Butter Knife

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I pushed it hard in to my wrist, I knew it wouldn't cut. I just thought that on the off chance that it actually did, I wouldn't of stopped myself because it was an accident.

I hate being depressed.

I sleep deprive myself and deprive myself of food and sunlight.

Don't. You deserve to live well.

Jookia, don't deprive yourself of sleep, food, or sunlight. This will only make your depression worse. Please don't listen to the suicidal thoughts, I get them but I ignore them, life can only get better if you think well of yourself. Trust me Jookia I had hit a slump such as this many years ago and I'm glad I didn't kill myself because since then I've learned that my purpose for existing is to help better the lives of others.

My depression won't lift.

You cannot look at the future with a veil of sadness over your face.

But I am.

Would you rather live an eternity rotting in hell because you threw your life away as an answer to you problems or would you rather feel depressed for an indefinite period of time, not knowing the next day could make you happy again...?

What happens today is old news, what happens tomorrow is something new...

I don't believe in any form of afterlife. It seems like a scare tactic. I also will never be able to believe in wizards or demons.

Your use of a knife, even though it wouldn't cut you, disturbs me. My concern is that you might take small steps toward a real attempt by acclimating yourself to small, but ever more deadly acts. I think this is kind of a suicide-by-degrees and indicates that you really need to do some serious work find your way out of your depression.

I understand that this is real hard work. In my own case I sometimes find things that help to reduce my depression and once the pressure is off, I stop doing them and find myself having to re-learn how to pull myself out of a depression. It's something you have to keep working at and re-learning over and over.

Here are a few things that work for me. I hope one or more of them may help you.

Take vitamin B-12 and B-Complex. Vitamin D seems to help a bit too. I am a vegetarian so it is particularly important for me to take supplements. I find that if I forget to take them for a few days, I will become depressed for no apparent reason (that is until I remember I haven't taken my vitamins.)

Exercise. A 30 minute walk after dinner or in the morning can do a huge amount to lift your mood. It doesn't have to be strenuous, just enough to bring up your energy levels a bit. You may find that if you walk every day, that you will have the energy to exercise more. This also helps with insomnia just so long as you have enough time to "cool down" after your walk before you go to bed.

If you take melatonin for insomnia, only take it just before you would normally go to sleep. If you take it outside of your normal sleep cycle (for example, you wake up at 3 in the morning so you take melatonin to get back to sleep) it can trigger very strong depression upon waking the next morning.

Find an aerobic exercise that you enjoy enough to do a few times a week. I enjoy cycling and would do it even if I didn't need the exercise. But due to the summer heat recently, I got out of the habit. But when I woke up last Monday feeling depressed, I forced myself to do a 45 minute ride every morning. My mood improved quickly. It may take some experimentation to find an exercise that works for you. If you don't know what would work off hand, try as many as you can think of and ask others for suggestions. Swimming works for some people, jogging for others, whacking a tennis ball against a wall might do it for you. The key here is to do some kind of exercise that gets you moving. It can be quite amazing how much it can help.

Get professional help if you can. Sometimes just having someone to blow off steam to can be useful, but it is important not to fall into the trap of finding someone who will support a self defeating world view. A good psychologist will try to keep you from focusing on self defeating ideas even when they feel comforting. (For example a person might decide that the world is against him even though this point of view is more likely to reinforce a tendency toward isolation and passivity) Sometimes the best thing for you is to just get a chance to scream and yell. Other times you need to be told you are going in a bad direction.

If you drink alcohol make sure you keep it under control. If you drink enough, it can keep you from getting enough exercise which can increase depression. (I know this one from plenty of personal experience)

You write "I deprive myself of food and sunlight [and sleep]" It seems to me that this would only increase the depression. It sounds like you might have the idea that you deserve depression. You don't! But unfortunately you have been burdened with it. No one can wave a magic wand and fix it for you. Others can help, but ultimately you have to do the real work of climbing out of the hole. It might help to set yourself the problem of reducing depression by slow degrees. You need to recognize that it will not happen over night, but if you do a little bit every day to reduce the depression, over time you will feel a great deal better. Start small. Take a short walk today. Make sure you eat well - fruits and vegetables and little if any junk food. Get sleep. Get sunlight. Tomorrow, take a little longer walk. Find an aerobic exercise that you can do for 5 minutes or an hour. Do a little bit today. Do a little bit more tomorrow. Recognize that this is all difficult work, but that, if taken in small steps, it is doable.

Good luck.

I'm a pathetic waste of space; I live a luxury life with computers, food and no need to pay money due to me being a child, fixing depression requires effort and I'm too much of a waste of space to even attempt anything that you've said.

I'm going to starve myself and if I eat, I'll keep trying until I get something right for once: suicide.

[quote][quote="jagatai"]u.

Take vitamin B-12 and B-Complex. Vitamin D seems to help a bit too. I am a vegetarian so it is particularly important for me to take supplements. I find that if I forget to take them for a few days, I will become depressed for no apparent reason (that is until I remember I haven't taken my vitamins.)

Exercise. A 30 minute walk after dinner or in the morning can do a huge amount to lift your mood. It doesn't have to be strenuous, just enough to bring up your energy levels a bit. You may find that if you walk every day, that you will have the energy to exercise more. This also helps with insomnia just so long as you have enough time to "cool down" after your walk before you go to bed.

If you take melatonin for insomnia, only take it just before you would normally go to sleep. If you take it outside of your normal sleep cycle (for example, you wake up at 3 in the morning so you take melatonin to get back to sleep) it can trigger very strong depression upon waking the next morning.

The key here is to do some kind of exercise that gets you moving. It can be quite amazing how much it can help.

Get professional help if you can. Sometimes just having someone to blow off steam to can be useful, but it is important not to fall into the trap of finding someone who will support a self defeating world view. A good psychologist will try to keep you from focusing on self defeating ideas even when they feel comforting. (For example a person might decide that the world is against him even though this point of view is more likely to reinforce a tendency toward isolation and passivity) Sometimes the best thing for you is to just get a chance to scream and yell. Other times you need to be told you are going in a bad direction.

quote][/quote

I agree with Jagatai. After struggling with depression / fatigue etc. a very intelligent doctor did some blood tests and realized that my body doesn't absorb vitamin b-12 or vitamin D. Getting prescription doses of these drugs (B-12 as an injection) has changed my life! The body's requirements for proper nutrition can not be understated!

If you really are feeling this depressed then find a doctor. A psychologist/psychiatrist is a good choice, but don't over look just a general practitioner and having some blood work done if you are abnormally fatigued.

Jookia, these views of you feeling like you are not worth anything are NOT true.
Please stay healthy, true friend.
I just know that you will rise out of any depression that you feel.
Depression sucks, but we feel it sometimes; it does not have to persist or even exist.
You are strong though, friend.
No feelings of pain or self doubt need to persist.
Feel special and appreciate who YOU are, my dear friend.
Have a great day, and feel many great days ahead for you deserve it. ^^
You CAN feel safe and well. ^^
*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG*

i did almost the same thing when i was about your age - or maybe 14. honestly. i was at my lying/stealing/bullying 'friend's house next door and i felt so lost and alone. i was sitting on her kitchen counter while she got ready to go somewhere and i picked up a steak knife. i wanted very badly to cut my fingers right off.

i didn't do it, obviously. but it was the worst time in my life. i had a great deal of very dark things in my head, and i switched schools the next year because of the problems i was having. a teacher noticed and cared, and i guess the teacher told my parents about the stuff i had going on. it helped to have someone care.

later on, my shrink referred to these types of things as 'suicidal ideations'. kinda didn't know how serious my own thoughts were - that i really didn'tcare about myself and whether i made it out okay. i am better now, but i totally know that your path must be very hard right now. apathy about your own life and self-care is a form of suicidal ideation i think.

your experiences and thoughts are unique, but you are not alone. the hardest part is deciding whether you want to live or not.

When you are in the midst of a deep depression you may feel useless. You may feel like you are consuming resources and returning nothing. It can be next to impossible to see how anything could be different. But if you can get past that depression you WILL start to see life with a bit more hope. You are valuable. You are still quite young. It is terrible that you should be burdened with such depression at your age. It may not really help to hear this right now, but it will get better.

Some people think their teens should be some of their best years. I think for Aspies there is no doubt that they are some of the hardest years of life. It is a struggle to get through them, but you can get through this pain and when you move on to college or work that suits your personality, it can get easier.

You can do things to help yourself. This is not your fault. Recognize that a small effort now, if you nurture it and allow it to grow, can pay off quite quickly. I think speaking to a doctor could be very helpful to you. They may be able to recommend approaches to combating this depression that we here might not know of. You can find your way to a better life.

If there is anything you can suggest that might help us to help you, please tell us. I think it's fair to say that everyone here wants to see you get through this.

I wish you the best of luck,

Lars

Depression can lift. Don't lose hope.

Depression always lifts. I thought that when I went through my long spell of depression it would always be there, but it lifted. You need to find that secret key that makes you happy again.