you are. If the 'thing' you described is some kind of loneliness please know that they say loneliness is worst in the age between 30's and 40's as most people marry, start a family etc etc. Loneliness or the feeling you describe, those 'black' (= dark minded) feelings wound people...

I do not want to give you 'advice', ( I hate it when people tell me what I should do best...) but to me it sounds that you seem to need more social input.

One can find that by starting social activities such as joining a club, do volontary works or so.
Or you can take classes on something you like to do, just to see if it is your thing. You get to know more people and you might develop more skills.

Last year I started drawing, as a result of creative therapy. It turned out pretty well. The things I made are paintings of colourful, fantasy creatures with all kinds of bright colours. The moment I was doing that some calm feeling came upon me. While doing that it opened the conversation between my innerself and my brain, that was very useful to find out how to handle my own feelings.

You can also make plans for your future to move to an area where there liver other people. In an area with less "happy families with children" you may feel better!

I hope you understand me and that my post is useful to you

I think you should analyze the good things in life and be optimistic.

I've found that you always need a good balance of things to do. Being an aspie, it is too easy to get stuck doing one thing completely, rather than balancing out different activities. I'm not saying to give up anything or to interrupt what you like to do to do something else, but when you are winding down on one project or activity, take a minute and think about how you can do something completely different. This semester I got too caught up with being president of a fraternity and it drove me nuts. I had stopped doing what I liked to do before, like playing with my computer and learning physics and reading the newspaper, so I made it a point to do those things. It took a few hours of playing with my computer to get me to shift gears and really understand that it was what I needed, so a few days later, I searched out another physics book and started reading. But I quickly became too overstimulated all the time and crashed to the point where I had to ignore all of my responsibilities. So, balance is key.

Sounds like you need to post here more often, BitterGeek! Glad to hear you're doing well in the professional sense.

I'm at the same transition point you were just in: I'm going from being continually anxious about money and being seriously depressed to finally making my job a real career and possibly being more independent than ever. It's not easy (never was, really). This job change requires a move and right now I'm all caught up in how to pull it off, financially and logistically. I've never been where I'm moving to so I have to start my in-person social life from scratch once I'm there. Social connections turned out to be a huge missing piece of mine.

I joined an online forum for people in my new area in hopes of learning about places and meeting members in real life. They even have a MySpace-type of thing where you can post a profile and get comments. If your area has something like that, it may be worth a shot - better than going out to bars and stuff. And don't rule out MySpace itself for finding people in your area. But definitely do what you can to network. You may not need a wife, but you do need some good close friends in your life. I hope you find plenty.

Cheers to our new success! [clinks glasses with BitterGeek]

Your Kindred Zed

Thanks, Zed.

Yeah, I am re-evaluating my social life (or lack thereof). I'm not sure if I'm ready to start dating again. Too scary. But at the same time, coming home to an empty apartment is becoming soul draining. Which explains why lots of singles get involved in the trap of comsumerism. You have an apartment full of IKEA but it's cold and empty.

I remember being a relaxed, well-adjusted person before all the crap I've had to go through to get here. I want that person back. I'm not sure if I going back into therapy is the way to go. I've got alot of deep stuff to cleanse before I can get back to being me.

I hear ya on your catch-22. I'd like someone to come home to once in a while, but my thing is that I don't want everything else that goes into a relationship. I've dated exactly once. And that was plenty. I'm not emotionally capbale of being in a full relationship, and somehow that's fine. You, however, sound like you really want a relationship and that it's just going to take some time before you're ready to pursue one again. I've heard the horror stories and can assure you that you DO NOT want to rush back onto the market in desperation. The extra time you spend getting your groove back will be worth it.

Now, about "cleansing": I don't know if you're really spiritual, but maybe yoga could work. It'll clear your mind a little bit, but unless you do it in a group, that won't help your other problem. For that, I'd recommend church. Not so much for the spirituallity, but for the fellowship and being able to meet new people outside of work. Also check out any local theatres or organizations you can get in with. Spending time with the right people can make all the difference.

Are you sure that's what you consider success, really? What is it you want? You can't find it until you know what it is, which seems like a Catch-22, but it's not, really. Might require a lot of soul-searching. But my advice (which I never take myself) is not to spend all your time doing that or you'll make yourself miserable.

If it were me, I'd try to stay physically active. I'd try to form some sort of communication bonds with someone(s) who have nothing whatsoever to do with work. Even joining a walking group isn't that outlandish - you get out, you walk, you listen to people, you're around people. Even if you feel the alien, they rub off a bit on you. You don't have to talk with them a lot, really. You just have to avoid letting yourself feel too much the alien around them. Listen to them. Tremendously banal and superficial sometimes. But sometimes not. You never know. But you're out of the apartment, and it's costing nothing in terms of money.

Yoga helps center oneself physically, and it might allow you to clear your mind enough to look at things a little more deeply without the day-to-day stuff in the way. And it's a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy. I use it a couple of times a week. It helps. And there's no hangover, either.

You might find something to do that's completely different than anything you've ever done, some way to give. Volunteer somewhere. Old folks home. Animal shelter. Filing clerk at the police station or visiting people in long-term-care hospitals for the aged/mentally ill/mentally challenged. Answering phones at some nonprofit who can't afford paid help. Delivering meals to the ill and/or elderly. "Giving" at least makes you not be sitting in an empty apartment, and you do some good for the world. What comes back to you from that, nobody can tell. But it might be good. And you'll get another perspective. Which usually is a good thing, in my experience.

Good luck. It's never an easy thing, I guess. Or we'd all have gotten there and know how to stay there.