No Hope

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Don't have enough money to do anything. Barely getting by on the work that comes my way, can't find steady work. Either overqualified, or not qualified enough. Almost ten years making films, and I see stuff made by first timers that far outstrips my s**t. Never going to achieve my dreams.

Failure with friends.
Failure in athletics.
Failure in love.
Failure at my job.

What I love to do I have no future in. What I seem to have a future in, as a researcher, I despise, because it will mean a lifetime spent at computers, or alone in dusty rooms of paper, far from people or real human experience.

I'm seeing my life laid out and I can't endure it if this is what my whole life will be.

I want to kill myself, except it kills me to think everyone at the funeral will be there because they know my parents, not because of me.

I want to hurt myself: hack off the foot that won't heal, that kept me from being a good runner. I want to slash my ugly face with a razor. And then I want to disappear forever.

Do you really think first timers are that much better or do you have an obscure view of your films? I mean if you love it, have been doing it for 10 or so years, you have to have a leg up on the competition whether you'll admit it or not. You probably know more than students who are just learning the trade. What have other people said about your work?

When I play guitar, and make up a piece. I am very critical at some times, almost to critical to accomplish anything. But, when I have company or friends in my presence and they compliment me they give me confidence that I might not have on my own. I would suggest the same, someone who has never seen your work and just blow them away. I know you can do it. And I think you know you can too.

Your life may be hard, I'm not trying to compare. But if you really love film making I wouldn't talk so bad about your work. Even if there are better films, you need to look at your film and see what you can improve on, like a guitar.

Double post sowwy

Oooooooooh, that is black

Please remember that the future is yet to be made and not pre-ordained most people who succeed do so after many failures, errors and mistakes.