I'm going to kill myself in a couple of hours.

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This kind of carries on from this topic I made a while ago.
As you can see, I'm alive. A lot has happened since November, so I'm afraid there'll be a load of crap to read through again.

Okay. I left the house just when I said I was. It was a freezing day but I made the decision not the ware a coat as I was afraid that my mum would hear it make a noise as I left the house. I ran. Quickly ran out of breath, so I just left myself to walk. It was pretty much just that, a walk, obviously I was extremely depressed but I remained focused on walking. Couldn't really think much until I was near to the bus stop and I walked past a nursery, and I suppose the thought of how happy and normal I was when I was in one myself dimmed everything quite bluntly, my thought were still pretty tangled and were still locked on walking though. I got to the bus stop and stood there in the freezing cold. It was horrible, but I could never of done anything to stop myself from doing this. I did what I was going to do, I went on every buss, and looked. I told the bus drivers that I was looking for someone and none of them minded me looking. I did this for hours but for some reason I got no luck... that was great, this was the last thing Laura needed, I'm very pleased my plan didn't work now, but at the time my head and feelings gave me this unbelievably black feeling... and my mind just... shut down... like a computer crashing, and all that was left was my body telling me "It's cold. Go somewhere warm." I got the nearest bus even though it was going in completely the wrong direction from both the train tracks and home. It didn't get too far before it reached the end of the line. I pretty much begged him to let me stay on as the bus turned around but he wasn't having it. I was left in the freezing in the middle of nowhere. The feeling was like nothing I had ever felt before.

Dale's was by far the closest place to where I was, so my body was telling me to go there, even though Laura was next door. It was horrible, I was even about to lie on the floor and stay there until things got better, but I forced myself to continue, and I made it to Dale's. I sat on the couch and peacefully absorbed the pleasant feeling from being warm, and the company of the happy, normal family around me. I still couldn't do anything but sit and stare, though. Ironically Dale's little sister said that I looked like I was dead. I suppose Dale's dog managed to bring some life into me, when it began walking over me and licking me I couldn't help but smile. I love animals better than people. That was pretty much the only thing that could make me happy at the time. So yeah I assumed Dale's dad to give me a lift back and be did. That's but me taking advantage of peoples mess I suppose, me being the horrible person I was. My mum was obviously upset when I got back, but she was kind of used to it. I went to bed with such a terrible feeling that night.

I had a meeting with my psychologist the next morning. It was different than normal. I had to come in with my mum and this 'positive futures' woman. Hm. Well I couldn't tell my psychologist while my mum was there so I had to sit through it. It took ages, and she kept making arrangements for me to go with these places with her in the following week. After the whole thing was over I asked Jamie to speak with him in private. I still didn't want to tell him, I knew he had to tell stuff like that to my parents and really didn't want them to get upset. I drop hints and he picked them up. He invited my mum back in with me and left the room. He spent age outside the room making a phone calls so in the hour he did this in I managed to gave my mum a basic idea of what happened and she didn't get upset. It turned out he was arranging for me to go to a psychiatric ward. I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not but I felt I needed to get away from everything so I agreed with it. I get the impression now that I would have been forced to go anyway so that doesn't really matter, he still let me go home for a bit first to get my stuff though. I was informed that an ambulance was coming to collect me but it was hours late and was extremely dark when it finally came. It was a very long ride as it was from Liverpool to Chester. I really didn't know what to think.

So I got there. It was part of a hospital and you needed this special fob to get in and out. It was decorated very plainly and was very small... but I liked it. All there was a central room with a TV and a big couch in where pretty much everyone spent their time while they were awake, a small dining area and three corridors that lead to peoples room with a chair in the middle of them, but I found this somewhat cosy. Most of the staff were very nice, and apart from the TV there was also a Pool Table, a Table Tennis table, a Table Football table, a Xbox 360. a Wii, Books and board games. Resident wise, there were 8 others, who all seemed to be there for depression. I suppose the first one what talked to me was Josh, who seemed like quite a nice lad if not a tinsy bit odd (but nothing compared to how odd I am). The only other guys there at the time were Tom, didn't seem as nice, always seemed to have an in your face attitude and had clear anger problems. and Martin a very odd guy who spent most of the time in his room and hardly ever talked, and was hard to understand when he did... maybe he too had some kind of Autism. The first girl I noticed was Lucy, who you could easily distinctify because she was rapidly shaking her legs and twitching. The others weren't that easy to notice, just seemed perfectly normal. Understandably I was feeling extremely anxious when I first arrived, not being able to do anything but walk back a forth until I got to bed. The bedrooms weren't too bad, they all even had a separate bathroom section that each had a toilet and shower in. The beds were very hard and you had to constantly press this button in order for the shower to run, but that didn't bother me as much as everyone else. When I got to my room I just dumped my stuff in the wardrobe and went to bed. Everyone gets put on level 3 obs for at least the first 24 hours which meant I had to be constantly watched and followed around everywhere, so I had to keep my door open while someone sat outside the room. Slept pretty well.

Woke up less anxious. To fill in on the other residents, there was also Katy D, who had been there since the place had opened and in another ward called Pine Lodge for a long time before; she seemed nice, the only thing I didn't like about her is that she had Skins/Hollyoaks on the TV nonstop! There was also Frankie and Kate who seemed to be close friends, often sitting on the couch together with covers wrapped around them, going through a book to look at pictures. Again they seemed nice, and caring. While I was at Maple both Kate and Frankie showed at least some concern towards at least once. The only one I haven't mentioned is Zoe, who did just come from the school I'd just left but also got admitted on the same day as me, so that was a big coincident. I'd also say that she was probably the only person I've ever know who was as shy as me. I talked to her a few times because of this and kind of cared for her, especially after I heard her parents say there was too much going on in her head and she couldn't think because of it. Josh had to go to Pine Lodge before I got to know him as Maple is supposed to just be there for people with acute mental problem or for people to get assessed. Soon after the same thing happened to Frankie and Kate got discharged. I first resident that I saw enter was Amy K who had a bandage around her wrist. She also seemed to be kind around everyone and was quite selfless. Next there was Ceres which, to be honest, sort of annoyed me... she always seemed excited and was all loud. I wouldn't say I disliked her though. Okay at this stage I just felt neutral, Pine Lodge was like a different world to me but it was just... there...

Next a boy called Harry arrived, and he was quite into his Guitar Hero so I kind took turns playing it with him after a while and talked to him a bit. He wasn't really a nice person, he often lied, got aggressive from time to time, and once I overheard him talk talking to his friend when he took the mic out of me saying 'thanks' a lot. This nicer lad called Tim then came who also played Guitar Hero and had his own guitar which he could play very well. I could kind of talk to him as well, we had a similar taste in music, and a couple of times me and Harry stood outside his and listened to him play. Amy went to Pine Lodge, as did Ceres. At this point I was feeling a lot better, and I suppose getting a phone that I used to phone my friends and family helped as well... not everyone was coping well, Katy D had a break down, meaning that everyone had to be sent to their rooms for a while. At another time Harry had on during the night, very loudly.

Well to me it seemed like I was there for a lifetime but in truth I was only there for a month or so. It was time for me to move to Pine Lodge. I really wasn't happy about, I was settled and really got used to the place, but I had no choice. Before I went loads of new people got admitted, and on the actual day I had to leave both Katy D and Harry had breakdowns just as I was about to leave, so none of the staff were free to take me over for hours. I eventually left while everyone was eating. It was only a two minute drive.

I was anxious again when I got there, and didn't like it as much. It didn't feel too cosy, and, apart from Johnny, the staff didn’t seem as nice as nice. I still liked it there, it just wasn't as good, that's all. I was there for over half a year so I haven't got time to go into much detail I'm afraid.

* When I arrived there were 10 other residents already there - Josh, Frankie Amy K and Ceres that I knew from Maple, 4 Anorexic kids, Rachel, Sarah G, Harry R and Bea, Kathryn, who became close friends to Frankie, and Amy B, who arrived on the same day as I did. All of them were nice and caring, and I kind of became friends with Josh. Amy was also the first person I saw get discharged.

* Lucy from Maple arrived very shortly after I did. She was very agitated and clearly wasn't having a good time. Fortunately, though, she quickly got settled in and became friends with Frankie and Kathryn, and after that I don't remember her twitching her leg again for ages, even though pretty much everyone else was.

* Two new residents arrived, Andrew and Anna. Andrew had been there before, and was actually also diagnosed with AS. He even used to be a chat room moderator of this site. He's quite outgoing and often misbehaves, and everyone loves him. Anna, well, I instantly liked Anna as she was a clear goth (I'm very much into gothy stuff) and had a very similar taste in music as me, and was a vegetarian. We also kind of became friends and she became Josh's boyfriend. We had good times.

* Sarah G left, new resident's called Vicky and Dawn arrived who became friends. Vicky was extremely shy so I didn't really get to know that much about her, and Dawn kept getting in trouble a lot, she ran away at least 10 times often with other people and kept steeling stuff from peoples rooms resulting in everyone hating her, but to be honest I did kind of feel sorry for her because of this. Vicky ended up getting moved to an adult ward.

* Kate from Maple got admitted into Pine Lodge and sort of hung around Dawn, running away with her once, and wasn't that close to Frankie anymore. She was quite at first.

Nothing much really happened for a while after this, Lucy talked to Frankie, Kathryn, Amy, Andrew, Dawn talked to Vicky/Kate, I was 'talking' to Josh and Anna, and Harry and Bea were just friends with everyone really. After Josh leaft I didn't really have anyone to hang around with, and Anna started socialising with Ceres, Amy K, Harry R, Bea and a new resident called Leah more. Things kind of became worse then, it's not like thing were good anyway the last time I'd say that things were good and I felt good was probably all the way back to the beginning of secondary school, things have pretty much always been bad for me, but it got to the stage where I started running away.

I know that sounds strange since I said I liked the place, but from time to time I just felt so extremely depressed I just couldn't take it anymore and just had to get away from everything. The first time this happened was when Frankie, Amy K, Dawn, and Leah were also feeling depressed. They were planning to run away so I, rather selfishly I have to say, offered to set the fire alarm off for them (all the doors automatically unlock when the fire alarm is set off). It was partly so one of them didn't get in trouble over it, but then it was also partly because I was also thinking about running away, as I was also feeling very depressed. I waited at the fire alarm and I said I'd give them 20 second to get ready behind the door... just as I counted to 19, the door next to me opened and a woman was there looking suspiciously as me. I did eventually set it off, but only Frankie and Dawn ran off. They didn't know who set the alarm off but my heart was pounding through my chest, I was really worried about them. The this felt really horrible and as the doors stayed unlocked for a while afterwards I just walked out the door, partly to look for them. I didn't know where to go so I just walked around aimlessly. Felt pretty awful, definitely wasn't the worst I'd felt, but awful all the same. I ended up singing the lyrics too Crying Lightning by the Arctic Mokeys on a loop, only pausing to scream 'Frankie!'. Eventually a police car stopped next to me and a guy said "What's your name." I told him my name and he 'asked' me to some with him. To be honest I kind of wanted to be found anyway. He the police men somehow knew the exact location of Frankie and Dawn and, after initionally ignoring them, agreed to cooperate. I wasn’t having a very good time around then.

There was another time when I ran away as well, when I was feeling even more depressed. I suppose it was kind of because everyone was being horrible to Dawn and Lucy had to go to hospital but I was feeling pretty crap before that. I just set the fire alarm off and ran. I got all the way to Wales, feeling absolutely s**t, before I phoned the police in the middle of the night. It was a bad night and a bad morning. What made things worse is when the staff started shouting at me saying stuff like "Did you think it was funny? Did you want to upset people? If you do it again we won't want to see you again."

This new resident called Fay arrived and she was just really really nice, really. As I put on her Facebook page, after she liked my status that said ‘Like this and I'll put the reason why you're so absolutely fantastic up on your wall.’

So that pretty much sums her up. Oh and on playing the guitar – Pine Lodge paid for a guitar teacher to come in every Friday for me to get lessons as I really wanted to learn to play so I supposed that helped, I spend most of my time listening to music and it felt wonderful being able to express myself with it (as soon as I was able to play properly I learned a load of really depressing songs). Quite a few residents actually knew how to play the guitar – Me, Fay, Anna, Lucy started learning, and a new resident called Jay arrived who was exceptional.

Well I could just go on and on about everything that happened at the place, but even if I wanted to I don’t have anywhere near enough time. Basically, I eventually became the person who’d been there the longest and was for a couple of months. Lucy was still there but suddenly became extremely anxious, she was in a horrible state when I had to leave myself and ran away a couple of days after. Huh, trust me to have things go badly on my last day, my mum even got confused when I was packed and so I was yet again several hours late.

So, that day was only last month. They sent me on this small education place during the week to give me someth0ing to do, but TBH I didn’t like it, everyone there seemed unbelievably stupid and that just irritate me.
There was/is so so so much going on in my head, yet it felt empty. It’s like all my thoughts all got tangled over each other over the year and there’s nothing left but a big sloppy mess. It truly is agony. It needed to stop, was causing so much pain and my life just seemed to be a f****d up black wall of failure that lay in front of me. Dull; empty. God I just cannot describe how painful it was, I was very close to killing myself there and then but you know what stopped me? Anna. I didn’t, couldn’t talk to anyone about anything and felt on my own but I was still talking to Anna, and when I described not being able to think and whatnot, and she actually seemed to understand. We talked more and more until she asked me to go to the town she lived in with her, but only if I promised not to be so shy.
You know what? This make me actually happy... I couldn’t remember the last time I felt happy at all. I suppose she was the person I liked the best, and I felt this was a perfect chance to get out of my shell. I’ve never been able to get out of my shell, all I ever said to people was ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘I don’t know’, and she was special. I developed a kind of love towards her, and she often talked to me about just wanting to hold someone and just tell them everything. I too want this badly and had done for a long time... love is the only thing I can imagine taking the pain away... and I loved her. I guess I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I knew that I was happy.

So I guess the thing to do would have been to take things slowly and casually right? Huh. I was so shocked that I was actually happy that I made an effort telling everyone and massively overreacting. This actually caused Andrew to think I took an overdose, seriously, he acted like he knew it as a fact, so I had to tell him what was going on to stop him worrying. He asked why I was so happy about it, I told him that I like her, and promised him not to tell anyone.

That night Anna told Andrew that she was worried about my over reaction, and Andrew told her that I Iike her. To be honest I kind of expected him to tell her, I remember once someone told him that they thought this other girl from Pine Lodge was a bit dim (or something else insulting, can’t remember now) and told him not to tell her and he immediately told her causing lot of upset and an discharge, but it still hurt like hell when I found out. She said she had to baby sit, but it turned out she volunteered. Still she was being way too nice to me though, she didn’t react anything close to what Laura did, she just said she might of found it a bit awkward if she was on her own, then she got me phoning her, and then she said that it would be alright to meet her away from her home town, and arranged it. I had to turn it down when I got back on Facebook it clearly wasn’t something she wanted, I asked if I could meet up with her today and she said no, which is good, I really don't want her to do thing she doesn't wamt to to keep me happy. The whole away from home town thing really made me feel really horrible, that’s where the college I’ve been arranged to go to is and I can’t go anywhere else as there’s only on that isn’t full and Laura goes there. I have to do it beofre colege as I don't want the people there to get to know be before I die as it'll upset them.

So... my life is ruined. I’ve got nothing to live for. All I’m doing is making the girl I love uncomfortable.
I feel so much pain. Too much. It’s unbelievable. Unbearable. You just don’t know what it’s like. It’s unbelievable. Listen to Nine Inch Nails or Radiohead if you want to get an idea.

What can I say? I don’t even have enough time. This topic is not complete and never will be. Unless of course I fail again which knowing me is rather likely. I suppose if that’s the case I’ll put up some more utterly pointless crap for you to read.

You're 16. Read again: sixteen. Or somewhere between 192 and 203 months. That's way too young to decide it's enough.

I only read the first two paragraphs, and then I scrolled on because I want to say RIGHT NOW: don't do it. There are other ways to deal with your problems.

I don't know where you're living, but I think it's somewhere in the United Kingdom. Please click on this link: http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx

It will only cost you time. And that is what you do have. Now I'm going to take the time to read your post and get back to you.

Last edited by ari_ on 31 Aug 2010, 5:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

DON'T DO IT. You are in agony, I know, but here's the deal IT'S JUST EMOTION. IT'S NOT REAL. IT WILL GO AWAY.

Please seek help right away.

I read none of your post. Why? Because my response would be the same;

Don't kill yourself you dummy. It's really hard to kill yourself.

Please dont! Are you currently going to school (You might not be with this stuff going on)? If so you should really take some mental sick days. My father let me take one when I had some issues.,..
Like the person above said I know you must be in horrible pain, and I just thought, you might not even be IN school right now :/


This might seem strange but perhaps taking a break from the place you are in if you are not in school might help a bit, as in going somewhere else, anywhere else (probably best not be just the nextdoor city), on top of other help you could get

You are only 16, PLEASE dont end your life now if you can prevent it! It would just be sad and heart breaking if you died :/
I was not originally talking about myself but even to me, Im sensitive (to myself *and* others) and this thread troubled me a great deal. I really hope you dont do it, and start feeling better.

I think any kind of change, like the one I listed above (going somewhere else) could idk, make things seem different, and on top of other help, help? Think about it, please? I get so sad hearing about suicide even when I am not there to really witness pre-suicide, just hearing about it after.

Here's someone you can call if you're in the UK: http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx

Its a bit tough to tell someone not to kill themselves when you want to do the same.

Yes, but they didn't know that until you pointed it out!

Their is always another option besides ending your life. *sigh*

Do not do that to yourself robo37.
You are loved and appreciated here by all. ^^
*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG*

Life is only just beginning for you man.
I'm 21 and I still have loads that will happen for me. ^^

*HUG* You will too have LOOOOOOAAAAAADS that will happen for you.

Try to be very easy on yourself man.

*HUG*
xxx

Im in the same boat as both you and the OP.

My boat is NOT the same as OPs. It's the boat where I'm too chicken to actually kill myself.

I meant the wanting to kill yourself boat. Im just waiting for the right day. I was going to do 10/10/10 but my uncles sense of humor is just like mine and decided to have that as his wedding day, so i cant die on an unique day anymore.

What a fascinating story! You have a lot to say. You need to live longer to be able to say it.

Don't kill yourself.
I really wanted to kill myself when I was a teen and once during my twenties.
When I look back and think about it, I get scared because I would have missed all the great things that have happened to me since then. I know it's really hard, but try to take it one day at a time.

Once again, I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because I am only here because of my children, but please don't do this. I am over twice your age, in my 40s. Give yourself a little more time, at least, before doing something so permanent. It's too early to declare failure.

~Kate