You Need To Change

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I'm out of town visiting my family. And every time I do so, I get the "you need to change"speech. I'm sick of it. People are always trying to change me wherever I go. My uncle says, "you need to stop being so honest or else you aint ever gonna get a gf". "You need to stop having meltdowns before you be in jail getting booty f****d" "You need to act different or else you're gonna be using grease and jacking off for the rest of your life". I'm sick of it, last time it was my cousin who is a lesbian who says "you need to be an as*hole around girls, you're too nice"

I'm sick of this, I just wanna be left alone. None of these people ever went to college, I'm the only person in college out of all the people who try to change me. It's so annoying

and the next second they turn around and say "dont change, you're perfect". "Oh you're so smart, you're in college". OMG, its so annoying.

Last edited by Soledad on 13 Jul 2010, 4:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I'm in my 40s and still hearing it. *rolls eyes*...wish I had better news...

~Kate

How do you deal with this garbage?

I didn't ever get this from my parents or siblings. It was extended family members personally.

It used to upset me, too. But I realized there will ALWAYS be people out there who think they know better for me, that are contradictory and ridiculous. I don't know how, but I just let it all go. It stopped being important to me because I realized their opinions on how I act or what I say doesn't matter. It's not like I'm going to change who I am. I am who I am. So, they can talk til they're blue in the face and it's not going to matter. So, if it's not going to matter, why let it bother us?

You're obviously an intelligent person. I'm sure you can figure out a way to ignore it as best you can until it really no longer bothers you. I suspect, and you can tell me I'm wrong here as only you would know, but I suspect that there's a part of you that is worried about the outcomes they're predicting (i.e. no gf), and that's why their comments hurt and annoy so much. Once you deal with that insecurity, it shouldn't be so disconcerting anymore. Good luck to you

Yes I am more worried that they are right, than what they actually say. I try to not focus on girls because I know the only way I can get one right now is to change how I act or my personality and I'm not willing to do that because I've done it once, and people told me to change more and more and more, and I hated it. and I hated the person I was. Or I can just forget about a gf and let a girl come around who will like me for me. and that may be years from now or never, but at least I'll be a little bit happy/ My uncle ( my moms brother ) tells me I need some p****, and it;s true. Im not going to lie. but there's nothing I can do about that, unless I wanna change my personality and I'm not willing to do that. I understand that to get something you want you have to give up something else you like. I like who I am, so i have to give up having a gf for the moment. But if I get a gf, it would probably because I gave up the person I am. I'm in college, and during high school I had to give up time from suff I wanted to do to make the grade. that's just how life is.

I am so sorry. Family members think they can say whatever they want to each other, and that is why I have become rather pessimistic as far as family goes. My two oldest siblings are the worst. They like to nitpick every strange habit I have and even make me feel ashamed of it. They say that my mom is too easy on me and needs to give me a bigger push. It took me a month to get over what my brother said about me talking to myself. He authoritatively advised me, "You really should not talk to yourself. People will be very judgmental of you and think you are schizophrenic." I told him that I only do it in my room. He said "Still, it is a very bad habit to have. If you need to talk to something, talk to the cats. Talking to yourself can become a problem if you do it too often." It makes me mad when people say something is a bad habit when clearly it does you no harm. The only harm you get is stigma from other people, which is their problem. If I wanted to walk around town naked, that would be a different story because I could potentially traumatize a lot of people.

heatherbabes is right, you just have to let most of that roll off your back and ignore it, it never stops. OTOH, you will find that over time you will make certain concessions and changes to survive. Its an NT dominated world, if we're going to live in it, we have to play their game as far as we can, which admittedly is only so far and then we're screwed.

The people who are bugging you now are trying to fill your head with homespun folksy macho BS that may work for them, but will never work for you because you are using a completely different neural OS than the one in their heads. Their system also only works on others like them, so any potential lover you could attract with their methods would be someone you wouldn't really get on with anyway. Stop worrying about an imaginary GF and concentrate on finding meaning in your own life - a hobby or a job that you enjoy and that allows you to feel like you've accomplished something.

As you've noted yourself, the GF experience will come when it comes - always better to meet someone you actually enjoy knowing, than end up with someone who bores you and insists that you change to be like her. Can you imagine having a GF only to find that she doesn't get you, either and wants to tell you constantly how you have to change, just like your family does? Hookup with the wrong person, just to have a GF and that's exactly what you'll get.

You guys all make good points and you guys are all right, thank you

Uhhh. Well. I get this ALL THE TIME! I so get it!! ! Just WOW! Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya!! ! OMG! SUPER YA!! !! !! I get the whole you need to change do this to better in life etc. OMG! YA! I'm so happy and excited right now that I'm not the only one that deals with this OMG! YA! YA YA! Awesome topic!

Agreed. There are always peoples that think they have the right to run other peoples lives.

Do I get those comments? Sometimes like this aunt that keeps telling me that i should get a boyfriend because I have never had one before.(I have no desire for one).

One minute they try and change things about me like the way I dress, the next they say I am all right the way I am

Yea so stupid. I am glad I'm back at school now, now I can focus on my obsessions because the social world is ridiculous.

It never stops. Develop as thick a skin as you can.

I usually get those comments from family, but I don't let it bother me. The way I see it, they have their own problems. They have their own flaws, but they do not want to change them (too much work) so they would rather change you. Their is a fine line between genuine advice and projecting their image of themselves onto you.

Hope this helps

Don't think it'll ever really stop with my family. I don't get it as badly, but it's still damn frustrating! But I agree with heatherbabes, I get it more from extended family who aren't around me very often (I guess my direct family is used to how I act to a degree, though that doesn't disclude them completely).



And who says you have to give up on being who you truly are to get a gf! That's just not right. I think you're only thinking about the most NT girls out there. In the end, you don't want to be dating someone where you have to pretend you're not really you all the time. You'll find someone, these things just take time.

Willard is right when he says "Their system also only works on others like them, so any potential lover you could attract with their methods would be someone you wouldn't really get on with anyway." I have learned this the hard way. I've been married over 25 years to someone who has been trying to get me to change. I can't. I have tried. He accuses me of not trying. In the last 2 or 3 months I really haven't been, and guess what? I still get accused of not trying...well, how is that any different? He's also been bugging me to "find out what's wrong with me" for over 20 years. I did. It's AS, and he doesn't like that because it isn't something I can just take a pill for and change, or go to a shrink and "work on". So don't listen to that crap. You'll just end up in a bad relationship. When I was your age, AS wasn't even diagnosed, so I couldn't take it into account, but you can.

As far as how to deal with ppl saying those things, I know it's hard to let those things go. I have a hard time doing it, but that's really all you can do. Right now I'm struggling to not care what my husband thinks or says, and trying to move on with my life. I'm never going to be NT, and he doesn't seem to be willing to accept that, so I need to make some decisions.

~Kate

Yeah. I agree. and also it seems all the people who tell me to change never done anyt of the things I did or been through the things I've been through. These people never got straight As or went to college. These people arent very smart. these people havent been bullied. What if i told them to get better grades, go to college, be smarter...they wouldnt wanna do that. But when it's something social everyone expects that people can change it, or should be willing to change it.