Damn...I need a DELETE BUTTON

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for my BRAIN.

I seriously don't get this thing (I don't know if it's an NT thing or if it's just a non-Kate thing) where people actually LIKE having memories of things they did with people they're no longer in a relationship (friendship, romantic relationship, marriage, family relationship, whatever) with. When one of those memories pops up in MY brain, it immediately feels like a hot sharp thing sticking through my chest repeatedly because I know I've lost that person and it's like "nyah nyah you'll never feel THAT way again"...and then the pain escalates from THERE. I hate it...it compounds the problem that I have a very vivid memory and the more I cared for the person the more painful the memory is to have. Sh!t, I heard the song my husband and I roller skated to on our first date yesterday and I nearly had a meltdown. Last night I had a dream about my friend who now doesn't want to talk to me, and this morning I got so depressed I cried for an hour (and given I am still recovering from a concussion the headache that resulted lasted all day). I would give anything to be able to delete memories when relationships fall apart so at the very least I don't have to deal with this. I really don't "get" this "at least you have the memories" crap. All I can think of is how I no longer have the person in my life (or not the same way as I had him or her in my life before). F*ck...I just want to wipe them all out, but I can't. These are "good" memories, but they're not GOOD for me.

Argh...

~Kate

That's what the history eraser button must be for. It's at the end of the 'space madness' video.

http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/animation/watch/v14085830Cq24yFjf

LMAO!! ! You wouldn't have to tune in next week to see if I pushed the button I have grown to despise memories when the good situations in those memories no longer exist.

~Kate

Same history eraser button here too!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=470DRTsj424[/youtube]

Unfitting music? If I could erase my memories that way....hmmm....LOLOL....

~Kate

Well -

one of my very hard near misses I had [SO confident] carefully never taken a picture. so all I had to do was burn every letter or scrap of connection with her] Carefully avoided remembering what I could ignore, activities, etc.

Later came into the same town and avoided looking her uo.

So yeah - BUT -

News flash - time actually clears things up. If there is enough of it. I saw her again [wondered what did I EVER see in her], can and do remember talks and walks and gooxd things and tones of voice.

When it is new [and new can last quite a while, I grant you] it is hot and sharp and everything is horrible. But things shift - and when they do what was GOOD is good again.

Possibly helpful hint - in this mode I have productively played over and over Crystal Gayle's "I'll Get Over You" words and music ny me great.

For me it helps to objectify them, see them as nothing but chemical impulses, imbalances in the brain, even suppress if necessary. (Numbness is my middle name).

Past is long gone, we shouldn't grant her power over us, this present moment is all we have (or don't have).

Wishing you all the best!

Thanks...I'm trying to do the "numb" thing the best I can, because it's the only way I can stay sane and functional. A delete button would be a hell of a lot better, because it would allow me to focus on the present a lot more, but nothing like that has been invented....well, there are things that *could* do that but they'd cause other problems....argh...

~Kate

I've been depressed for the past pretty much year because of reasons similar to this. It's AWFUL to remember someone who either doesn't like you, who you'll never see again for some reason or another and who you cared about a LOT. Makes my life miserable. I'd hit myself in the head or paint a closet and close the door so I'd lose my memory but I need to retain my overy-large ego and political genius.

I could use that delete button right about now... ohhh best friend... where have you gone? I can still hear your voice... and I can still smell your perfume...

Ugh, that's horrible.

I had a close friendship end such that it was like that. Try to do better than me and not waste 10 years like that.

I think distractions are helpful. I actually lost a lot of distractions at the time, which I think is why it went on so long.

I'm trying to distract myself. What I really hate is that when I'm doing that (like reading something, or translating (yeah, I do that for distraction), or listening to music, or photography) and something comes up that provokes a memory. THAT just drives me NUTS. I hope I don't waste 10 years...ugh, I'm in my 40s. It would help SO much if ppl would explain why they do the things they do and why they change the way they feel about us and/or whether they want to be with us or not. I never understand it and it just obsesses me because then I'm left to think about it and of course I come up with all sorts of badness and most likely 90 percent of it is self-loathing BS but how the hell am I supposed to know the difference if nobody sees fit to explain what went wrong?????

I just hate this whole personal interaction thing, but loneliness sucks too.

~Kate

Have you tried with meditation? That is the only thing that ever really helped me (apart from reading on the issue/talking to some people) in order to eradicate the influence of the past on the present. It helps not to be so at mercy of external and internal stimuli and it also helps to be more in the present moment, more objective and less emotional.

Also I think it's crucial that you don't blame yourself for whatever has happened/is happening - taking responsibility is one thing, but needlessly blaming yourself will only exacerbate the problem, and might even make you ill. As long as you're doing the best you can that is enough!

Of coursem, there is the opposite course. One big relationship death, I spent a while wallowing in frankly depressingly sentimental music. For me, the thing about emotive music is I can listen to the singer feeling all that pain and it helps smoothe out my pan more than just feeling it would.

Whatever works.

Geez, if I wallow any more I'll drown

Meditation (especially some of the techniques described by the book I read by this Buddhist nun) is about the *only* thing that has given me *any* relief other than work.

It's very hard not to blame myself when my husband says I'm 100% at fault for what happened to our marriage...even when other relationships fall apart I tend to blame myself, even when I rationally know it's not my fault or even anyone's fault. He's been saying that for years, and I try very hard not to believe it, but it's difficult.

~Kate