Very conflicting emotions

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A few days ago I finally broke up with my boyfriend. We'd been together over 6 years and have a kid together.

Like most relationships that end really badly, it started out pretty much fairytale. I literally have no family to rely on, and until very recently had no close friends and hadn't in years, at least none that were less than 300+ miles away. I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, had only been away from a very abusive exstep father for a year and had just emancipated myself. So I did the stupid thing and jumped into the first pair of seemingly caring arms I could find. I thought I'd finally found someone who cared. He wasn't possessive (I always have got on better with guys so tend to talk to them a lot more easily and that never bothered him, even when things got bad), and only protective when appropriate (someone starting a fight or if I felt sick). I was in heaven for nearly a year. Then he stopped taking no for an answer if I got into one of those moods where touch made me not feel right. At first it just seemed more like he got caught up in things and didn't hear me, but after a few months it got much worse. He started doing it in his sleep and there was nothing I could do to stop him. A couple of times I managed to wake him up and he broke down every time. He really seemed to regret it and be so scared that he was doing it without being aware. I started shutting down any time he touched me. After a few months he didn't seem to regret it anymore, would get really mad if I said no, said I was neglecting him. And I believed him. He started spending all our money regardless of bills due or food or even if we could get to work the next day. He started taking my car without asking and would get really angry if I asked that he asked first. His friends would leave huge messes in the car, push the stuff I had in it to the floor and trample it, and talk him into hours long drives that would often leave me either no gas or literally no car to get to work in. If I hid the keys or my purse and money he would get worse, scream at me for any little thing, grab at me constantly, and tell me it was my fault. I don't know why I didn't leave. At first when I'd try he'd break down crying. I loved him and hated seeing him so hurt. I'd make excuses for why he was that way, it's not like his growing up was any better than mine. For a while he'd go back to how he was in the beginning and I'd convince myself it was finally over. Those times were shorter each time. They stopped happening at all about two years ago. He'd use that I wouldn't leave against me, telling me I must want it like that. I don't even know if that's not true anymore. I keep wishing he'd come back and just be like he used to. I'd give anything to feel cared about for real again. I wasn't something I'd felt in a very long time when I got with him and I think I stayed for those brief times when it would be like that again. All the rest almost seemed a fair price to pay. But in the last year I've become so bitter and hateful to everything but my little boy.

For the last few days I've been so up and down emotionally that I'm starting to feel a little motion sick like I've been on a rollercoaster for too long, lol. For a couple hours I'll be so happy and energetic. I don't feel weighed down anymore, I don't have to hide my car keys or my purse or be constantly alert for what he is doing, if he's going to grab at me again or get angry at me. Then that lightness turns to emptiness for a couple hours and I just feel so lonely. I keep thinking if it's not him it'll be someone else down the road if I don't stay alone. It doesn't help that my family is mad that I left him and my friend that I have told keeps acting making these comments that lean towards I'm doing him a favor. Granted we have only been friends for about half a year so she has only seen the tail end of the relationship and I haven't told her what lead up to how I'd react when he'd touch me or why I'd get so upset when he took the car or why I'd ask if he had the card or any of the cash if he was leaving with his friends. All she saw was my pacing and checking the clock if he had a car or flinching away if he went to hug or kiss me or him going on about how the bank account was empty (I'd started scheduling bill pay on my paydays, and paying more than was due then withdrawing all the rest and buying food and hiding what was left over to cover gas about a year ago and he hated it. I pretty much had to spend faster than he could or there'd be nothing and no bills would be paid. I felt so guilty everytime I bought anything for myself and would usually hide it or lie and say my grandmother bought it) so I can see why she has this view. Still makes me feel like I was the abusive one somehow. I've had to stop myself from calling and asking him to come back so many times. On the other hand the house is clean for once, I have money in my account and even though I still keep feeling like I have to hurry and spend it, I don't really have to (hopefully that feeling will eventually go away, it'd be nice to save up some for once and not feel broke all the time).

I haven't seen him in about four days, but I'm going to have to eventually. I know he's going to want to see our son eventually and I don't want to cut him out of his life. Our son really loves him and has been very upset (I've been trying to explain that daddy is not going to be living at our house any more and it might be a while before he comes back. I really have no idea when he'll come back). I want to make the custody arrangements and child support set up without going to court over it if possible, but I don't know if that will happen. He's not technically employeed and just gets paid as a general contractor by a couple different companies, so theirs no paper trail for the courts to determine child support off of. I don't really want my son alone around him either until he's gone through counseling or anger management or something. The thing I'm the most scared of is with my family preferring him for the most part and me being an aspie and bipolar, that if it goes to court I'll lose my son. I can't prove what he was doing to me, I'm getting garnished and he's not because of how he gets his pay, I was hospitalized for postpartum depression right after having our son and I have no one on my side. I've been thinking of just packing us up and leaving. If I'm far enough away I know he'll just give up, but it seems so unfair to do that to my kid, not to mention I'd be giving up a good day job with good benefits and having to give up on my small business and sign that all over to my partners. It seems like it'd be simpler just to go back with him and bear it.

wow, that was a lot longer and lot more ranty than I thought it'd be

Barbedlotus, I'm sorry to hear your story. Not sure if I can offer any advice, as your relationship seems to have spiralled downwards pretty badly. Your boyfriend seems to have lost the plot and is acting like a child; no wonder you don't like him touching you much any more.

As for your parents preferring him, I understand how you feel. I would suggest pre-empting this by reminding them that you are their flesh and blood, not him, and you need their support and for them to listen to your side of the story. Tell them how you feel, how he acted (basically what you've written here) and if they've any cop on, they'll listen. They will always love you more; you're their daughter.

That certainly sounds like he was quite abusive to you. Often abusers have techniques to keep people from leaving them, and it sounds like he was using some of those techniques on you - especially where you say

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, and I hope that you're feeling a lot safer, now.