Frustrated with mother (and immediate family)

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...(and everyone else, really)

My mother has a few friends whose kids are autistic/bipolar/schizophrenic/etc., and she seems fascinated by how weird they are. Every time she goes to their house, she'd report back to the rest about the family about the weird things those kids do, and my family seems to... take pleasure in the fact that someone out there is worse off than they are? I think it's a bit like watching reality TV for them, except for instead of a TV there's my mother, and instead of C-list celebrities there are our acquaintances.

And I'm annoyed because even though they know autism/bipolar/etc. is a disorder, they don't seem to really understand it. They took offense at the suggestion that my late aunt (who was extremely paranoid and was always seeing/hearing things) was possibly schizophrenic and reasoned that "she was just weird." They also didn't want to accept that my other aunt was forever depressed and argued that "she was just sad." They're always yelling at my OCD father for not having enough will power to stop washing his hands and locking/unlocking the door 100 times a day. And God forbid they recognize my social ineptness and various quirkiness as signs that I'm--for lack of better words--a little bit crazy.

I mean... why can't they just accept mental illnesses as illnesses and stop attaching stigma to them?

And this goes for the rest of the world, too.

Sounds like my son's paternal grandmother. Her father was clearly very aspie (possibly high functioning autistic) with very ritualised behaviours and mannerisms. The man's been dead for nearly twenty years, and they still regale everyone, including strangers, with his peculiarities. They never understood why I didn't laugh along with them while they mercilessly dissected this man's life. I hated it. They also would splay out the peculiarities of anyone they knew who wasn't perfectly normal... including their own son (my ex) who is definitely aspie. But they don't believe that, and they don't believe my son is aspie either. Yet, for all that, when guests come round, instead of getting out the photograph album like anyone else, they do the equivalent of a vivisection on the kitchen room table... and then wonder why they have no friends.

It is a very ugly hobby, and most NTs can't stand it. But some people are obsessed with how much better they are than other people, and to that end can behave in very cruel ways. Your mother probably doesn't realise just how ugly her gossip is, because others in the family validate her behaviour. In that case you're going to find it hard to break that pattern. I'm ever so sorry... this kind of behaviour was a factor in my breaking up with my son's father. It was just excruciating. I don't know what I can advise you... other than to say, you are the sane one.

Sounds like my extended family... especially my g-mom who says crap about the special ed kids she helps at school

My mother has always tended to bring up the failings of other people, and while she can see that she has her own, the overwhelming emphasis of her comments is how others are less effective and skilled than her. When I lived with my parents, I got caught up in this sort of behavior and tended to look only at other people's flaws. But when I moved out, I realized that I was doing this to my friends and that wasn't the kind of friend I wanted to be. I had to work to keep in mind the good qualities of others and I still have some difficulty with it, but with effort, I can.

My mother still does runs people down quite a lot despite my demanding she try to take a more balanced view on my friends, so mostly I try not to bring up the subject of my friends when I talk to her. If she brings it up, I just try not to draw out the conversation.

My mother's comments really aren't directed at people with ASD. In fact I think she would see people on the autism spectrum as more intelligent and worthy of respect than normal people, but it is nevertheless an annoying prejudice. I think she does this because it makes her feel like less of a failure in her own life. The absurd thing is she is really quite a competent person in her own right and has no need of running others down to make herself look okay.

My mom does not seem to have a lot of respect for my autistic dad. She thinks she can say whatever she wants to him, at any tone, thinking that she is trying to help him by nagging him to be more sociable. I say it only makes the relationship worse, and I honestly think the best thing they can do is get divorced. Neither of them really care to understand each other, they just want to be critical. I have been dying to move out for such a long time because of the unbearable arguments that went on in the background.