yet more of me

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It has occured to me that in a lot of ways I am more fearless in what I say here than in real life. I've spoken about things about my mind here that I never speak about around my family, friends or even psychiatrists. I've just had a lot of bad experiences in my life in which I talked about my psychological troubles with people and they just teased me or told me to "suck it up". When people tell me to "suck it up" I wish they'd just give me the finger. It would convey the same message, just more clearly. I don't trust anyone to know a lot of the inner workings of my mind outside this site. It's an emotional dependency, I admit it. I'm a bit embarrased by it, partly because someone I know is emotionally dependant on me and I know how it feels to be on the recieving end.

This is a place where I can say things and people will speak to me as though I said something smart and won't be demeaning towards me. People on this site seem to like what I say more than people in real life or people on other sites. I'm dependent on this site not just for compassion, but also for feeling awesome. Everyone likes to feel awesome right? I don't get that feeling much in real life outside of my cart-pushing job. I want to continue my education, but I keep getting held back by my own fear of school that comes from what I went through in high school. I know I talk about my high school experiences a lot, but it was truly terrible. I'm afriad that if I go back to school the people there are going to be just as mean as they were in high school. I tried to take a creative writing course earlier this year, but I quit early on because I sucked at the work and the other students there were big and mean looking. That was earlier this year, when I was already member here. I didn't talk about it then because I was embarrased by it, but here I am talking about it now. I try to keep up writing, but I have high standards for what I write and thus I constantly find myself with writer's block and I don't feel comfortable sharing what I write with anyone outside of my close friends and family. I'm always afraid of my writing not being good enough, and yet I want to succeed. That contradiction is ripping my mind in half. I would cry, but when I turned 13 I lost the ability to do so.

When I look back at high school I realize that a lot of what happend in high school has become permenently ingrained in my mind. During high school I was a total jerk to an aspie who had been my best friend earlier on, and he's now my best friend again. He told my mom that he was right there if I ever needed him. I bet most of my trust of other autistics in general comes from that. During those times my mom and stepdad hated my bad behavior while my biological dad seemed to encourage some aspects of it and now I have a grudge against by biological father that my mother finds cruel and excessive. Most girls ignored me in high school, but there were some eccentric ones that seemed to like me and now I feel comfortable around strange women in general, particularly ones who remind me of the ones from high school. The people who were kindest to me during those times without encouraging my bad behavior were all eccentric. Many of them were mysogynistic or racist, but they still were nice to me and still haven't gotten over how strange it is that many of the the people who were there for me in the darkest hour of my life were predudiced, hateful individuals.

Overall I don't talk about myself with anyone who isn't in any way strange. I don't trust most people to not tease.

Also, I find myself constantly hoping that somewhere there is someone who is going through the exact same thing as me. I constantly hope that that person is reading my posts and feeling better. I admit that a big part of why I post on this site is just in case that person actually exists. I guess I just want there to be someone else exactly like me who I therefore can fully trust. Narcissistic, I know.

It has occured to me that maybe I've been to hard on my biological father. I think he's nuts (in a bad way), but he's still my father. I should see him sometime, but I dread doing so.

You're always right there when I need you aren't you conundrum? I feel so unworthy.
I'm laughing now, it's a happy laugh.

I'll try to go back to school, maybe if I can overcome my fear I'll be able to do better.

Well, don't feel unworthy. Many of your postings have helped me feel better, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

If there's one thing that I hate, more than anything in the world, it's to suck it up. I can't stand that expression. Suck it up, is a stupid thing to say, to anybody, who's bearing their troubles, to the world. If I had a dime, for each time, that I was told to suck it up, I would be rich. I hope that you get the respect, that you deserve, soon.